DP not being truthful about cash withdrawals - fearful he is gambling again

[Lilac84]

I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals. He has a history of gambling challenges, which he has worked to overcome, and is self excluded from online sites. His last bet to my knowledge was over two years ago when this came to a head.

I asked him what these withdrawals were and he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer, and having it in cash hidden away means he won’t be tempted to spend it in the meantime and will change it over when the time comes.

I wasn’t overly convinced by this, it isn’t something he has done before to my knowledge. I shouldn’t have done this, but I know where he keeps his paperwork and I looked through to find previous months’ statements earlier today. For the past 4/5 months, there are two similar withdrawals every month - for either £170 or £110, and always on similar two dates.

These are dates he works away for his job and stays overnight - so always the same weekday. The amount withdrawn exceeds a grand which is far more than he’d need for his golf trip, based on what I know he took in previous years.

I am massively worried he is gambling again, he works in a busy city centre so there will be no shortage of betting shops and the machines which can be used for roulette etc.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be welcomed, I haven’t said anything about the further statements as of yet. It was so hard to go through this before and I don’t know if I can face supporting him again, I know that sounds terrible.

Did he explain why he only takes the money out when working away?

Oh for heaven's sake, do you really think this is a possibility?

I'd be concerned about prostitutes, Op. He's obviously lying about keeping it at work.

I'd be concerned about prostitutes, Op. He's obviously lying about keeping it at work.

Not sure why that posted twice. I'd wonder whether he was trying to get the same kick he used to get from gambling.

Not sure why that posted twice. I'd wonder whether he was trying to get the same kick he used to get from gambling.

Not sure why that posted twice. I'd wonder whether he was trying to get the same kick he used to get from gambling.

110 and 170 suggest he is buying items of around £55 each, 2 or 3 at a time. That's around the price of pokemon ETBs, which is basically gambling for some people - hoping to get good cards to sell for more.

£55 is also the price of a lot of things... Of course.

Awful nights sleep. DP left for work without really saying anything to me which is unusual - not his usual self.

I’ve googled - I can see they are a physical box/cards. I would have noticed them in the house.

Such a simple but on point question

Prostitute with fixed price/ drugs/ or payback on private loans (friends). I think it's the latter but he has to come clean about it. My mum divorced my dad after he consistently lied about having stopped gambling when I was a kid. She just couldn't stand the lies anymore and being the only responsible adult for 3 kids.

The fact that he does it only while working away would ring alarm bells for sex workers. For it to be a regular and specific amount I would say that or drugs.

Gambling would be various random amounts and why only when he is away?

Guilt. He’ll be panicking because if he doesn’t produce the whole amount “saved at the office” then you are going to need an explanation. He doesn’t have one.

Text him today to remind him to bring the money home so he can’t just get home and say “oh I forgot, busy day”

Tell him straight you believe it’s sex workers or drugs because he is taking this money out cash and only when he’s already away.

I agree.

@Lilac84 i can see why your first thought is gambling but … when you said it’s a set amount and always when he works away sounds more like sex worker . Sorry

Also yes ask to see the money .
Although I’d dig deeper and ask to location share see what he says .
D be getting a std test too

Escort?

I think so . He txts op to say he has arrived and then radio silence .
This is the route I’d be believe right now and he would have to prove to me otherwise.

He has been busted and is worrying now how he can explain it .
He got himself away from one addiction and onto another .

Just trying to brainstorm and think positive.

I quite like @crumblingschools . Always straight to the point and pretty astute.

@Lilac84 Hi OP, have you considered that he may be using escorts? I may be way off the mark however £110 is around the 30 minutes outcall rate and £170 is a 60 minute outcall in my local area. It would make me weary that these transactions are only when he is saying away with work, presumably in a hotel?

Hopefully I am wrong, I am a gambling addict, I haven’t gambled for 5 years now though but I agree with a PP that his behaviour wouldn’t fit with that of a addict. We don’t have that much self control to only do it once or twice a month.

He withdraws money when he's away. Then brings it back to store in the office.

Pull the other one. It's not even a clever lie. Where in the office?

How are his hotel bills and meals paid for when he's away. Of course the moneys not in the office unless he's got a personal safe. I'd get my name taken off the joint account and only have my own account with money going and out.

So if he doesn’t bring home cash tonight then what ?

After trying to downplay it again and me threatening to walk out, he has owned up to using the money for ‘female company’. The same woman every time, and strictly no intimacy - he just finds her ‘easy to confide in’.

The main thing being that he’s unhappy in our relationship and doesn’t feel attracted to me any more.

This has completely blindsided me - he has not let on about this at all and whilst our sex life has not been brilliant, this is pretty much since the stress all his gambling issues caused and he hasn’t voiced any concerns to me.

He was so cold when he told me, no emotion at all and like he is completely detached from me. Almost like he was relieved to tell me.

I don’t know what to do, he has gone out to the gym and said he will sort his own dinner after. The thought of him speaking about us like that to a stranger is sickening.