DP not being truthful about cash withdrawals - fearful he is gambling again

[Lilac84]

I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals. He has a history of gambling challenges, which he has worked to overcome, and is self excluded from online sites. His last bet to my knowledge was over two years ago when this came to a head.

I asked him what these withdrawals were and he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer, and having it in cash hidden away means he won’t be tempted to spend it in the meantime and will change it over when the time comes.

I wasn’t overly convinced by this, it isn’t something he has done before to my knowledge. I shouldn’t have done this, but I know where he keeps his paperwork and I looked through to find previous months’ statements earlier today. For the past 4/5 months, there are two similar withdrawals every month - for either £170 or £110, and always on similar two dates.

These are dates he works away for his job and stays overnight - so always the same weekday. The amount withdrawn exceeds a grand which is far more than he’d need for his golf trip, based on what I know he took in previous years.

I am massively worried he is gambling again, he works in a busy city centre so there will be no shortage of betting shops and the machines which can be used for roulette etc.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be welcomed, I haven’t said anything about the further statements as of yet. It was so hard to go through this before and I don’t know if I can face supporting him again, I know that sounds terrible.

Oh @Lilac84 so sorry to read your update

he’s lying sadly. No man is going to pay to talk

he’s def having sex

get your self tested

I’m not sure where you can go from this

He’s bound to go running to her and telling her you know which is likely where boundaries come back in place for her. She wouldn’t be there without him paying her and she’s likely to drop him as a client now that it’s been revealed.

He has gambled his family away after all you’ve done for him. Don’t stand by him again.

He's playing hardball. He is being cold and detached because he thinks you will panic and accept his behaviour. He's trying to be the one in control rather than the one caught with his pants down.

Typical DARVO.

He's rewriting history where he is the victim, mothered, forced to confront his gambling. Not attracted to you, relationship was over already.

It's all lies. Designed to make him feel like what he has done is ok. Because he has excuses. You are to blame.

Ignore everything he says and end the relationship. He's a waste of space. Get an sti test and walk away forever.

He needs that dopamine hit that gambling gave him and it seems as though he's found it in other women

Spot on!

What a victim he is 🙄I'm so sorry OP, you've supported him through so much and he's thrown it all back in your face. Of course he's having sex the lying, cheating scumbag. Get an STI check and get some support around you.

So sorry OP, do you have any real life support?
He can blame you all he likes, doesn’t change the facts.

Wow, I would be furious at how stupid he obviously thinks you are - to tell you that he's hiring a sex worker and not having sex with her. People who just keep lying until bits of truth are forced out of them are so weak and cowardly.

A priority has to be insulating yourself against any other financial risks. Ring the bank to place holds or at least dual controls on accounts; say there are dubious transactions. Book an STI test. Figure out your next stage in life. Take him at face value - it’s over, sorry.

He was addicted to gambling and now he has been seeing a sex worker - but somehow he is making this YOUR fault. What a twat. I suspect he is trying to put you on the defensive to deflect from his own very shitty behaviour. He will be hoping you apologise for mothering him instead of making him accountable for his spending money on sex workers and addiction. I don't believe for one minute there was just talking and nothing else.
He also could have called The Samaritans and it wouldn't have cost him £170 quid.

I think I would say ‘Ok. Go and gamble and spend every penny you’ve got on sex workers. I don’t care anymore I am done.’ I wouldn’t hold back telling everyone the reasons why too.

Sorry OP but of course he had sex with her. He's now trying to blame you for it with his sob story about you being too overbearing. The truth is he's pathetic and you are better off rid of him.

This is exactly it !
So now he doesn’t get the same satisfaction being with OP
prostitutes give him that excitement, op just spoils his fun.

@Lilac84 He has told you yet another lie and instead of taking account for his actions he is blaming you .
Id leave and tell everyone he’s a Lier with many addictions gambling and escorts.

There Is absolutely no way in hell that man is paying a woman 170 quid to listen to him talk. He’s lying and manipulating you still. You looked after him through his serious gambling problem and he resents you for it. He’s so cold in telling you because part of him sees it as punishment.

Get rid. You deserve a world of happiness that this scum could never offer.

He arrived home really late last night and slept in the spare room. I’ve looked at our joint account online this morning and he withdrew over £200 yesterday.

I’ve text him and asked what the hell he did that for. Luckily we’ve got just enough in there to cover the remaining bills due but we won’t if he takes any more out.

Can't you transfer the remaining money to somewhere safe? I would not want to be relying on him to be rational at this time.

Time to start making plans, OP. I am so sorry. Protect yourself and your children, because he won't.

Move the remaining money somewhere safe so that he doesn’t steal it all! And any other joint money you have. Take screenshots showing him taking any monies. And see a solicitor as soon as you can 😔

Likelihood is he’s going to throw it all away now he knows he’s fucked it. Don’t be surprised if he’s back on the gambling now. He’s on a self destructive path, do not let him take you with him. Get your ducks in a row now and ask him to leave. Get what money you can into your own bank, switch what you need to switch and protect it. You have very justified reason for this.

I need to keep some money in there for bills, if any are missed that will have repercussions surely.

He has replied and basically said - ‘enjoying myself, don’t worry I’ll replace it later’

@Lilac84 yes but put it in piecemeal when the bill is due. Or even call each company and pay from your account, if you have time, then rearrange the direct debits. He may not care if your bills bounce.

Jesus what an absolute bastard! So while you've been worrying yourself sick, he's been 'enjoying himself'!

If I were you I'd be getting legal advice asap. You don't want to salvage this relationship OP. He's a lying cheating (very probably) irresponsible piece of shite and you deserve SO much better.

He probably feels he has nothing to lose now so if I was you I'd guard my assets ASAP.

I agree with the others, he won't care about bills. Take the money out now and as PP said, pay the bills another way. Don't allow him to leave you and the children in a bad financial situation. Please seek advice - don't let him wrong foot you.

Wow, he has mentally checked out, hasn't he? This person has zero respect for you and is a liar, so you can't trust anything he says. Open up an account in just your name. Half of what is in the joint account is legally yours, so take it out and transfer it now before he takes anymore. Then, call all your bill providers and advise them of the account change. Get your name off the joint account and start freeing yourself of this waste of space!

Hide all valuables, or get them out of the house. Also, any legal documents, passports. Many of us have been there.