DP not being truthful about cash withdrawals - fearful he is gambling again

[Lilac84]

I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals. He has a history of gambling challenges, which he has worked to overcome, and is self excluded from online sites. His last bet to my knowledge was over two years ago when this came to a head.

I asked him what these withdrawals were and he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer, and having it in cash hidden away means he won’t be tempted to spend it in the meantime and will change it over when the time comes.

I wasn’t overly convinced by this, it isn’t something he has done before to my knowledge. I shouldn’t have done this, but I know where he keeps his paperwork and I looked through to find previous months’ statements earlier today. For the past 4/5 months, there are two similar withdrawals every month - for either £170 or £110, and always on similar two dates.

These are dates he works away for his job and stays overnight - so always the same weekday. The amount withdrawn exceeds a grand which is far more than he’d need for his golf trip, based on what I know he took in previous years.

I am massively worried he is gambling again, he works in a busy city centre so there will be no shortage of betting shops and the machines which can be used for roulette etc.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be welcomed, I haven’t said anything about the further statements as of yet. It was so hard to go through this before and I don’t know if I can face supporting him again, I know that sounds terrible.

There would be some sort of visible hangover/come down surely - he always returns home the next day and is as ‘normal’ as he always is.

Yes I’m sure there would but not always as I’ve noted with the various idiots I know who have it ( not saying your DH is an idiot btw! ) but it’s got to be something. Is he away with others so he can get to have a bit of fun while he’s there?

Op I’ve just been thinking about what you said about you wanting him to bring home the missing money. Is there any way he can get it from somewhere/someone without you knowing to pretend it’s the missing money?

it’s one thing him coming home with a load of cash which he thinks will prove him innocent and get you “off his back” but it proves nothing really. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it.

Prostitutes. He’ll borrow the money off a friend and show it to you as “proof”.

The comments that it can’t be gambling because it’s so controlled this time round aren’t totally right.

If he has just started back up again the last few months, then he could still be in that false sense of security that he can control it. So, he decided to only do it when staying away for work in a casino or betting shop there, and he sets the same rough amount each time (maybe a little more or less depending on other treat spending that week). He sticks to it, and thinks he is in control. But, when he realises he has lost a few thousand over a few months, he’ll start betting more and more. And it will spiral. Right now, he thinks he can control it.

It could be prostitutes as well, that would be a similar amount each time. Or something totally different, but just don’t count them out yet.

It’s good you’ve asked him to bring the money home as proof, but you also need to see all his accounts tomorrow as well, including any savings to make sure he hasn’t withdrawn from another account. And check his phone to see if he has messaged someone to borrow it, and his emails to see if he has taken out any of those stupid last minute loans etc. Also check no jewellery has gone or anything he could pawn tomorrow.

Hopefully it is what he says, or something equally innocent. But you’re going to have to be firm with him and be honest; you need to see all the proof because you’ve been here before so his word isn’t enough and if he can’t accept that then he can go stay somewhere else. He’s put himself into the position of needing to prove this.

He is the only one who travels from his office - he has colleagues in that city but it’s just him staying in the hotel. He has a meal allowance etc. He always has an early night and I don’t usually hear too much from him once he confirms he has arrived.

I very much doubt he will prove the money either way but will see tomorrow.

Yeah I am definitely not going to just take his word for things.

I’ve been there before and remember the pain it caused all too well.

No one would keep £1000+ in an office drawer. If it disappears he’s no proof it was even there. If he got run over by a bus outside the office his family wouldn’t know it was his money as it’s not his permanent desk. That has to be a lie.
Sex or drugs if not gambling.

The same amounts every month - could they be payments for loans he may have taken out to cover his debts?

Good luck OP, addicts are hard. Is he paying back a debt to a moneylender? Make sure he hasn't remortgaged without your knowledge.

Seems very weird it’s the same amount each time - cash for a loan payment maybe

Sadly as I know addicts - agree he wouldn’t Be able to control self to this extent if gambling

hope he can show you his pile of cash tomorrow but I fear you won’t see it

I’ve double checked the Mortgage account online and all is in order thankfully.

I don’t know what he’d be in debt with (I understand why it has been suggested). All bills go out of our joint account each month. He has a work car so no payments with that. I can’t think of anything else obvious.

I hope there is a simple answer to this OP.

Only read first page but it screams like prostitute use to me.

How much does it matter what the money is for? He's obviously lying to you. Therefore, whatever the truth is, it's bad.

You don't have to play this game of trying to figure it out. You don't have to prove that you are being reasonable. You know he's lying. He knows he's lying. You both know that you both know. So what is the point of all this? What are you hoping for? He's only counting on the fact you will be willing to pretend to yourself that you don't know he's lying. Do you want to pretend? You know he's lying.

Incredibly careless of him to leave bank statements lying around. Like, paper ones?! Particularly with a history of gambling and hiding financial transactions.

If he is paying cash for accommodation when working away that would be one explanation. Airbnb places are often introduction only, when you’ve stayed a few times then cheaper and more efficient to pay cash direct and avoid airbnb platform fees.

Sex workers was what immediately sprung to my mind, I have to say, but you’d have to be particularly thick to leave testimony to that lying around especially with a history of financial concealment.

You will be able to tell straight away when you ask him, just trust your instinct.

Might be WELL off the mark but could he be seeing an escort or going to a strip club or something while he's working away?

he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer

I live "abroad" and everything is paid with pin card nowadays. Having cash on premises is too risky for robberies.

So sorry you are going through this worry with him.

How worrying for you.

Does he go to the same hotel/area every time? If so I think it might be an escort

Not necessarily. What time does he come back the next day? Bit of a binge, a sleep, food in the morning and the drive back. Could appear normal.

Would also guess sex workers while he’s away, if he’s spending a night elsewhere and that’s the only time he’s withdrawn the money..

Yeah I've just said that too, same amount of money at regular intervals while away from home.

If you are saving money, you transfer it from one account to another electronically.

You do not get It out in cash in a city.

If he's getting out cash, it's either for something you can't buy electronically - that's sex workers / drugs / gambling / loan sharks. Or it's because he doesn't want you to see what he's spending money on - again that's sex workers, an affair or gambling.

He thinks you are stupid and will except his ridiculous explanation.

All of these options are not good. There is no good rational explanation. Even before you take into account he's a gambling addict.

I feel for you, but ultimately he doesn't respect you and you need to really take this onboard. No explanation he can give us going to be satisfactory because he's up to know good and deep down you know it.

The question is now, whether you intend tolerate him, forgive him and wait for the next circus he comes up with or are you going to ditch him.

Instead of confronting him and allowing him to give you lip service. Go see a divorce lawyer and get some advice on how best to handle things, get things in order and THEN confront him. Take back some control and come to the table with some chips of your own to play.

He's bullshitted you enough.

could it be a hotel room cost?

Surely he would just say this, or put it on the card itself? Why would he lie and say he’s taking cash out, that he’s storing at his work where he has no fixed desk, to save for a future trip he’s planning? The hotel is not a secret, OP knows he’s staying somewhere when he’s working away.

he has colleagues in that city but it’s just him staying in the hotel. He has a meal allowance etc. He always has an early night and I don’t usually hear too much from him once he confirms he has arrived.

Could he be paying for prostitutes?