DP not being truthful about cash withdrawals - fearful he is gambling again

[Lilac84]

I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals. He has a history of gambling challenges, which he has worked to overcome, and is self excluded from online sites. His last bet to my knowledge was over two years ago when this came to a head.

I asked him what these withdrawals were and he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer, and having it in cash hidden away means he won’t be tempted to spend it in the meantime and will change it over when the time comes.

I wasn’t overly convinced by this, it isn’t something he has done before to my knowledge. I shouldn’t have done this, but I know where he keeps his paperwork and I looked through to find previous months’ statements earlier today. For the past 4/5 months, there are two similar withdrawals every month - for either £170 or £110, and always on similar two dates.

These are dates he works away for his job and stays overnight - so always the same weekday. The amount withdrawn exceeds a grand which is far more than he’d need for his golf trip, based on what I know he took in previous years.

I am massively worried he is gambling again, he works in a busy city centre so there will be no shortage of betting shops and the machines which can be used for roulette etc.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be welcomed, I haven’t said anything about the further statements as of yet. It was so hard to go through this before and I don’t know if I can face supporting him again, I know that sounds terrible.

What a bastard. !
Take the money and set up new payment details
Apply for UC as s single persona and apply for cam.
Call solicitors today and get a divorce rolling .
you are still financially tied and responsible for any mess up he makes . You need to be legaly separated from him asap .
Can you get him to leave.

What an arse

sounds like he doesn’t care if bills get paid

the remaining money needs to be transferred to a new bank so he can’t touch it and change dd to a diff account

Oops not married

He's messing with your head,you must call the bank, the mortgage supplier and tell them whats happen3d and that you need to get your own bank account to pay your share of the bills, he will just spend the money in your joint account. Don't just threaten to leave, make plans to go, can you afford to leave, or have somewhere to stay. It's just not worth salvaging this, he's a lying gambling unfaithful cheat.,

Get yourself a sti check, don't bother confronting him, he will just lie or mock you.

Can you set up another bank account and transfer all of the funds out of your joint account? You need to lock down everything and protect your own/your childrens' interests now. He's an enemy.

I tore into him when he arrived home. Told him some home truths and he didn’t like it.

He has admitted to sexual relations with the paid female - said he wanted to explore stuff that I refused to do. That’s not overly fair, there are fetishes he has mentioned in the past year which I’m not overly comfortable with, mainly because of his ‘rear’ hygiene if you get what I mean. He said it’s refreshing to have found someone open minded and non-judgemental, which I find insulting.

I will use this weekend to get things sorted and work out how I move forward with my life now.

Open and non judgemental..that charges by the hour.
What a prick,The woman indulges men for money not fun or generosity.

I was about to respond the same. What a fucking idiot he is! That's her job, she's saying what he wants to hear to keep his business. Unlike him, she's not stupid!

@Lilac84 its beyond not fair - he has cheated and lied, put your health at risk and destroyed your family. His kinks have nothing to do with it, he’s selfish and cruel. Please do everything you can to protect yourself and your finances. Do not be afraid to tell people the real reason your marriage has ended, this is shame, not yours.

I'm really, really sorry you have to go through this. This is soul crushing. A poster was saying before that it's a common tactic when caught red handed to blame it on the other person. Hurt you as much as possible, make you feel shit about yourself so he doesn't feel shit about himself and what he's done/he's doing. That's his defence mechanism, but please, please, don't make it your truth. You know that you're worth and you deserve so much better. He is scum!

He's disgusting, glad you're making plans to separate, long overdue I'd say.

Oh, he's such a piece of shit. I'm so sorry, OP. We are all rooting for you. I'm really glad you're getting things sorted. As hard as this is, you'll be SO much better off without him.

I'm SO sorry to hear what you're going through. As others have said, please ensure that your finances are safe, does he have access to any other money apart from the joint account, as he's bound to go back to the gambling now?

If you have a joint mortgage, can I suggest that you sign up to 'Property Alert' at the Land Registry, just in case he tries to raise money against the house, or even sell it out from under you. Here's a link in case you don't know how to do it:

https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/

Can I ask how long you've been together, and whether you have any children together OP?

He said it’s refreshing to have found someone open minded and non-judgemental

He's a complete idiot. Does he really think she'd rim him for the fun of it?

Keep going with the home truths. Those women won’t be seen for dust when he’s blew all his money.

Sorry to read your updates op I hope you are ok

A positive, if there is one, is you now know what you’re dealing with. So you can arm yourself to move to Stage 2. He’s living short term - you have first mover advantage here.

What a delusional twat. She’s not open minded, she’s just some poor woman with limited choices who has to put up with the disease risk his ‘poor rear hygiene’ presents so she can get paid. I hope he finds being able to pay women to pretend to tolerate him feels worth breaking up his family for but I suspect his life path is down down down and you need to disengage so you are your dc aren’t caught up in it.

What an absolute shit

Thanks everyone, to answer a question above we don’t have kids (fortunately!) and have been together for about 6 years.

Things really escalated again last night, he was utterly vile. He was holding up photos on his phone of the woman he has been seeing (her face was blurred and barely clothed) and then showed me a thumbnail of a video which he claimed he was in (basically titled something grim about a man being on the receiving end). I was physically sick for the first time in ages.

He says he will move out and stay with a friend today for a few nights.

@Lilac84 you are giving very straight to the point updates op.
I wonder where your head is at though)
Why haven’t you thrown him out already?
Why are you still arguing with him ?
Why are you putting yourself through this ?

He is a cheater . A Lier . A Gambler
He dis respects you he takes great pleasure in doing so .

You need to find your strength.
Id bet once he comes down from this high he will
be trying to get back to you with the same way he did with the gambling . Needing support for his addiction .
Of course he will Leave for a few days. What a weekend he will have .
He needs to be gone for good ! Surely this “relationship” is over ?

Dear God. Please tell us he's out on his unhygienic arse and you're free of him? Thank goodness you don't have kids with him and can cut all ties. Take care of yourself.

He has hygiene issues and a fetish as well as being a liar, cheat and gambler?

Please God tell me this is over for good.

He said it’s refreshing to have found someone open minded and non-judgemental, which I find insulting.

Well yes, if you pay sex workers, they will probably do anything you ask.

What a total arse.