AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

Autistic parent. YANBU, she shouldn't be ignoring her young children.

I’m AuDHD. I mean… it depends. For me and many others, I was coping fine until I had kids. They and their needs and noise and and and are the thing that tipped me over into seeking diagnosis, as my long established coping mechanisms stopped working. I do my best to make sure my kids don’t pay the price for my diagnosis (while acknowledging that I have massively increased their chances of being neurodivergent themselves), but sadly sometimes I am not an ideal parent. I have a lower tolerance for noise and chaos than a typical person, and a greater need for routine. And so on. So I’d have a bit of sympathy.

Her kids may have already played her last string that day, to be blunt.

Parents who are disabled physically or otherwise can’t always manage their symptoms so they don’t impact on their kids.

A parent with autism/adhd may well struggle. I’m not sure that expecting kids to be quiet at particular times when a parent needs some quiet is necessarily a problem.

small kids can be very loud and frankly if they can be trained to be quiet occasionally so much the better.

So basically you are being horribly judgemental about a family member’s parenting, and justifying this on the grounds that they are disabled. Nice one.

of course YABU. Wind your neck in.

Let me get this clear? The ND parent is the one having screen time and ignoring their children?

If so, no this is not something that I would do as a ND parent myself. My children’s needs come above mine. That’s the choice I accepted when I had children.

However, I certainly don’t think it’s wrong to let ND children have as much screen time as they need. Research shows that it’s actually beneficial to them.

The other thing to bear in mind though is that ND parents often have ND children. Sometimes that means that one person’s meltdowns can trigger another’s sensory issues. Although it can also make for quite a harmonious experience most of the time in our case.

But it’s crappy parenting!

Broadly I think you’re NBU, although it’s probably not as cut and dried as that.

I don’t yet have a diagnosis but on the waiting list for ADHD diagnosis. I have to admit I’ve found the unrelentingness of parenting very hard over the years - the fact you can’t switch off or “zone out” at times in the evenings when you mind need/ want to.

So albeit a lot of parents wish to do that, I think you have to believe this parent that her need to do so is more than an NT parent’s wants.

Equally, she has to meet her children’s needs as a parent, and sometimes that means putting their needs above her own. I don’t really think a parents with headphones on locked into a film at the table is reasonable, even if you may allow an ND child to do this.

She has a disability ffs.

A lot of people with autism (me included) find meal times in particular very stressful. The noise, smells, sensory stuff is overwhelming. If they’re an otherwise engaged parent I don’t think letting them have a bit of peace whilst eating and watching stuff on their phone is a big deal; it depends whether it’s a small part of the day or they’re like that all the time.

For example, myself and Ds (13) have autism. Dh has adhd. We don’t like to eat at a table unless we go out to a restaurant (which we do regularly) so at home we don’t have a table and all like to eat with our plates on our laps, watching Tv etc Ds will have an iPad. It’s relaxed and it’s how we like it. I know others would find that strange. But every other part of the day we’re chatting and interacting etc.

Well we are the grown ups. We chose to have them so we suck it up. DH had therapy when they were little (sticky) and I do a lot of exercise classes.

I’m sorry but too many people are buying a diagnosis and using it as an excuse for poor behaviour.

Go to a private diagnosis company, pay your fee and you will get a diagnosis, my gp friend says it’s 99%, the remaining 1% actually have a different perhaps more serious condition that was overlooked by busy doctors. Few will have clinically significant neurodiversity but most will be just one of the many ordinary functioning people (like all of my family including me) that meet the criteria.

My dc is autistic, properly autistic as in diagnosed aged 2 though mid-high functioning thankfully as an adult and I never accepted poor behaviour, being anti social, she needs to fit in with this world.

You can’t buy a diagnosis

Yes I agree. My dad is almost certainly undiagnosed autistic and his relentlessly selfish and uninterested behaviour towards me as a child growing up has been very damaging.

My husband has ADHD and I have been referred (only realised through going through assessment process for DSS) for assessment too. Noise is the biggest one for me and I occasionally order everyone out of the kitchen whilst I’m cooking, ask everyone play the quiet game whilst doing food shopping so as not to forget everything I came for, go into my room and shut the door for a moment when DD3 is melting down and not responding to quiet offer of being there when she’s ready. I definitely get snappier when overstimulated and would love to live in my noise cancelling headphones as I did in my 20s but no it’s not okay to simply ignore your child because you’re ND. I do try and explain that sometimes the noise is just too much or I need a minute or can’t think etc. I think DSS gets it but of course the other two are too small. It’s about maintaining the connection the rest of the time.

Also trading off with spouse if you have one. Now we know we both likely have ADHD we are better at recognising when the other one needs to hand off to decompress for a bit.

The two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

There is a limit to how much one person can suck it up before it affects one’s patience / tolerance / limit. Part of being a grown up, disabled or not, is around knowing your limits and making a plan when you feel you are approaching that limit. Doing that isn’t failing to “suck it up”. Everyone has a limit. I probably have a much higher limit than the average neurotypical person for certain analytical tasks. I probably (almost certainly) have a much lower limit for noise than the average person, and if I push myself beyond that limit it’s overwhelm/breakdown territory rather than mild inconvenience. It’s ok for people to recognise their limits and modify accordingly, rather than keep “sucking it up”. Frankly I think that would be a good approach for a lot of NT people to try, but for disabled people it can be essential.

And fwiw I run a business, outwardly look like I’m kicking ass etc - that still doesn’t oblige me to suck it up.

It's tricky. I feel that I had to keep some semblance of attention trained on my DC, even though the Minecraft monologues , bickering and screeching are like a chainsaw in my brain. It's exhausting though- no wonder I don't manage to work FT as well.

I would say there's often a difference between autistic men and women based on societal expectations. Women feel that they have to endure discomfort for the sake of their kids- men are more likely to put themselves first.

(Worthwhile observing that I wrote this while conducting a conversation with DS1 about the precise spiciness of the peppers in the fridge though 😳)

OP will be seeing a snapshot! No one is the perfect parent all the time- it’s always easy to judge moments from the outside .

Lots of people saying 'she' and 'her'.

But the OP has done the 'they/them' Olympics all through the opening post.

@TheWayTheLightFalls. I was being slightly flippant, DH and I have huge problems with noise. So we mitigate it in other ways, never ignoring the children. (We remove background noise, taught the children good table manners so there is no slurping or clinking or chewing with mouth open taking turns to talk etc).

Nice catch. He's their Dad actually. If only I could repost and see how that might affect the replies haha.