AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

ADHD is hereditary as I understand it. So one person in a family is unlikely to be the only one with it. I have noticed some people who have it or appear to have it and may have a late diagnosis have alcoholism, smokers in the family and I would suspect this is self medication.

Is this man a single parent?

I'm reading this feeling sorry for the kids of selfish dads, whether ND or NT, who don't have female parents who put them first (in some cases, by leaving).

In the hierarchy of needs, people still seem to be ok with it being "men-children-women". Remove the woman from a family and there is no one who is societally expected to be effective in prioritising the kids' needs.

This documentary was discredited.

www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/2023/05/15/response-to-bbc-panorama-private-adhd-clinics-exposed/

What research is that?

People with disabilities can also be crappy parents - the two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Also many GPs don’t do shared care with NHS diagnosticians due to burden of care. It’s not about reliability. Our excellent GP does not do shared care at all, not even with our fantastic nhs diagnostic service. So the nhs diagnostic service handles prescriptions, titrating, psycology, reviews and alternative treatment.

I’m really struggling with your comment. “Properly autistic”? Do you mean not being diagnosed two means someone is not really autistic?
Do you think private diagnosis is not a valid diagnosis?
Do you see neurodivergent behaviour as poor behaviour?
Do you think neurodivergent people have to change to fit in?
This seems to be what you’re saying but hoping I’ve misunderstood

So you don't know anything about their daily life? Just how the dad reacts during gatherings of people?

Going just by this example, I feel incredibly sorry for their children.

Of course we don’t know the whole picture and whether they are involved parent rest of the time.

I do think that if they are not able to sit down and have dinner with their children, they should removed themselves from that situation and eat elsewhere. Or take a break and go lie down to another room.

Ignoring children at the dinner table, wearing headphones and watching a video on their phone while their kids trying to talk to them is really sad and will have an impact on them.

No one is saying they can’t take a break when it’s all too much. But their current coping strategies are impacting their kids and that’s not okay.

Sorry, but that absolutely doesn't discredit the documentary at all. The ADHD Foundation's complaints are mostly around the BBC not providing sufficient context about the system and constraints within it. They obviously can't say that the man wasn't given a false diagnosis as this is clearly what happened. The argument that a more comprehensive test would lead to a different result than the more common assessment type just makes a mockery of the whole area and highlights how poor our understanding of ADHD is. If you need three hours to distinguish between someone that does and doesn't have ADHD then nobody should be given a diagnosis until they have gone through the more rigorous testing. Also their diagnosis should be presented in the context of our limited understanding in this area and in a way that reflects the scientific uncertainty that exists in this area.

They Foundation even acknowledges that there are some private providers offering a poor quality of service by suggesting that only some private providers offer a quality service. Overall it's a particularly unconvincing attempt to discredit a piece of work.

The GPs specifically cited concerns about the reliability of diagnoses.

Ah another anti ND thread Bumpity, you seem to love these.

The lack of specialist support for ND parents is a real gap in family support/ ND services.

I expect because ND ‘advocates’ would be up in arms at the suggestion that ND could negatively affect their parenting. Instead, spouses and kids are left to suffer. And all out of political cowardice.

I'm on a range on threads. I am not anti ND. I just like scientific reality to be acknowledged on discussions like this as I notice posters like yourself very keen to shut down discourse on this.

What GPs?

The fact is the issue is ADHD is massively under diagnosed, the NHS is trying to catch up.Nobidy should be having to go private or waiting as long as they are. It wrecks lives.

Figures are just 5% for adults and 3-4% in children.

I just keen to stop ignorance and ableism.

Yes, you can.

You can’t. Any diagnosis needs evidence and historic evidence. It’s expensive.

Nobody struggling with adhd should be having to even consider going private. The nhs is trying to cut waiting times.

The ones in this study https://ejhp.bmj.com/content/25/4/222?ijkey=8e48a26a999344c4512fd62dc6c7ea76f338d984&keytype2=tf_ipsecsha

There is no such definitive 'fact' about ADHD. Scientists are in disagreement and some think there has been diagnosis creep and ADHD is actually over diagnosed. This is what I mean about keeping posts balanced and rooted in science. This is an emerging area of science and we have lots to learn about ADHD, how it interplays with trauma and the extent to which traits are a 'normal' part of the human condition.

I paid for an assessment- no diagnosis. You’re confusing assessment with diagnosis

The controversy is that some private providers have extremely high rates of diagnosis (bordering on 100%). It is therefore completely possible that you have effectively paid for a diagnosis. This doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have ADHD but that the diagnosis that you do have may not be as robust as it should be.

Complete bullshit and deeply offensive for the families living with the condition.

35 questionnaires 🤣and loving the way you’re choosing to ignore

”lack of availability or uptake of non-pharmacological treatments and a perception that secondary-care physical monitoring was inconsistent.”

As I said many GPs don’t do shared care with NHS diagnosticians due to burden of care. It’s not about reliability. Our excellent GP does not do shared care at all, not even with our fantastic nhs diagnostic service. So the nhs diagnostic service handles prescriptions, titrating, psycology, reviews and alternative treatment.

What crappy science you are using. Many people have lived with adhd for years and know they have ADHD, are advised to get a diagnosis. Many will be advised on the back of an autism diagnosis so stands to reason most will get a diagnosis.

The documentary was not discredited. The ADHD foundation - one organisation which cannot be argued to have an objective stance on this issue - did not agree with its findings and pointed out what it perceived to be shortcomings in the way the research was conducted.

There were other concerns re the poor journalism.