AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

I'm sorry what? I didn't say anything about women and girls and this OP is about a man

https://eput.nhs.uk/media/dzzk021d/eput-foi-22-2575.pdf
Stats are hard to get hold of for obvious reasons but this was released by the NHS after a FOI request. Not quite 100% but very close to that!

We need to be honest about what is going on. This is the opposite of gas lighting.

What research?

Not everywhere has “levels” of autism. We’re in Norfolk and it’s just “autism”. I fully understand there are different severities - my friends son is non verbal, attends complex needs school, totally incontinent and will require 2 to 1 support for his whole life (he is 12, like my son), my son still has moderate autism but can talk fluently, attends an autism specialist school and presents as if you wouldn’t know he has autism. I have autism and the only thing you might pick up about me is that I have no friends whatsoever and spent my entire school life bullied by everyone for being socially different. I was very high achieving academically, was accepted into top universities etc. So yes, totally a spectrum but not everywhere diagnoses “levels”.

The declaration that adults ( and they’re often women because of the historic ignorance and sexism surrounding ND diagnosis) shouldn’t have ND diagnosis and the berating of an increase in wait lists is pretty appalling. Undiagnosed women and girls are just label seeking and should just suck it up.

It refers to support needs which one diagnostic method gives but acknowledges can fluctuate hence most places in the uk not giving a level

A family member works on Panorama (BBC) & did a lot of research on people getting a private ADHD diagnosis. Their main researcher went to his GP for a thorough assessment - told he doesn't have ADHD (which he knew), he then went private saying all the same things and got a ADHD diagnosis. Private companies are making huge amounts of money selling ADHD medication. She's of the belief from her research and what the show uncovered that many private companies are taking advantage of people. Everywhere on social media people are also self diagnosing. Obviously there are lots of genuine cases and a rise in cases because of better awareness. I think the show caused outrage by many ADHD people are struggling to get a diagnosis/help but it was an interesting watch.

But you have used the word severity in the same context I have used mild. It is a spectrum, those at the lower end of the spectrum presently vastly different to those at the upper end, at the lower end you may need little if any support whereas at the higher end you may need 24/7 care so mild is quite suitable in that context. Every autistic person is different in how they present and their needs.

I agree with you OP. Being ND does not excuse atrocious parenting. Those poor kids. The parent sounds like a selfish arse.

The researcher’s journalism methods have been discredited. He lied to get into a women only safe space discussion forum and just lied all the way through.

It was sensationalist journalism at its worst and has caused a huge amount of damage.

There is no mild anywhere on the spectrum and that isn’t how it works.

It hasn't been discredited. There has been some criticism of the documentary. This isn't the same as it being completely discredited.

YANBU

My OH was diagnosed ASD as a child. His phone use is more than what it should be around our child, but he'd never use anything in his ears to drown his son out, and he'd certainly never ignore him if he talks to him. The only time anyone is on their phone at the table is if our son has the TV on. If our son doesn't have a screen on, nobody does.

I disagree and so do many medical academics.

I imagined it as the dad.

He sounds absolutely shit and needs to find better coping and management strategies that don't alienate his kids.

Oh come on now.

I'm curious whether or not this is new behaviour following their diagnosis, or if this is old behaviour which has simply continued following diagnosis? I'm an ADHD mum, and I am definitely guilty of using my phone around DD more than I probably should. It's my downtime and give me 10 minutes of doom scrolling to calm down, then I'm usually more refreshed and recharged to come back and be present in the moment. I do try to make a conscious effort to limit this, and I would never dream of putting headphones in too. But it almost sounds like your family member is now using it as an excuse to ignore the children? Which isn't fair or right. Being a ND parent is hard, but you can't just shove your headphones in and ignore your children during mealtimes because you now have an excuse to do so.

It isn’t used as “mild support”- it’s used as “mild autism” Autism isn’t mild regardless of the level of support needed

But obviously only people who think they have ADHD seek a diagnosis - so how does that figure compare to other conditions? If 95% of people who seek to have a private knee replacement end up having one does that prove you can just 'buy a diagnosis of needing a knee replacement', or does it just show that not many people who don't need one try to have a knee replacement?

I didn’t use severity in the same context at all. I didn’t distinguish between “mild” and “severe” autism. All autistic people face severe/ significant issues. The level of support varies but there is nothing mild about autism

I agree with that and I don’t necessarily think men have got it right.

I notice on MN there is often a drive for women to put themselves first more like men, as though not doing so is weak and a bit shameful . But I tend to think the world might roll along a bit better if instead of berating women for being overly compliant or “ doormats,” we focused instead on encouraging men to be a bit more giving outside themselves. Of course some men are - but that only goes to show it’s possible. Saying “ why should I if you’re not?” seems only to have resulted in a more selfish society all round.

Again that's incorrect, "all" people with ASD do not face severe/significant issues. Some do. Some don't.

@SuperSleepyBaby i get what you’re saying but that sounds like me because people didn’t/don’t see what is going on behind close doors. I have had friends since school got straight As in my GCSEs and have a Master’s, but I also started self harming aged 13, had binge eating disorders, took hours writing a script and working up the courage to call so much as a taxi, had unhealthy relationships, panic attacks when I went to uni, can go months without brushing my teeth (never told anyone except my husband). The year after getting straight As in my GCSEs I was made to sign into the library for all my free periods because I wasn’t doing my homework and I didn’t know why, I just couldn’t physically bring myself to do it and the ones I did do were essays written on the bus on the way to school.
Even when I first considered the possibility I might have ADHD I thought I was only the way I was since having children, but looking back it was the opposite. I was fine in my 20s because I had near enough total control which meant I wore headphones everywhere, exercised regularly, could impulsively spend without it impacting me significantly. Could take whatever time I needed and as I’ve had the same friends since school felt no guilt about only socialising when I felt up for it and leaving when I wanted.
I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet because I am functioning but it would have made a massive difference to me to have known as a child/teen. I want to follow through with assessment when it comes so if my children present like me I will know what to look for even if they are doing well academically.

I generally was privileged and had loving parents, though DM is definitely ADHD, and that’s why I functioned alongside a good long term memory (terrible short term). My husband had terrible trauma alongside adhd and though he was diagnosed as a child had no support except medication that didn’t work well for him and therefore struggles a lot more than I do. So I know I’m still privileged even if I am ND, but people making judgments just from what they see doesn’t tell you much.

You're confused I think, I haven't declared that at all.

Not saying you but it’s the prevailing message from several ignorant posters on here.