AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

This is so woefully ignorant from start to finish. It's difficult to know where to begin.

There is no sensible reason for doctors and specialists at private clinics to wrongly diagnose patients. People don't get a refund on their assesment fee if they're not diagnosed.

There’s some really interesting points you’ve made. In our family we don’t eat together as a rule as we focus on other more enjoyable activities for family time and if we do , one child wears noise cancelling earphones if they need to …as you say , I would expect a parent to be able to parent adequately by making choices that don’t involve making their kids feel lesser or unimportant in their parents lives. I doubt someone who only recently received their adhd diagnosis as an adult has not been able to comply with social norms previously and this is my problem with people who suddenly change their boundaries only after receiving a diagnosis. This would have been a coping strategy always so anything that has changed only since diagnosis, would be up for discussion if I were his wife!

I don’t and haven’t ever eaten with my children. It doesn’t matter how much time I have to ‘be my neurodivergent self’ the over stimulation and noise of children at meal times is too much and it’s better for everyone that I not be around as much as possible so I don’t get upset which would upset them.

We only have your opinion of this person and it may be accurate, but it may not be. There’s no way for us to know.

Those issues might have always been present, but now with better understanding has found a way to manage the discomfort and pain of mealtimes. Noise cancelling headphones without music don’t help everyone, I can’t use them as they make the ADHD noise in my brain even louder. I listen to Brown noise if I MUST eat with other people. But it isn’t a long term solution and I couldn’t do it every day.

If somebody had a physical disability and needed to lie down for a rest so put their child in front of the tv would you sympathise?
Autism can be quite debilitating at times. I think you are being very judgemental.

YANBU.

Thank god DH doesn’t behave like this.

Overstimulation is a thing, and no one is perfect, but he needs to find better ways of coping, eg take himself to a different room.

NOT sit next to his kids at mealtime, headphones in, and reject their bids for attention. No excuses for that.

My child listens to music through their headphones too ….but the op is commenting about a grown man who has chosen to have children and seeing as both adhd and autism are neuro developmental disorders, to get to adulthood without being in a position of needing to make adjustments before that diagnosis is given , is the reason why people like Dr. Suzanne O ‘Sullivan are arguing about diagnostic creep, where the thresholds to be given a diagnosis are changing.

You Absolutely can. Many mass ADHD assessment providers, including those contracted to fill the NHS void, are paid to confirm what a person comes to seek.

I don't think that's unfair to expect thst tbh given he has all day to regulate.

He could use earplugs that cut down sensory input instead if noise is a trigger.

Is this recent behaviour?

Evidence? Like I said before, if you’re going to make bold statements, substantiate it.

It is a bit ableist but as a ND mother, frankly, I’m used to it. My child was in high school before I was diagnosed because of how little research has been done into female presenting neurodiversity. My Mum is also ND and wasn’t diagnosed until after I was.

Life with a child was awful for me. I had no idea how much it was going to impact my mental health and I actually had a breakdown. Since mine has been out of primary it’s been so much better but I only had one (also, DC was a surprise baby, I hadn’t planned on any, and was 14 weeks before I found out due to being on the Depo shot and not having periods anyway) because I just couldn’t handle it.

The mess, noise, disruption, lack of time to myself, please don’t underestimate how hard it is for ND parents, generally speaking we’re trying so hard.

The fact that they have a disability won’t change the children’s experience. It’s equally as crappy whether the parent has a disability or not.

GoodEnoughParents · Yesterday 22:23

"It’s not about just meeting NHS criteria though. As an AuDHD mother who works in ND and Mental Health, and has been through NHS and private for my own assessment. I met NHS criteria in terms of diagnostic screening but because I function well within society it wasn’t within their remit and funding to pursue assessment for me. Private or Right To Choose often fill this gap where people function but want to understand themselves and their identity better."

But problems with social functioning is the criteria for diagnosis otherwise we risk labelling individual traits/differences as a disorder. There has to be a cut-off point somewhere. Of course the NHS isn't going to fund "getting to know yourself" assessments if there's no significant functioning problems to warrant it.

Poor parenting

But what are they like overall as a parent?

i might spend a lot of the day listening to my children, going for a walk with them, breaking up fights, giving them baths, giving dinners etc.

then i just want some time alone to eat dinner while looking at my phone - and i will tell them not to bother me - leave me alone until after. Even if they are begging to ask me a question they get a firm ‘no’.

Every human has limits and needs some space to unwind.

Sounds like my childhood. We weren't allowed to talk, yet he always shouted. We weren't allowed to move, he could see it out of the corner of his eye and it annoyed him. We were all autistic but mine and my siblings stims had to be silenced and supressed as my dad's comfort (and stims) were the only priority.

He was a narcissistic bully and we have all struggled with addiction and mental health issues. Generational trauma is very common in autistic families.

I believe there are people who definitely have autism and ADHD. My son has autism and needs a lot of help to function.

But I think some over diagnosis will make people start to doubt the genuine cases,

A relative recently was diagnosed with ADHD and i have my doubts- i wouldn’t say it to the person though. Since childhood they have managed very well in school, plenty of friends, progressed to university and did well there. Got married, got a house, had children - doing well in their job. Still have lots of friends as an adult and do lots of hobbies. Raising children as well as anyone else.

There is nothing significantly up with them if they can function well in society and have never needed support. They bring up the ADHD all the time like to explain why they feel they are disorganised- but to me it looks like standard levels of disorganisation - like sometimes losing your car keys or feeling a bit overwhelmed when you have a lot to do.

My relative us always implying things are exceptionally difficult for them but I think most humans have issues and struggles but have to get on with it without a label.

There are plenty of genuine cases that do need help. My son needs a lot of help as a child but my hope for his sake is that he manages to function to some extent in society- if his life turned out as my relative with ADHD, with his own home, family, career then it would be amazing..

Don’t be so naive, of course you can!

I wanna slag off a family members parenting without her knowing PS shes suffering shit I don't understand and have no intention of asking about. Slag her off with me.

OK

Is she rich OP? has she got grands to be throwing around so family members can turn up and be around for an hour or two before deciding it's a fake diagnosis?

You don't sound like you know this woman at all, you're definitely not someone she needs around.
This Autistic/ADHD parent (who happens to be your relative?) weird way of describing a relative tbh

Evidence?

GP appt are 10 to 15 minutes long. They are not specialists in everything and that's why they do referrals. It's not fair to expect GPs to take responsibility for this, or to expect them to diagnose ADHD or autism during an appointment. There has been a huge rise in people wanting a diagnosis for neuro diversity and primary care isn't a one size fits all.

I think this is the other side of the story for all those who seem to think that the parent's needs must come first and be met in anyway that he seems fit. He is completely overriding and ignoring the needs of his children. These kids could well be ND themselves too, but even if they weren't, their needs and wants matter too and shouldn't just be sacrificed on the alter of managing his condition.

Young children are not mature adults and not necessarily as capable of making allowances and adjustments for a parent's disability. They just won't have the understanding and maturity to understand why the adjustments need to be made and what it all means. All they will experience is a disengaged parent that gets angry at them when they make noise. It's also likely that young children have problems with impulse control and will struggle to keep quiet in the way that the father wants them to which will lead to more conflict.

Ultimately the father is the grown up that has chosen to have the children. He needs to find a way to manage his conditions whilst minimising the impact it has on the children. The onus should be on him to do this and not to place ridiculous and cruel expectations on young children who are behaving completely age appropriately if they are enjoying their dinner and making some noise.

This article from the British Journal of General Practice considers concerns over the robustness of private diagnosis: ADHD and the rise of the private diagnosis

The Panorama documentary screened in 2023 also raises similar concerns with its undercover reporter being able to obtain a diagnosis from all three of the private clinics he attended despite failing to meet the clinical threshold for diagnosis in any of the eighteen recognised symptoms.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-65534448

It is absolutely happening. There was also a study in Northern Ireland that showed that GPs were reluctant to support the medicalisation of ADHD due to doubts over the reliability of private diagnoses.