AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

I would argue it's more than a snapshot.... I see them frequently HOWEVER I certainly am there only when there is a lot of people so I do think it's probably a more triggering time than a typical day.

Interesting about gender there.

This parent actually doesn't work and the children are both in full time childcare so I perhaps uncharitably feel they have a lot of their day to be their full ND self and maybe be able to mask slightly at dinner time? I don't know, maybe that's unfair.

Seems an uncharitable reading of my post where I come seeking advice and specifically state my concerned that I am being ableist. Thankfully your opinion doesn't seem to be shared by many.

From what I hear, men put themselves first whether NT or ND. As I say, my father wasn’t a father. He was like another child who resented me taking time away from him and his needs. I would never put my children through that.

Autistic/ADHD parent. I think the kids needs come first. I also had likely undiagnosed Autistic parent and their excessive rules and need for quiet/alone time really made the family isolated from each other.

My DH has ASD and wears 1 headphone at dinner to help him cope. He can get involved in conversation but generally zones out a bit. I think watching videos is too far, and to be honest I'd rather he ate elsewhere than be such a poor role model for table manners.

Of course he shouldn’t be ignoring his kids. Putting headphones in and watching a film while they’re trying to talk to you is just rude, adhd or not.

So albeit a lot of parents wish to do that, I think you have to believe this parent that her need to do so is more than an NT parent’s wants.

But how can anyone possibly know that, or draw the line between wanting and needing for something like that?

Interesting I came to this post after the gender debate. I just read from a autism research book, that a ND man would generally put their needs above social norms and not be bothered by the social consequences, whereas a ND woman would more likely mask her discomfort and needs to appear to fit in with NT peers.

When I read the post as a mother ignoring her kids I thought "that's too far" but when I realised it was a father I thought "oh that figures". The typical behaviour we expect of men and women is so ingrained in society!

My mother ignored us as kids with the silent treatment or TV over dinner, despite us being generally quiet and well behaved children. She was undiagnosed autistic and had learning difficulties. I am on the waiting list to be assessed so I am trying to speak from my experience. It was not a great childhood. I literally didn't sit around a normal family dinner table until I was in my 20s at friend's houses!

Surely a better accommodation would be for a parent to use ear plugs or headphones without music to dampen the general noise. A continuation of ignoring a child every dinner time is not a good dynamic to live and be raised in. If it's occasional then that may be acceptable if parent is present during other family time.

Not directed at me I know but there are some unscrupulous companies out there and yes buying the assessment will almost guarantee a diagnosis.

Its very naive to think otherwise.

Does your GP friend take responsibility for thd fact that she's unable to offer assessment for patients supposedly under her care? What is she doing about that? Does she not believe her patients? Does she think she knows best? Doesn't sound very scientific. What's her solution to thd decades long undef diagnosis of women and the harm it's caused?

At the end of the day OP you only see this behaviour when you are there. It's possible you are the trigger for this, not anything personal but a visitor in the house. Maybe the moment you walk out the door all is OK again.

It's a tricky balance but the parents responsibility is to put the child first and do whatever it takes. People who are physically disabled don't let their kids starve because preparing a meal might be very difficult for them, that extreme example obviously but they find a system that works. I know someone with Adhd who has to do heavy lifting or intense exercise for a couple of minutes in order to be able to sit down and chat at dinner time. This to me is a good example of managing a disability.

All that said, parents are allowed child free moments in their day and children need to learn their parents limits and that they are humans. Maybe their system is parent engages while preparing dinner but then needs 20 mins quiet time then, is ready to engage again before bedtime. You don't know the full story from visiting

Ok, what is your evidence for this please? If you can’t provide any I call BS. If you make bold statements then substantiate your claims.

The NHS now outsources a lot of its referrals to private companies. They wouldn’t do this if these people made up fake dx.

I have extensive experience of both private and NHS services and I have found that, if anything, the independent companies want MORE evidence before they begin to undertake any assessments.

Most clinicians will expect to see medical referrals and / or school referrals.

An autism diagnosis will require diagnostic, numerical scores. FYI.

Lived experience from my friendship group. I've posted about it before.

Call bs all you want, I've got ND kids and have run the gauntlet of assessments for decades and know how many hoops there is to jump through. But there, are beyond a shadow of a doubt, unscrupulous professionals out there and if you think it doesn't happen with some private companies you're staggeringly naive.

That’s not evidence. It’s always ‘my friends’

Are your friends aware that they have fake dx? What good is a fake dx?

How can a diagnosis be made without a report that explains how it was made? A decent practitioner will use the ADOS which requires scores. They will also follow the NICE guidelines.

If a dx is fabricated then it will be obvious to whomever is reading it.

I think you should also name these alleged private companies so that people don’t waste their money…

It’s also important to acknowledge that Local Authorities like to tell parents they won’t accept private assessments. They usually do this because they wish to avoid making provision for a child who needs it because it costs money.

This then becomes a perpetuated myth among parents, teachers and SENCOs who end up telling people that private companies make up fake assessments.

First of all, only a developmental paediatrician or a clinical psychologist is able to make a diagnosis. And if someone with this title decides to provide a fake dx to someone else for nefarious use, they are going to be struck off and lose every shred of credibility they ever had.

Considering the number of children and adults that are on wait lists for genuine reasons, it simply would not be in anyone’s interests to give a NT person a fake diagnosis.

Sigh

I'm not talking about decent practitioners. That's the whole bloody point.

My friend believes in her diagnosis 100% and won't be told otherwise. Despite the fact she was told she didn't reach the threshold by both the NHS and other private companies. We've had crossed words about it several times. Knowing what my kids went through versus how easy it was for her offends me greatly. Seeing them struggle daily whilst I'm convinced she presents as NT, albeit menopausal, and yet has the same diagnosis I find galling. But it is what it is. She won't be alone in this and that's why these companies have cropped up.

Which company is this, please? I have decades of experience too. I have 3 autistic children aged between 23 and 5.

It's not a game of one-upmanship about how many decades of experience/number of ND kids we both have. It doesn't invalidate my friend's experience either way.

I'm clearly not going to disclose identifying medical information on a public forum nevermind result in accusations of libel. But then I'm NT.

Happy to leave it there as I don't wish to derail it further.

Well for me I found i had to find methods to manage.
I find screaming really overloading, can feel myself bubble up and shut down. With my youngest I can just do a few STOP (stop,take a step back, observe, proceed mindfully) techniques, go into mental ticklist mode and practically manage the situation to not freak. But my oldest (surprise surprise) has suspected (too young to diagnose going through system) Autism and has really bad meltdowns. So its a juggle of managing my overwhelm and also catering to the adaptions she needs to deescalate. So it has taken a long time to work out how to manage it effectively with a LOT of tried and failed methods along the way.
I feel as the parent its my job to manage MY triggers to lead by example and show how you work around our strengths and weaknesses to get a solution.

I actually found mindfulness and meditation works well and I do that through cooking which is a win for everyone 😂 i found following recipes and creating lists, then the process of cooking keeps me in the moment and quite calming, it quietens my mind. So hey kids are grumpy and everyone's irritable but we all get cookies 😂

(Think you can tell i did a bit of therapy to help before the kids came along)

@WillyoujustbequietIt’s not about just meeting NHS criteria though. As an AuDHD mother who works in ND and Mental Health, and has been through NHS and private for my own assessment. I met NHS criteria in terms of diagnostic screening but because I function well within society it wasn’t within their remit and funding to pursue assessment for me. Private or Right To Choose often fill this gap where people function but want to understand themselves and their identity better.

I put YABU to the OP as you don’t know the full picture of the parenting from this snippet alone. Is it neglectful, distant, cold? Or is it 90% good and warm parenting, with 10% not so great. No parent is perfect and good enough with lots of love works well.

It is not oneupmanship to ask you to substantiate your claims. if you won’t then people can draw their own conclusions. I am sick of seeing this on Mumsnet because what it does is to add fuel to the fire of bullying disabled people who are now accused of being fakers and liars.

You’re the one who brought up decades of experience. My point is that I understand how dx are made and have both NHS and independent diagnoses that have been made within my family. Myself and dd3 have NHS dx and my other two autistic children have independent dx. I was able to use one of those independent diagnosis reports to convince the LA of the need for statutory assessment.

It sounds from what you say that you have decided your ‘friend’ isn’t as disabled as your children and therefore ought not to have a diagnosis. I’m assuming you’re not a diagnosing practitioner? One autistic person can look very different from another.

NHS diagnostic models are still (sometimes) outdated for girls / women because they can be based on male presentations. Some women are also very good at masking.

Also not sure what you being NT has to do with anything. I used to think I was NT.

Yeah that's completely unacceptable. If he's feeling overwhelmed it would be better to go lie down for a bit and come back or eat later, not ignore people - his children! - at the dinner table. It's incredibly bad manners for one.

Some NT parents would like quiet at mealtimes (I prefer to chat), most hate the sound of their kids screaming, though some can ignore it, but all parents should be interacting with their kids.

I think the father in the OPs example shouldn't be eating with the kids, as they're being forced to sit in silence and watch him watch videos on his phone, they're learning that his needs come before everone elses. He should eat elsewhere, while apologising to his kids that he can't spend time having fun with them, and apologising to his partner that he can't fully share the parenting load.

The status of his diagnosis doesn't mean the household has to revolve around him, or that he can't make an effort to put his family first.

You can have ADHD and still be a selfish arse.