AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

And I say that as the mum of a very complex adult child who needs 2:1, 24/7 care.

I'm not belittling anything. I'm autistic, as is my child. Its affected my life greatly, know well the struggles. But my childs autism IS much more severe than mine. It is a fact. It is plain to see,. Clear in the way it affects their life. I would be amazed if they manage to live completely independently as an adult. Or hold down a full time job. They are unable to cope in mainstream school. Unable to mask in any real way.
I cannot comment on the severity of the diagnosis of other people I don't know and I never tried to - I just started that there are levels of severity. Which there are.
To say that that is not more severe is an insult to them.

I am a member of the 'autistic community' , if by that you mean people who are autistic. I'm not minimising anyone's diagnosis in particular (other than my own maybe, although I don't see it that way) I don't know them. I only started that there are levels of severity.
Whether people are offended by that is neither here nor there. It doesn't make it less true.

Some people have higher care needs than others - I don’t think anyone would disagree with that. But use of the word ‘mild’ tends to minimise real struggles that people have. There is that quote about ‘my autism isn’t mild to me - other people experience it mildly’ (often due to masking)

There you go again.

Define severity.

” I would be amazed if they manage to live completely independently as an adult. Or hold down a full time job. They are unable to cope in mainstream school. “

Could say all that about my daughter who couldn’t even manage supported living. She masks a lot.

You don’t get to decide severity or levels of severity. That is an insult to all autistic people.

What a depressing life for all involved. I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t cope with eating a meal with children at the table.

How is this an attractive partner?

I wonder if they have issues with some of your parenting. Maybe they want to eat as a family.ND is a disability and disability impacts family life.

With ND sensory issues such as chewing etc can be hugely difficult. EDs are common. Distraction with TV shows etc are often recommended in treatment.

Your post says a lot. You seem to question the validity of their ND .I’d focus on your own parenting. You seem quite judgemental and children pick up on that.

I understand that. I would probably meet the threshold for an autism diagnosis myself, although currently, I only have an ADHD diagnosis. I would classify my ADHD (and if I'm autistic too) as "mild" to be honest. That doesn't mean I don't have massive struggles in my life because of it. I need medication to do all the things I want to do. I need reasonable adjustments at work, but I can work. I am not in prison and can control my impulses enough not to commit crimes. I have friends. I have been able to focus enough to achieve qualifications. I can live independently, plan ahead and communicate my needs.

I can't say whether or not that's because my ADHD is "mild" or whether it's that I have high ability in other areas enabling me to overcome some of the challenges relating to it, however, I can totally understand how if I was the parent of a child with very severe ADHD, who was likely to require care for the rest of their life and be unable to function independently, would find it frustrating to be told that we were all in the same bracket.

It's isn't one person's view though. There are some experts who agree with him, some who have different theories that don't align with your viewpoint and some that agree with you. This is the same with Autism/ADHD too. It's because it's an area that is still being researched and science and understanding is still emerging.

Andrew Wakefield was a fraudster. Not just someone who in good faith put forward a theory that was proven to be incorrect. Unless you're accusing every expert that disagrees with you of the same then I would suggest the comparison is a poor one.

I would also like to point out the obvious. You may well be proven to be on the wrong side of science and history. If there is no widely held consensus on these things and the science is patchy then it does absolutely nobody any favours to shut down discussion and genuinely held and researched alternative theories. You absolutely cannot be sure that they aren't correct and what you're understanding is in fact wrong.

No, once again I'll reiterate that just because I don't agree with you this doesn't mean I know so little. Some of the things you have posted have been objectively wrong. You have frequently insisted that certain theories or opinions are fact and set in stone when it's just different schools of thought that have taken precedence at any one time often in different places.

There is absolutely no global agreement about the severity of Autism. America uses DSM 5 very differently to us. In this context, I find it strange that you think it's ok to tell a mother that she is definitively wrong to say her child has more severe autism than her. You can say that this isn't how the British diagnostic model would describe it but it certainly isn't objectively incorrect.

You’ve posted literally nothing that that indicates you know anything about autism, the realities of living with it or the diagnostic procedure.

Said mother can say what she likes about her child, what she can not do is label the autism of others and decide if their autism or that of their child is severe or mild.

Except she can and has done. There is no thought police and she isn't using hate speech. She is simply using language that is recognised in diagnostic models used in other major countries that she thinks best fits her and her child's situation. She isn't a medical professional that has to follow the UK's current approach that might well change over time anyway.

🤣hysterical so there is no thought police when you or others are saying deeply offensive things but not the other way round when people say things you don’t like.

As I said mother can say what she likes about her child, what she can not do is label the autism of others and decide if their autism or that of their child is severe or mild. Said mother hasn’t even bothered to define what severely autistic is.

I doubt it, the language is about need which diagnostic models acknowledge can fluctuate throughout life. No uk diagnostic model is going to say autistic people with high levels of need are not “severely” autistic. They also know how impossible it is to categorise or put levels on, hence not doing it already.

You have a really unhealthy interest in the subject.

Quite. I always say that I’m only an expert in my children’s autism.