AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

Sorry yet more rubbish. Yes they overlap but any trained professional is more than capable of differentiating between the two. People
are increasingly self diagnosing just about everything because there is masses of info out there re conditions and diseases online.

Diagnosis rates are still
low and in line with the rest of the world.

Why on earth do you find that alarming? A statement like that just highlights your complete ignorance of the subject.

Because these statements are predicated on an assumption that the diagnosis is robust and accurate. We know that this isn't the case. With one friend, ADHD was a completely inappropriate diagnosis and it was subsequently changed to bipolar disorder. This was devastating and incredibly confusing for her. The overlap between the symptoms led her to believe that it 'made everything make sense' but it was fundamentally wrong. Treatment was ineffective and it was just a terrible situation. Vulnerable people are desperate for an answer and something that makes sense of the things they are experiencing.

I also think the idea that people are broken if they don't have a diagnosis or label is awful. The human condition is varied and not every undesirable or unwanted trait is as a result of a disorder. Today I listened to a podcast by an expert that believed that anxiety disorders don't exist and that it's an inappropriate diagnosis for people experiencing anxiety that needs to be managed as a normal part of the human condition. Having a label and diagnosis can be a crutch for lots of people but if we are not getting to the root cause of what is actually going on then it isn't helpful to people on the long term.

I'm not ignorant. I don't agree with you but it absolutely doesn't make me ignorant.

Your ignorance just keeps on coming.

It is well known by professionals that incorrect diagnosis particularly amongst women and girls is the other way round. Far too many are diagnosed as BPD etc when it is in fact ND.

And do jog on with your label and crutch accusations and theory. My children and I have battled through incredible difficulties our entire lives. Our ND diagnoses answer questions, enable treatment adjustments and reasonable adjustments. Most importantly they help massively in so many ways.

You really don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.

What is the true meaning of ignorance?

a lack of knowledge, understanding
: a lack of knowledge, understanding, or education : the state of being ignorant.

You are ignorant.

One friend and a fucking podcast?! This is enough to make you believe anxiety doesn’t exist and diagnosis isn’t robust enough? That being diagnosed isn’t helpful? Wow

You really really are ignorant. It would be comical if not so hurtful and offensive

No, not one friend. I used a friend as an example. I have researched this area a lot and I am certainly not ignorant. It really isn't that controversial to believe that some diagnoses aren't robust and there are lots of scientists and other experts that agree with me. It's not some weird, marginal view.

My reference about the podcast was simply because the podcast was out today. The expert being interviewed was Owen O'Kane who has extensive experience in this field. I suppose he must also be ignorant though.

Also I never said anxiety didn't exist. Stop making weird straw man arguments. I simply referenced the fact that Owen believes that anxiety disorder doesn't exist. This is a very different thing! Don't call me ignorant when you misrepresent what I've written either deliberately or through complete misunderstanding.

So all the other experts that also disagree with you are ignorant then? I am certainly not alone in voicing concern in this area. Your reluctance to acknowledge any of the very valid issues that have been highlighted in this area just make me think that you have a massive amount of false certainty. The science simply doesn't support most of what you say.

So why mention this “expert” claiming anxiety doesn’t exist? What was the point you were making here? And yes he is ignorant if he says anxiety doesn’t exist!

Literally heard no other “experts” say what you have. Yes there are the same old anti ND MNers that crop up on these threads but they’re not experts by any means .

You’ve researched this a lot - kind of tells us all we need to know.

But not all autistic people do get a diagnosis do they. A lot go under the radar.

He didn't say anxiety didn't exist. He said that there was no such thing as anxiety disorder. The two things are very different.

Are you trying to say Owen O'Kane doesn't qualify as an expert? Are you even aware of him? I'm assuming you are because otherwise it would be incredibly ignorant of you without even knowing his credentials.

Honestly please go and do some research as this is ridiculous. There are absolutely loads of experts that share my concerns. It is just ridiculous to pretend they don't exist. By all means disagree with them, but it is just completely deluded to pretend they don't exist.

I can see you are incredibly emotionally attached to your beliefs in this area and this is personal for you. I genuinely don't want to upset you but I think that we need to have a fair and balanced representation of the science in this area. It isn't really ok to post that we definitively know that autism is caused completely by genetic factors etc when it is completely misleading. This is an area of emerging science. It is natural that different opinions and theories exist. It's not a personal attack to acknowledge this

Sorry not going to be told what to do or even listen to somebody who has said the things you have said about ND and people getting a diagnosis. It’s laughable that you think you have some inner knowledge when you clearly know so little.

Yes I know who he is. No i don’t agree with one person’s view. If all, or the majority of, mental health experts agreed then that would be different. Some expert once said vaccines cause autism. Some don’t understand what climate change is. Just because he said it doesn’t make it true

He’s just an ex therapist commercialising anxiety under an agency.

I’ll take my advice from proper professionals thanks.

The state of NHS autism/ADHD assessment waiting lists has nothing to do with GPs. What is she meant to do?

What a load of BS. You're trying to tell me that someone non-verbal, self harming, constant meltdowns isn't more severely autistic than someone (like me) who is noise sensitive, struggles with changes in routine and social interactions but is able to mask?
Now that's offensive

No I’m telling you that anybody with an autism diagnosis has to reach a threshold and it isn’t mild.

FYI masking is hugely debilitating and damaging, it has caused the need for high levels of support and services for one of my children. My children collectively do all the above. They are different but it’s not a competition and all
are equally autistic.

They are all equally autistic but some people's is more severe, it affects their ability to function in a NT society more severely. That is undeniable. Just like with physical disabilities, deafness and visual impairments are a spectrum, but being profoundly deaf or completely blind will impair your ability to function independently much more severely.

And 'FYI' you don't need to tell me what masking is like thanks, as I said I do it everyday. You seem to think you are the font all knowledge on autism.

You can’t quantify severity as there are several elements to autism and define ability to function anyway. You dont know the severity of anybody’s diagnosis so don’t get to decide for them.

If you know how damaging masking is don’t dismiss it as an ability and use it to belittle the diagnoses of autistic people who do it.

A lot of people in the autistic community find it offensive when other people minimise our difficulties by saying ‘oh but you only have mild autism’