AIBU about how this autistic/ADHD parent manages symptoms around their children.

[Flamingmango]

Someone in my family has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (privately in UK) and believe they also have autism, I'm not sure they are seeking a diagnosis for that. They have two young children, a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

I'm struggling with some behaviour they do that they excuse with the ND, like, at meal tables watching a video on their phone with earphones and one of their children trying to talk to them, they'll ignore them or say "I told you I'm watching something". And being very intense about the kids always having to be quiet or other stuff which I consider expecting the children to be responsible for the parent's triggers. They complain about these children so much and seem to think they are very difficult but I honestly find them incredibly delightful typical kids (I do also consider them a little overmanaged).

I understand the need to regulate if not coping, for example, if a parent told me their ND kid gets time on their tablet at the table or whatever to regulate to get through meal times then I would understand that. But when you are a neurodivergent parent, I think you need to be finding ways for you to manage your symptoms without hindering your kids and also maybe also adhering to social norms/rudeness (this happens at family meals and events too? Is that unfair? I'm genuinely worried I'm being ableist I guess. Would love to hear from other ND parents.

They all do otherwise they wouldn’t get a diagnosis .

@Flamingmango I can understand what you’re saying and I think everyone would agree it’s not ideal for the children. But, you’re assuming that ND can be managed and social norms adhered to as an adult. That might be true for some ND people but not all I would imagine. Just because you are older doesn’t mean the triggers are lessened or that you are necessarily able to cope with it and if you can appreciate the need to accommodate a child you should understand that an adult with ND may also need accommodations. It depends how strong that trigger and need is for each individual so none of us can comment on whether that’s appropriate or not. I imagine that if they are working all day and socialising with non family that a degree of exhaustion may have set in and need to regulate again.

Ah that's OK then. Kids just suffer then.

What does the mum think about this set-up OP?

Because that is important here.
Is she working all day, doing a lot of childcare at home, you say the dad doesn't work and the children are in full time childcare. So I am assuming the mum is working.

Not that is it for women to sort out the behaviour of men, but there is a 6 and 3 year old in the middle of all this, why doesn't she point out that it is the dad that needs to eat where he feels comfortable? (I say this as it sounds like the dad seems to have monopolized his needs within the household).

And perhaps he does when they are alone, you only see them when there are many people around, so why he was sitting in headphones at the table instead of eating off in the kitchen is a bit of a mystery.

You can have selfish twattish parents who are NT and selfish twattish parents that are ND, that's just life and obvious, using whatever you do as an excuse is detrimental to the children you bring into this world.

There is a elevated possibility that their children are ND, so this needs to be taken into account, because as many have said, for children to mask is not a good thing. And eventually the mask will slip, if it's there. Because if their children are ND they will need patience, understanding and guidance as they go through life, there will only be so many jobs that ND adults can do, look at this dad in question, and they will be competing against other ND peers for these positions not NT adults.

You are not unreasonable to notice this, outwardly at least, selfish twattish behaviour from the adult at the dinner table, I would talk to the mum. Personally I couldn't put up with him being at off work without kids all day, then being present but zoned out at the dinner table, and what else? Bedtime too chaotic, he needs more downtime? Whilst you run around ragged because of you know "his" ND. This is part of the reason it's good for adults to get a diagnosis if they didn't in childhood, if you have a ND adult, you can make a more informed choice if you want to become a parent with them, with the increased possibility you might have ND children. Information is important especially when making the decision of having children. Hopefully adult diagnosis will gradually reduced in future because more are being diagnosed during childhood.

@Haveyouanyjam

i also had lots of struggles growing up - bad social anxiety and depression. In my case it was due to issues with my parents (they problems with alcohol etc). I did counselling and have mostly come to terms with it.

Life was definitely harder for me than for my relative with the ADHD diagnosis. But that’s just life and it doesn’t bother me except when they are constantly bringing up ADHD to explain standard human disorganisation. There is an assumption by them that life is officially harder for them and they have a diagnosis to prove it- the assumption that the rest of us must sail through life and not get stressed or misplace our car keys.

All humans have their struggles. If you are generally functioning in life - have a happy family, a home, a successful job, good social life - then i do question how significant this diagnosis is - or how genuine.

having said that i know there are genuine cases - like my son who is significantly impacted by autism.

Agreed.

(And the subject of the post screams male to me.)

@amiadoormat
this is a ridiculous and ignorant statement. I work in nhs and a private clinic. Just because someone ‘has got this far’ doesn’t negate the experiences they’ve had. The adults I’ve assessed have self reported feeling like an outcast their whole lives, feeling like an alien etc. often the penny drops when they have kids and the kids are going through assessment that they realise that the things their kids are experiencing are exactly the same as what they did- just that nobody noticed or asked.

Seeing them frequently with other is a snap shot. Parenting is a 24/7 job. Work out how many hours you spend with them every week and do the maths.

This figure is astonishingly high! Of course there is an element of self selection with all assessments, people will only put themselves forward if they think there is a reasonable chance they have the condition. ADHD though by it's very nature shares a lot of traits with other conditions and can even mimic them including anxiety, ODD, Autism and bipolar disorder. If medically trained professions find it tricky to distinguish between the conditions then it would be miraculous that patients have been able to do this with 95% accuracy. Then of course there will be those that have ADHD traits but don't quite meet the threshold for ADHD. Again, unless you're medically trained then it would be very difficult for people to know they meet the criteria with 95% accuracy.

This all boils down to the assessment, how it's conducted and the space it allows for subjectivity and interpretation. You see a similar thing with autism
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/mar/04/some-nhs-centres-twice-as-likely-to-diagnose-adults-as-autistic-study-finds
There is a clearly a big problem here with diagnostic accuracy and it urgently needs to be addressed. These diagnoses can be life changing for people but if they are predicated on false certainly then this is hugely dangerous.

@SuperSleepyBaby but my point is, you don’t know what is going on internally for people, especially women who are socialised to keep things in. If you asked people in my life they would have said I had a happy, easy childhood, that I am successful have good friends and am a good mum. Even on here there are things I don’t want to say I do or don’t do because I feel horribly ashamed. It’s easy to talk about struggling with being organised, it’s not easy to admit you haven’t brushed your teeth in weeks, have suicidal thoughts, drink too much, have meant every day for the past three months to book your child’s optician's/dental appointment but haven’t, have a present for your friend’s child on your bedroom floor who you love very much and whose birthday was 5 months ago but you just can’t seem to wrap it up and send it. Just small examples to make the point. It’s not helpful for anyone to point score about whose life is harder and why. As you said, we all have struggles and just because someone has had it harder doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be able to share theirs. My husband has been through every awful thing a person could have growing up, my life has been much easier, but it doesn’t mean it’s been easy, or that I shouldn’t talk about the things I find hard.

@Haveyouanyjam
that sounds hard but many, many humans have struggles. I felt been suicidal in my 20s etc. A friend of mine has a severely disabled child. A neighbour’s husband suddenly died leaving her with young children. A colleague in work is undergoing cancer treatment. Most us have something going on and most people don’t find life easy.

I am close enough to my relative over their whole life to understand they are functioning well. No one truly knows any other human but when you see someone succeed from an early age- and continue to do so through life then i think a diagnosis in that case is over the top.

@SuperSleepyBaby I absolutely agree with you, I have spent most of my adult life working in prisons and mental health hospitals, I am vastly more blessed than many and I am sure your relative is too. I just don’t think that means she isn’t ND. If she’s had an easier life she is more likely to have had the space/support to develop coping mechanisms. There must have been reasons for her diagnosis. Like ASD is a spectrum, it doesn’t mean a high functioning person doesn't have it, and of course life is likely to be much easier than for someone who is non-verbal and has gross motor delay etc. Some people with hayfever have it very mildly, others very badly, they still have it and it’s annoying even if it’s not as life affecting as for those who have it severely. Should your relative have been prioritised for diagnosis over someone who has it severely? Absolutely not. Nor should I. But I will eventually take the assessment when it comes so I can be better informed for my DC if they do too.

There's also the issue of 'doctor shopping'. Someone can go round as many private clinics as they can afford until they get the answer they want. There has to be some quality control to ensure that the diagnosis is taken seriously and that those who need support receive it.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178118310126 I know we have gone down the route of diagnostic reliability but just to highlight to those promoting screen time for “ regulation” in adhd, screen time can be used in an addictive way by those with adhd….the husband would be better to go and do 20 mins on the trampoline or something before dinner, this would be a better way to regulate himself rather than escaping into a screen.

No, that's not OK at all. I am ADHD, possibly autistic too, and I have a chronic illness, and it does sometimes impact on my kids. I'm very messy and can't keep the house spotless all the time. The routine can get a bit all over the place and there's not set times for meals. Sometimes I need quiet time for a few hours and I'm not good with having my sleep disrupted.

But expecting everyone else, especially kids, to tiptoe around you is completely unreasonable. Meal times are really important for family bonding and it's incredibly rude to be sat there on a screen with earphones in.

What has their other parent said about this?

Do you think that someone is going to pay >£1000 in order to just see whether they might have ADHD or autism for no real reason? What do you think the benefits are of getting a diagnosis if you don't have it? Do you think that, even with a diagnosis, you get any support without fighting for it every step of the way? I have an ADHD diagnosis and the only "perk" I get is reasonable adjustments at work which help me to perform at roughly the same level as everyone else most of the time. Things like getting instructions in writing rather than verbally. Some people think you can walk into a clinic and walk out with a piece of paper entitling you to PIP and a free puppy.

If someone has got to that stage, they are struggling significantly and have done enough research to know already what the problem is.

It sounds like the children are not being given room to breathe, they may not be Neurodivergent it could possibly be down to parenting after all the children are still quite young, but if they are constantly being told to be quiet ect it can cause them lots of problems at mental health issues especially if not able to flourish the way they should.

@MrsSunshine2b the govt is tightening the criteria for PIP payments partly because of the huge increase in claimants with anxiety / depression but also of autism / adhd since 2000… many of those have been previously been able to claim will be excluded …so that has been one “ benefit” of getting a diagnosis ..as is the fact that some schools ( unlawfully) will not give adjustments or support to kids without a diagnosis, even though they are supposed to support according to need.

The criteria for PIP is the same regardless of what diagnoses you have. If you could make a meal, wash and take your meds without support before diagnosis then you can still do so afterwards.

I'm a bit doubtful that most people with ADHD would qualify under the current system unless they have stretched the truth a bit.

Exactly right.

That is not incorrect. You are clueless

I don't doubt that those who pay for these assessments are struggling with something and finding life hard. They are looking for answers.

Do I believe that they all have the condition that they believe they have? Almost certainly not. There is a huge overlap that exists between ADHD, ASD, bipolar, ODD, anxiety etc, so much so that medical professionals struggle to distinguish between them and assign the correct diagnosis. You're asking me to believe that all these people paying for an ADHD assessment are effectively accurately self diagnosing at a rate of 95-100? Sorry no, I don't buy it. I think we would be doing a disservice to very vulnerable people to pretend this is at all credible. It is a complete scandal!

@Bumpitybumper i totally agree, as someone with a medicated ND child ( probably many of us then start to recognise our own traits ) and “ one of those” wider families where we have some people who have diagnoses and quite a lot with asd/ adhd traits , its fairly obvious that it boils down to a degree of professional opinion and circumstances as to where you draw that line between those who “need” and would be given a diagnosis and those that don’t. Would I be given a diagnosis if I pursued a private one? Possibly , possibly not .

I think you almost certainly would. The odds would very much be in your favour. Whether you should get an ADHD diagnosis and what this means is quite another matter.

I have seen so many people upon recieving a diagnosis say 'it all makes sense now' and 'I'm relieved to know I'm not broken'. I find both of these sentiments really alarming.

You find it alarming to hear that people are able to make sense of their struggles after getting a diagnosis? Why?