AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

Presumably they’ve been through the adoption approval/vetting process?

I think you are being a bit odd @RegularBandicoot Why wouldn’t they be excited about all those things?

How on earth have they been assessed, approved and matched if they are so clueless?

You need to keep your feelings to yourself, but maybe be there for support/advice IF they ask.

I wonder which country you are in. The adoption vetting process is pretty stringent in the UK and it would be very surprising for this couple to have got so far without considering the implications of taking a traumatised toddler into their home.

The adoption process is brutal, they must know so much more than just the exciting stuff they're talking about with you.

Why would they mention any of this to you? They have likely discussed at length with each other and probably as a requirement during the adoption process.

Fucking hell. I don't think any parent really knows what they're in for, but being so mean and judgemental about them before the little one even arrives seems cruel.

They will have been through a hell of a time with the adoption process, training, assessments, all sorts.

It's awful for you to say they've been selfish by focusing on their careers.

I hope you don't voice your nastiness! Just be supportive and kind.

I don’t think you are wrong to be concerned. You know them well so I think your sense that they are treating this more like a consumer issue or a new pet than really grasping how difficult this may be for the child is probably correct. All you can do is try to be there for them as they learn.

I think you’re being a bit odd too. You sounds as though you resent their inexperienced enthusiasm and would like them to be feeling sober and anxious.

I can assure you, that as an adoptive parent myself, they would have spent months with social workers going through every aspect of their life with a fine tooth comb. I’m surprised you don’t know this. They will not be unprepared in the slightest and of course they are excited about finally bringing their child home. Instead of worrying on their behalf, just be happy for them and supportive.

'Kids are resilient' exasperates me. No they aren't. They are delicate and unformed and easily damaged. They may find ways to adapt to some appalling situations both external and internal to their families, but not without cost to their own wellbeing.

I think it's more likely that they're only sharing the positives and keeping a positive mindset.... Social workers and adoption panels are extremely good at what they do and if they didn't think they were ready then they'd be asked to do additional courses/reading etc.

My advice is keep out of it

they’re like any expectant couple, happy and excited and hoping for the best. I’m sure they’ve done all the classes and if issues appear then they will deal with them. Why should they tell you about any negative feelings they might be having.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Even if you are able to have children, you haven't a clue about the actuality until faced with a howling baby. I also was excited to plan my child's first Christmas, holiday etc. My husband was keen for him to be involved in sports. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

The adoption process is thorough and they have to do all sorts of training and courses about trauma.

Of course they could welcome the child and it be very different from what they are expecting and it could all go horribly wrong but that could happen to anyone. Nothing really prepares you for it until your doing it.

I'd support them anyway you can and hope for the best.

There's no way they've got to the stage of being about to bring a child home without being forced to consider those things.

It will undoubtedly be tough and they may have chosen to be more "normal" about it outwardly, but they'll have definitely been through the mill to get here.

Many people have the exact same attitude about being pregnant and starting a family. They can't know what's it's like - how could they? Of course they are excited. Obviously adoption can bring a whole load of other issues (I have a younger adopted sister and her issues have impacted hugely on our lives on ways we never could have imagined) but they will know of this from the lengthy process.
Just support them as much as you can.

The adoption process is long and hard, just because they haven’t publicly spoken about their worries doesn’t mean they don’t have any.

You sound really judgemental and “they don’t realise how much their life will change “they’re talking about taking child on holiday” “they’ve never even looked after a baby over night”

So you mean like every new parent? No one knows what being a parent is like until they have a child.

You can have your opinions but you’re coming across quite high and mighty,

No one knows what parenting the child that comes to us will be like!
Be excited for them and ready to be a doting aunt.
It's nice that they will have you and your DH as support.

Yeah, it makes total sense to tell everyone that they're fearful of the change, have no idea how they'll cope with trauma, and wonder if they are doing the right thing.

Of course they are excited - they have gone through a gruelling selection procedure and with no guarantee of ever getting this far. What on earth makes you think they should be compalning about the scarier stuff to all and sundry? You are expecting far more over-sharing than would be healthy.

Do you actually have the kind of close relationship with you where they would talk about the more challenging side? They may be perfectly aware, but not talking about that stuff with you. With you, their biggest concern will be ensuring that their new child is 100% perceived by you as a full member of the family, and in that situation there's no way I would talk about potential attachment issues with a SIL who might be judgy.

The adoption process is gruelling, they will have had their lives, work, family and financial set up scrutinised by the local authority. I’ve been through the process and it takes nearly 18 months to complete. They will be so much more aware than many biological parents of how it will impact their lives. They will have had to attend training courses etc. I’m sure they know better than you did, if you have children, just what being a parent will entail

People on this thread have huge faith in the vetting process and preparation. Friends adopted in the last couple of years, they got a baby, and they were similar to your in laws and they’ve had a mare as they were blindly optimistic and it’s been extremely difficult. Not the child, but their approach and how clueless they often still are. Like birth parents can be too but they had to go through a process which took ages and they were told things they refused to think further about.

YANBU to worry, YABU to say a word to them especially when you have your own children.

The UK adoption processes is thorough and often arduous, and includes lots of info on attachment, potential problems, etc.

Adoptive parents I know have had mixed experiences (some rough, some surprisingly smooth) but they've all managed sports and holidays. Let them be excited.