AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

Let’s hope you’re more supportive when your toddler niece or nephew arrives.

Reading what you’ve written just shows that there is a long way to go with adoption understanding. All adoption is complex by the very nature of terminating the legal rights of a family, and denying the very basic biological connection and links that occur. Even in cases of severe abuse or neglect there are inevitable questions about identity and biological background. We see it repeatedly even in cases of well adjusted and “happy” adoptees that hit 30, 40, 50 and have crises of identity for many reasons such as becoming parents or getting married or divorced.

Whilst I never said one size fits all, and not all people will be outwardly traumatised, indeed some may never show it, it doesn’t make the act any less complex or traumatic.

What you’ve shared about your understanding of contact is vastly different from what I have seen and experienced, not least of all as you’ve primarily focused on birth parents but contact includes siblings, aunts, grandparents etc. I’ve seen first hand children thrive from being able to maintain relationships with older siblings, or with grandparents. I’ve also seen many people have positive reunions. No, it’s nothing like long lost families but it doesn’t usually end in tears, it’s actually about 50/50, dependant on the support available to the families to manage it.

I know for my case certainly I had vastly different needs to the children born to my parents, and thankfully for the most part they met them.

In my experience, the biggest barrier to contact between adopted children and birth families is the willingness of birth families to engage. That can be because of chaotic lifestyles, or their own trauma, or finding the process too painful.

And there absolutely does need to be improvements in how the whole contact system works - basing it around physical letters is cumbersome and difficult to engage with. But the number of adoptive parents who regularly engage in the contact system writing regular letters, sending Christmas cards etc getting absolutely nothing in return is very high. We do that knowing that some day we will have to explain to our children why not only their biological family couldn't care for them, but also why they never engaged contact. And we keep doing it because we want our children to know we've done everything within our power to keep that route open.

I also don't think we can necessarily take OP's perceptions at face value. A prospective adopter being excited to take their child on holiday or to football is totally normal. It doesn't mean that they're not aware of the potential challenges.

Similarly, the fact that they're not discussing it with OP also doesn't mean they're not aware. I can probably count on one hand the number of people I talked to about the potential challenges of adopting while going through the process. I certainly didn't talk to my sister in law about it. Mostly I had a stock response when people asked about which probably fitted what the OP describes as her BIL and SIL's answers.

For a couple of reasons - one, it is exhausting to have to think about this over and over again. And second, so often our kids are seen as somehow 'broken' or 'damaged'. I never wanted to pre-empt how my child would fit in with our wider family by priming people to expect them to be challenging or traumatised. None of that meant I wasn't entirely aware of the trauma of adoption, and the potential challenges around it.

I'm an adoptive parent. My youngest is almost 20 and I have almost 24 years of adoptive parenting. We had all the training, knew all about trauma etc. When we had our first child placed, we'd never been in sole charge of a child over night (though I'd worked with children for 20 years), never parented a toddler before etc - obviously. We also talked excitedly about what we would do with our new child. Strangely we'd also always worked full time and had hobbies we enjoyed, been on a lot of holidays etc.

None of that affected our ability to parent! It was a new life for us, yes, but one we embraced. And we never subscribed to the idea of not being able to take our children on holiday - we did, thinking carefully about their needs each time. As a family we've enjoyed many great holidays and experiences together. Yes they had experienced trauma and had attachment issues and there have been some major ups and downs at times, but we are all rubbing along happily now, with them still living at home.

To most people, I've only ever talked about them the way everyone talks about their children. Only a few have heard some of the trickier experiences and challenges we've had. People don't need to know all our / their personal business. And even close family members don't always really understand.

Myself and sibling are both adopted (non bio related). We both turned out pretty (hopefully) well adjusted. We've both independently made contact with bio mums/half siblings at separate times in our lives. I can't ever recall not knowing I was adopted, but also don't ever recall it being a 'thing', I was massively self-aware/bothered by growing up. It was just 'normal', or certainly our normal.

I was adopted at 6wks (with foster mum till then), and sibling was 2yrs old.

I echo this entirely.

From the first moment we read our child's report, we felt incredibly protective of him. There was no way we were going to be going about our family chatting about all the trauma and the various ways in which that might manifest itself in their behaviour. Our son deserved to join his family with the same opportunity to build relationships free from pre-conceived notions and expectations as a newborn to their biological family.

We didn't adopt until we had had time to accept infertility treatment wasn't going to work and realised that we still wanted the chance to become parents. No it's not a cure for infertility and never felt like that to me. It's a different way to become a parent and part of my desire to do so was in feeling that we could be good parents to a child / children needing a family. I'm forever grateful to have had the privilege of adopting. For me, it's been a truly satisfying and rewarding experience despite the challenges.

My late birth mum was a drug addict, as was my birth father whom I never met. I actually found it cathartic to get to know my birth mum and understand the reasons for her wanting to give me the best start and childhood possible, and in some ways it made me have some closure over my feelings of being adopted.

But i know that she decided to have ne adopted too because if not, I'd most likely have ended up in care. I've had a wonderful life (apart from the recent head injury and subsequent iatrogenic injury and neurological movement disorder), so i know that my life was absolutely a million times better than it ever would have been..

I think being in touch with my late birth mum gave me the chance to find out her truth, and understand the reasons she came to making the hardest decision of her life. And that in turn helped her get closure from knowing her decision was the best one too.

⬆️ this. 100%. Quit the judging OP and be excited for them. They can’t have got through the process without knowing exactly what they’re taking on. They’re focussing on the positive, and why not? They are likely to make an extremely positive change to the life of a child. It’s exciting for all 3 of them.

They would have been checked out and given the appropriate advice before being accepted. Just be happy for them

You’re making the process about you which is weird, you also have no right to know anymore than they are happy to tell you, I’m not sure why you feel they should disclose their childs feelings to you.

I hope you’re so worried and concerned about parents who haven’t held a baby, or shock horror are so selfish they have both hobbies and a career, how awful.

Does anyone really know what they are getting themselves into before they have a child?

They are clearly excited and happy to welcome this child. Like most parents, they will figure it out as they go.

I do agree they have to be aware of the additional needs this child might have. I know someone who adopted 2 siblings aged 1 and 4 and the older one decently had trauma but there was also support available.

They will have been through a brutal adoption process and have obviously been approved. Your judgement is irrelevant and unhelpful.

I hope they have people in their lives who will support them and their child and not make gossipy anon threads about them on MN behind their backs. Good luck to them and their new family.

Presumably @RegularBandicoot isn’t coming back. Maybe this was all fiction anyway.

Thank you, your adoptive parents and experience with them sound lovely, they saved you, I like hearing others' experiences, thank you. I do feel very lucky every day, our childhood was really stable, but something was missing, and I think it might be happiness on my parent's part, which obviously fed down to us. My Mum seemed care worn and very worried about everything looking fine to the world, even if it meant unhappy children. When I later learned that social workers oversee adoptions a lot, and that the adoption wasn't finalised for six months, it explained the vibe of the house a bit. I can understand that. And the gruelling adoption process I think sucked the joy out of them, there was never and expression of happiness, excitement, which is why this thread touched a nerve I think.
But I am grateful, they dutifully jumped through every hoop, and you can't fake happiness or enthusiasm to your own kids.