AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

They could be just being positive in front of other people.

I did that. I know it's not the same but my 4th baby had a medical condition picked up at the 20 week scan. I had so many negative comments and I would get so cross with anyone who said to me it was going to be hard.

You sound extremely judgemental.

The majority of new parents go into parenthood saying they can’t wait for their new arrival and with rose tinted glasses on only to be met with tough times and things not looking quite how they thought.

It doesn’t make anyone a bad parent or not ready for it, it just means you can’t really know completely what it’s like to be a parent until you are one.

I am adopted and so was my late DB. I have had a wonderful childhood and upbringing, and couldn't have wished for better parents. I'm so sorry you have had a different and difficult time with your adoptive parents, thar must be hard to deal with 😢

Adoptive parents have to deal with so much - and all the worry, anticipation, vetting, analysis by social workers, and the arduous wait to take the child home must be very trying to say the least, and moreso if the child is very unwell or has been through trauma.

I can absolutely understand why some adoptive parents are very protective, and possibly not as laid back as they could be. I know that my parents were very loving, but equally very overprotective as I was born 3 months prematurely and was weaned off heroin, so I can see how that would make anyone feel terrified about their precious much-wanted child.

I agree that it's really lovely how the OP's DB and SILS are so excited. Let them be. This is a wonderful life changing time and they deserve to cherish it.

What good could you saying anything possibly do? Do you think they’re going to say "Oh dear, so there might be a lot more problems than we had realised, we won’t adopt the children after all"? Is that what you really want?

They are probably just putting on a positive front and keeping their fingers crossed. If they live in the UK they will have had an enormous amount of scrutiny and training.

Mind your own business. Of course, if they actually ask for help or advice that’s different.

People sometimes talk about the exciting things to soother their own fears. Many new parents now have never looked after a baby overnight and some have never even changed a nappy. Adoptive parents are better prepared than many new parents who wont have gone through the same process.

Try to support them as you would any other new parent. Be there to play with the toddler so they get time for a shower, take them a home cooked meal, buy them a book about toddler life.

Omg all those people who have fertility issues and are told "just adopt" and then go through all the rigor of adopting and are judged anyway!?

I have loads of friends who are going to have a huge shock when they have kids. I'm sure they will be great parents though.

I know someone who adopted a 2 yr old back in the late 60s. In those days, no consideration was taken of the child's feelings. (In those days, the adoption agency actually advertised 'hard to place' children in the newspapers. The child concerned actually now has the newspaper clipping with his advert.)

Their little boy had been with his foster parents almost since birth. When they took the little boy away from the adoption agency, I'm told that he cried the entire 100 mile car journey. He has no memory of it now.

Somehow, the foster parents got hold of their address. When the little boy was 7, they turned up at the adoptive parents home and begged to see the little boy.

As a grown man, he has a memory of them taking him for an ice cream and then back home. He didn't know who they were. They never saw him again.

I'm fairly certain that the trauma around his adoption has affected him, but he's never had counselling.

I hope that the adoption process nowadays includes follow-ups.

ETA Sorry - accidentally quoted.

It’s awful isn’t it. It’s like not being able to have your own children means you will be a crap parent of any kind.

There are so many children in the system who don't have loving and secure homes to go to and I think it's wonderful what they're doing and it's a shame you are being pessimistic about it. The likelihood is that they're able to offer a much better life than this child would have otherwise experienced.

It's also commendable and normal that they're adopting a toddler as there are only so many babies in the system and many older children end up permanently in children's homes (which are often not nice).

Yes it'll be hard but I'm sure they will have been briefed about potential challenges and prepped for this as part of the vetting.

I think a key point isn’t about their potential to be good or bad parents, it’s understanding that it isn’t the role of an already traumatised child to heal the pain of infertility. The preparation given to adopted parents is to try to prevent some of the unrealistic expectations. The excitement is completely understandable, but it needs to come with a realistic appreciation that it won’t all be instagram moments.

You do but given the child is already placed with the family prior to the adoption order being applied for they are often seen as a fait acompli by the social workers tasked with doing the assessment.

Zero replies from OP, interesting

Not really. The thread isn’t going their way, is it? I’m enjoying the discussion, though, personally.

But realistically lots of children adopted are adopted because of infertility. I think most adoption processes want you to have stopped trying for a while so you are not just jumping into adopting straight from infertility and have had time to process it. But any form of parenting isn't just Instagram moments and you can have birth children with issues as well. Surely adoptive parents will have had to go through such a stringent process that in lots of ways they are more prepared.

It just seems unfair that people who struggle to have biological children are told "just adopt" when it's a) (rightly) very tricky b) they are now being told oh your just doing it to heal from infertility.

That’s a patronising post. I think most would be adoptive parents do understand that, that adoption is not there to provide would be parents with a child a child but to provide a home for a child that needs one. Infertility doesn’t prevent you from understanding that,or from going into adoption with a realistic view of what’s involved. Infertility doesn’t make you stupid.

OPs on a very long school run! I wonder if the DCs are at Hogwarts or something?

This is how it was for my DH and me. We first enquired about adoption a couple of months after our failed IVF and were advised to wait around 6 months and have therapy. We did this and made our application a year later. I was expect that’s the advice they would give to anyone in those circumstances?

None of us really knows what we’re getting in for, do we? You don’t know when you are pregnant how good a sleeper your child will be, what SEN they will have if any, any illnesses/genetic conditions they will have. And although we don’t like to think about it, any of our children could have a life changing accident and we would need to become experts in something or other as we went along.

But do you think “rainbow babies” are expected to heal the pain of previous losses? I see that quite a bit.

In my experience most people who adopt aren’t prepared for what it actually entails.

it does sound as if they haven’t engaged very much with the training and learning, but unfortunately if they’ve been approved nothing you say will really impact it.

All I can think of is that you read and do as much as you can (books, tv shows, podcasts) and say you’re preparing for LO’s arrival and pass the stuff on. “Oh I heard a really good podcast about trauma in toddlers you should give it a listen.”

I do think most people will not agree with you on this thread, because most people do not understand the realities of adoption and that being adopted on traumatic. People see if as a solution to infertility and children being removed, but that’s not what it is.

In my experience, the people who see adoption as a solution to infertility are those who have never experienced infertility and have no knowledge of the adoption system.

So ‘most people who adopt aren’t prepared for what it actually entails’, and non-adopters equally don’t understand the reality of adoption? So how is it you’ve arrived at your position of unique understanding of it?

I think that arriving at parenthood via adoption and arriving at parenthood via biology are equal and similar in the sense that in neither case is it something you can rehearse or second-guess. Yes, the stakes are higher for an older child coming to a family via adoption, and parents who have had to demonstrate their fitness, and to declare for and commit to this specific child, but no one, however well-prepared, can be an immediately ideal parent to a small, scared, angry stranger.

Well, the OP hasn't been back, so

@BookBookBookBooki’ve arrived at my unique position due to years of experience. I train adopters, I work with birth parents, I support schools with being trauma-informed. I sit on a number of panels that consult on the strategic plans for policy nationally for adoption. On top of all of my professional experience, it is my lived experience. I am adopted, I have family members who have had children adopted, and I work on reunification. So I would say I do indeed, have a unique perspective.

There are so many issues with adopting training and vetting in the UK, including the fact that there is minimal national guidance and things vary region to region and differ between regional agencies and voluntary agencies. Least of all a standard of fitness. What one area deems as unfit, another area may approve.

I’d agree that no one would be Ideal parents immediately, but some will be vastly more prepared for the experience than others. This could be through training, lived experience, or just a general aptitude for parenting. Those who acknowledge that it is trauma -laden, are infinitely better positioned than those who think children are resilient.

Adoption is so unbelievably complex, and the UK model is derided worldwide as it is often adopter rather than adoptee focused. In many countries closed adoption (particularly from forced removals that we have in the UK) is banned entirely. Many people will say for example children come from backgrounds of abuse so should have no contact with their biological family, but lots of research contradicts that, and shows adoptions with supported and open communication between biological and adoptive families fair better.

I wasn't in the field for long, because I couldn't stomach the vogon type culture/groupthink, and the endemic arse covering that always trumped common sense (and everything else). Speaking about adoption in sweeping general terms, as you have, was another constant irritation; one size doesn't fit all, and adoption often isn't complex (or rather, it doesn't need to be).

My experience was that the pendulum swung too far (as is often the case) from the unideal 60's/70's days of don't even tell adopted children they're adopted, to present day, whereupon you must tell them at least twice a day. Forcing an emotional link (via contact) rather than the (what is actually, and only) required information link is an incredibly poorly thought out concept too. It might be apt in the case of older children, but for most adopted children, who've had contact obliged on them, it's a divisive disaster. Contact leaves birth parents in a (many) years long false reality too, hoping their birth child will 'return', which they most often don't (regardless of the impression contrived programs like long lost family give). For those who do reunite, it usually ends in tears.
Needless to say the parents I bump into now, for whom their adopted children are enjoying uni etc and generally thriving, are those who adopted an under 2 and were advised to ignore the groupthink and raise their child(ren) as though they were born to them.