AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

If it's UK it's a long process and all parents don't really have a clue what they are getting into.

But I will say it's probbaly a good thing they are excited.

Every new project my DP and lately IL have to warn us about or piss all over our chips - like we aren't allowed to get excited about things. They frame it as preparing us or being realistic but actaully it just saps at our enthusiasm and frankly that enthusiasm is often needed to get through the snags and the hard bits.

Honestly I think you’re being very unfair and I wonder whether you are a parent yourself here.

I have an 11 month old daughter and when I was pregnant I was terrified of SIDS, I was worried about how I would cope leaving the house on my own with a newborn, I was anxious about newborn sleep & breastfeeding, my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing these things together, coming up with plans and ideas for getting through those anxieties and hurdles. But would my BIL know about that? No. Because I didn’t share my deep worries and anxieties with everybody, so they would have all heard us saying how excited we were for our first family holiday that year, how I couldn’t wait for my first prosecco after birth or how we couldn’t wait to start baby classes.

Unless you live with them and are with them 24:7 you have absolutely no idea what is going on, and nor should you. Mind your own business.

I think you are right to be worried based on what you see. And if I were about to adopt, I'd want my extended family to think this way - you're already a protective tiger-auntie which is great, thinking about the child's best interests :-)

However. From what others are saying, they will have gone through a huge amount of preparation. On the balance of probabilities it sounds like they just aren't talking about it. Maybe they feel the need to 'sell' their choice to extended family rather than expose all the things that may be extra hard but without knowing them it's hard to speculate further.

Good luck to them and good luck to you. I don't think you're judgy, I think you're thinking of the best interests of a child. I guess bear in mind though there will be a lot you don't have sight of and in this case I suppose need to trust the process.

Parenting is a shock to anyone's system and it will be to theirs too!

Exactly.

A bit like every other new parents then , not knowing what they’re in for? did you kids came with an instruction manual? 1 month or 3 yrs old makes no difference if they have patience and love to give, the rest they’ll learn like all of us.
You sound mean and jealous, will the spot light move from you to them by any chance?

I think that's a bit harsh. She's thinking about the best interests of a child she will be related to. I worry about my nieces and nephews all the time, it's part of being a family isn't it.

I think you're right, she's probably missing info. But I don't think worrying is mean.

I don't see much out of the ordinary in anything you mentioned OP.
Of course they are very much focused on their work and hobbies, what would they be supposed to be focusing on? I had a child very late in life, having tried for decades. Filling my life with work and hobbies is what kept me and my DH alive and happy.
And now that I am a mother I look back and realized how clueless I was on the whole raising a child thing, but I also think this is the case for quite a lot of us surely.
Raising a toddler might be a shock to the system, but at least they are not coming from years of sleep deprivation ha ha.

Give them a chance and be supportive.

This is exactly what I was coming on to say. They really, really don’t let you adopt without a very thorough process

Agree and it’s so insanely intense I can’t believe they haven’t already been counselled through all of this.

I don’t read anything that stands out to me as a huge red flag, maybe naive, but that’s more likely your narrative than reality.

I think it’s fair to say most people’s first experience of parenting is actually being a parent and you just navigate that.

To be honest, even those of us who have biological children have absolutely no idea how much our lives will change upon their arrival. I think most of us think that the baby will fit in with us, it’s not going to stop us doing what we’ve always done etc etc. It isn’t something that you can learn before it happens.
They will obviously have different issues with an adopted child, attachment issues, separation anxiety and such, but the best thing you can do is support them, without judgement. It’s lovely that they are excited, parenthood is full of joy but is also sheer hard work, just help them where you can.

I think most new parents have never cared for another child overnight, I don't think that's unusual.
Also, I agree with the above poster, what do you think they should have been doing before children, apart from working and hobbies? Do you have something in mind for them to be doing?

It’s lovely that they are so excited and entirely normal to be so. They may be keeping their trepidation and concerns to themselves and focusing on the positives. Try to be as positive as them and as time goes on and problems (the normal everyday stuff and things possibly connected with the adoption/passed trauma) come up then you will be there to support them. Ultimately there is a displaced child about to get a home and family that wants them and is excited and thrilled to have them and you get a new niece or nephew. Wish them well and show them how pleased you are for them.

It sounds like you want them to mess it up.

you sound awful OP. you should distance yourself from them so they don’t have to tolerate you any longer.

You don’t sound supportive at all.

Let them learn to parent, the same as everyone else does and certainly don’t open your mouth to criticise.

Oh I hadn't thought of the abroad angle. I know people who adopted in the states and were totally horrified to be given a 'damaged' child (their words not mine) who had special needs. They absolutely wanted a refund. Awful.

You’re being unkind and judgemental. Most soon-to-be parents aren’t going on about the things they are worried about -
they express the excitement publicly and discuss reservations privately.

YABU.

You sound very smug and patronising. Did you know what you were in for when you had a DC? I presume you conceived naturally - your BiL & SiL don't have that privilege.

Your post is so lacking in empathy it's almost unbelievable. I hope you keep your judgemental self well away from them, and let them enjoy being parents.

Unnecessarily harsh. This is a real person who has posted for advice. What I've read is concern for the wellbeing of a child. Perhaps misguided or misinformed but not toxic.

You sound condescending to be honest OP.

You are not better qualified to parent just because you were fortunate enough to be able to have your own biological children. You are simply more experienced now. But you weren’t when you first had a child.

I doubt you were fully prepared for the reality of having a child, nobody is. Adoption is a very rigorous process and they are likely very well prepared.

Ah, maybe providing childcare for OP's children would have been the ideal opportunity to get this vital experience?

You sound bitter and unpleasant.

Your SIL and BIL will have gone through a long and rigorous application and vetting process before being allowed to adopt - unlike anyone who has a biological child.

Maybe it won't be as easy as they think - but so what? They'll adjust and find their way, just like any other parent does.

They don't just hand children to people who want one. I'd assume they're not sharing everything with you.

They can probably sense your judgement and are choosing to only share the positive thoughts with you.

I'm sure they will have been over all this throughout the adoption process