AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

I don't really agree with the OP but don't know the situation.

BUT equating adoption to having a child naturally is just not the same at all. Any adopted child will be traumatised, based on everything I've heard from friends who have adopted they need wayyyy more supportive and hands on parenting than non-adopted children.

So the fact that adoptive parents need to be extra more informed rather than just figuring it out as they go like birth parents is definitely a thing. I think the OP is likely missing that the family probably have done this preparation.

All of this.

I had absolutely no idea what I was in for when I gave birth to my first.

One of the things I did to prepare for parenthood was to make a reading list of books which would challenge me intellectually because I'd been warned about "baby brain" and I wanted to be prepared.

Why do you think you know about adopting than they do?

Everyone is clueless pre becoming an actual parent! We all were. They’ll get there. And FWIW my friends have just adopted, and it was a three year process, with an incredible amount of steps along the way, all built around the child’s comfort level.

Nobody is just handing them a kid and just walking away; there is a very structured team and process at every step, as far as I have gleaned anyway from my friends.

You’re being unreasonable. They’re excited to become parents. They’re excited for all the same stuff as every other parent before them has been.

I think you are overreacting. One of the first things I thought when I had my DD was to look for wonderful fabrics to sew her first communion gown, followed by if she was going to study a degree here or in other European country. I'm originally from continental Europe. LOL
Nerver the lese, she is six. I dont have the fabric yet and I cant care less of her degree yet because I only wants her to be happy.
I did not spoke with many people about the nights struggles and breastfeeding but I was happy as Larry to show them fabrics and dream about living in a continental capital with her meanwhile she were studying. Lol.

You don’t think that the parents themselves plus all of the many professionals who are involved in the incredibly detailed & length process of adoption are the ones best placed to worry about the interests of a child? You know… the people who do actually have all of the information?

Adopted kids go on holiday and do sports. There is nothing wrong with working hard. It's lovely that they're excited to welcome their child.

I can completely understand why they would be tight-lipped about any concerns around the judgemental know-it-all sister who has no adopted children of her own. You come across as very unpleasant OP, it would be better for you to work on your own flaws before fretting about other people.

Does any new parent really know what they are letting themselves in for?

they’ve been through the vetting process. Just be happy for them, and the child, and for the life of ALL THINGS HOLY do not say anything!

YABU most people who have babies don’t know what to expect/ have never looked after a baby overnight before.

Of course they are allowed to be excited and look forward to things. It doesn’t mean they don’t understand the struggles. I’m sure you would be complaining if they kept mentioning the negatives.

They have been assessed and verified as suitable adopters. They will be fine. They are speaking positively about the situation , that’s a good thing. It’s also highly probable they are actually unable to talk about anything else due to safeguarding.

Absolutely this! My grandson and partner are going through the adoption process at the moment and the hoops they have to jump through are unbelievable. It will take about 18 months to get a child, and they are not even ‘insisting’ on a baby, as they are happy with a child up to 6 years old, male or female. Even with that flexibility, it’s still taking for ever.
Yes, it’s frustrating and time-consuming, but they are happy to do it to get a child.
I sometimes think it would be good if every couple had to go through this before actually conceiving the traditional way!
incidentally, the whole family is excited about this, and very supportive, but no-one is interfering. The decisions are for the prospective parents to make.

Tbh it sounds like they’re not going to know what’s hit them when the child arrives. But neither do any new parents!

Just be supportive from the sidelines, that’s all you can do.

shock people without children are focussed on their careers and hobbies! Kind of feels like a given doesn’t it?

I think they are just trying to be positive and think about all the wonderful things they can do as a family, that’s nice isn’t it?

Also, I’d never looked after a child overnight before having my own children, the opportunity hadn’t arisen but we’re all still here to tell the tale!

The adoption process is brutal. They'll have been through the issues. Stay in your lane and be supportive

People have no idea what it’s like if you can’t conceive your own child. For IVF the amount of forms to fill and assessments is huge and for adopting it’s even more!

Mumsnet will back me up on this. You are a nasty person.

Yes, it'll be hard - and when they realise, you'll be there to help them through it, no?

Babies are easier than toddlers btw (mine were colic too) so I have no idea why you said " never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo"

I don't know their background but they're clearly serious about getting this child, and that deserves praise, support and thanks, nothing else

It's really none of your business, and I think you realise this.

Crazy! I’d never looked after a child overnight and the day after I gave birth the hospital let me take a newborn baby home with no checks on my ability to anything other than bathe it.

How sad that people knew the husband wasn’t ready but nobody was able to flag it to the social workers.

I have biological children and I didn't have a clue what I was in for. I don't think that's unusual. I also don't think it's unusual for people to talk about their hopes and the things they enjoy. They probably do have worries. They probably are just so grateful to have a child they aren't talking to everyone about every thing that will be difficult. They will get the full range of kid experiences soon enough. Keep your thoughts to yourself. What will condescendingly telling them all the negatives of their situation achieve? You must have come across those absolute pricks who only want to tell you about their traumatic births and sleepless nights when you are pregnant. You know how that makes you feel. Don't be the adoption version of that.

No one knows what it's really like until it happens to them.
Why don't you support them ? Hopefully they'll adapt. You sound awful OP.

It sounds like you aren't part of their circle tbh. I doubt they feel close enough to you for serious talks about their worries and as such you only manage to catch snippets of positive small talk.
I'd keep my nose out and look at why I felt the need to post this.

Yup - I think SIL and BIL know exactly what OP thinks and she isn’t part of their inner circle. Hence they aren’t sharing the more intimate details.