AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

I had similar with neighbours. Husband was late 40s, wife mid 40s. She worked for theatres in an artistic role. Lots of travel. He worked in finance. Couldn’t have children of their own. Adopted an 8yo girl from Rwanda (we are not in the UK). In the weeks and months before they went to collect her in Frankfurt, there was the odd thing they’d say here and there that would set off alarm bells. But I thought it was none of my business, these are two very smart people, surely they’ve been vetted etc (I don’t know anything about adoption).

Girl arrived, very sweet but quiet young thing. They got her into school straight away, and she seemed to settle well. After about a month or so I invited them over for tea (my DD was only a couple of years older at the time). Mum was away for work, dad brought her down. Children playing. He and I chatting about how things are going. He started asking me about sleepaway camp. For that summer (this was May). For three months. In another state. The mom would be away on a 6-month residency. He had lots of work travel coming up. They didn’t know what to do. To say I was shocked was an understatement. She was 8, had just arrived from Rwanda, had been there a month and now her responsible adults were going to send her to sleepaway camp for three months God knows where all alone. At 8yo.

We moved that summer, I’ve bumped into them occasionally. The child has grown well, she seems attached to them and they holiday together, do lots of activities together. But this couple’s idea of parenting was so different from my own I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I’ve no doubt she has all the things (including stability and safety) she hadn’t had before. But at what cost, I always asked myself. It would be difficult to decide what, of all her issues (and there will be plenty going by what the dad has told me over the years) is down to the what happened before her adoption, adoption, and her family life after adoption. My conclusion is that if parenting is hard, adoption must be so, so much harder.

The adoption process might be thorough, but certainly not perfect. My colleague adopted a few years ago. I was amazed she passed the adoption process as she had a plethora of health issues, including mental and physicaI that i thought would exclude her. Also know two separate families who adopted and went on to surrender the children back into the system a few years after.

It sounds awful doesn’t it as we don’t know OP. But you can tell she’s quite a judgemental person from her post and I would say maybe IRL she gives off that energy, I’m sure the majority do not goes into the gruelling adoption process without having worries or concerns. OP might of been judgemental in the past about other aspects so they keep her and DH out of it now

Generally, adoptees would be excited about everything you mention (going on holidays, taking to sports,etc) and that's what they will share with people around.

Imagine them talking only about attachment trauma and challenges...would you not be right here posting "they see only negatives, do they need this?"

Yes, indeed. It is a horrible situation to be in. I have been lucky in that I had no trouble conceiving. In fact, my husband said there were times when he thought I’d get pregnant if he removed his trousers, never mind anything else!
My grandson and partner have been put through it. I suppose it’s a good thing but maybe bits of the waiting time can be a bit more brutal than actually essential. They have even had to take time off work for relevant meetings and visits. Adoption is not for the faint-hearted.

Isn’t every new parent like this? Very few new parents have had a baby overnight, they are excited and don’t really consider the hard bits.
This is just the same and you sound like you want them to fail so are looking for holes to pick. They are excited as any new parents are regardless of how they got here

Would you be happier if they approached their forthcoming adoption with a dark sense of foreboding and dread, focussing on the child’s inevitable trauma and nothing else?

Wed never had a newborn overnight by ourselves before either btw - hospital was more than happy to let us take dc1 home with no preparation or checking up on us whatsoever 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu that poor baby has probably been forcibly removed from it's parents and God know what he/she has experienced.

The adoption process is quite in depth so I would hope that they've been prepared as much as they can be. Have they spoken to other adoptive parents? It would be good to get their insight. I've had a couple of friends who fostered and gave it up because they didn't anticipate all the problems that come with caring for children with complex emotional and behavioural difficulties. It may be that they are aware of the difficulties but are just being positive about it to you because they don't want to discuss their worries.

You’re not wrong OP. I do have an axe to grind here as an adoptee who experienced abuse and I am aware that my experience isn’t universal. But in my view there can never be too much preparation. An eighteen month process isn’t too long.

Pregnancy, birth and the early months start to prepare parents for the reality of child raising. Step by step parents learn that their PFB isn’t quite as perfect as they imagined and the wise ones adjust their expectations and laugh at how unrealistic they were.

Adoptive parents don’t get that gradual build up. Their perfect family image remains intact and deeply embedded. Then they are thrown in at the deep end, often with traumatised children with complex needs. They need every second of that preparation and support - and more besides.

I was adopted age 5 by a couple in their 40’s who hadn’t been able to have their own children but had retained their vision of how perfect it would all be. I was meant to be their happily ever after.

It meant we were set up to fail. I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t meet their knitting catalogue picture of a beautiful well behaved child. They failed - despite good intentions - because they couldn’t cope with me not living up to expectations. They couldn’t understand why hitting me didn’t improve my (very normal childhood) behaviour and we were all miserable.

I can only hope your BIL & SIL do have the support they need and are able to wise up fast.

I really hope it goes well for all involved. Obviously we don't know your in-laws and it may be they are trying to be positive publicly. Hopefully they will have done a lot of background work around the impact of trauma. Perhaps you could ask them more about it and see what they have already covered which might reassure you a little.

I do know someone who had a failed adoption. Someone I worked with, and a friend of mine was their neighbour and had tried to support them. It was awful how unprepared they seemed to be for the behaviour the children would display. Lots of defiance and things like taking clothes off on the way to school to delay going in - adoptive parents just wrapped them in a blanket and carried them into school. Presumably thinking the child would learn that the parent 'means business'.They organised a birthday pool party for the 7 year old - the child almost drowned as they had never taken her swimming before and she couldn't swim. Not really knowing how to give them any kind of proper routine and calling my friend to help a lot. Eventually they asked the social worker to remove them. A few hours later they invited my friend round for drinks and a BBQ to 'celebrate'. It felt like the children's departure had been a relief with little consideration for the devastation on the children.
Obviously I hope this doesn't happen in your family, but unfortunately failed adoption does happen.

As someone who considered adoption and has long desired for a child, I usually don't like people saying 'none of your business', but in this case, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I am sure that LO will be loved, they won't be perfect parents, but you are not either.

Sounds to me like they haven’t opened up about any of this stuff to you because they have - quite rightly - sensed that you’re not friends beyond being related. What do you expect them to do? Every time they say they’re looking forward to it, counter it with a comment about how the child may be very challenging to raise or have severe trauma? I tell people and relatives I’m not that close to that motherhood is wonderful but I don’t go into the tears I’ve cried at certain points. Especially if I know they’re nosy/critical/gossips.

There’s not a chance they don’t know all this to have got to this point in the process. Good luck to them. They are doing something amazing.

Do not mention any of this to them. What business have you telling them they aren't ready???? I hate people who have a few children and think they know absolutely everything there is to know about parenting! Of course they are going to be excited, it would be weird if they weren't. I'm sure there are internal worries they share privately but don't need to or want to voice to the world.

Yes, I imagine they’re consciously being positive about it, aware that there’s an extra layer of scrutiny on parents who adopt. Sometimes people can’t win. If they were realistic and candid, some would worry they’re not going to be positive enough.

All the people saying 'oh but I'd never looked after a child before I had mine, why should it be an issue for adoptive parents' , thank you for the intent, I appreciate you treating adoptive parents as equals, but actually it is quite a lot different. There's a good reason why in the UK you will struggle to get approved as an adopter without at least some childcare experience. Some social workers are incredibly stringent and won't let qualified childcare professionals or teachers pass that requirement without gaining broader experience ideally with the age range of child you're hoping to adopt. What I'm about to say is not to minimise the experience and struggles of first time biological parents, I know it's incredibly hard in its own way, the physical impact of pregnancy and giving birth, hormones, breastfeeding and so on but there's a world of difference from bringing home a tiny, helpless baby who's physical and emotional needs are at least fairly easy to understand and where (all being well) all your natural hormones and emotional instincts are guiding you to love and protect the child, where at least half the couple has had 9 months to build a bond with the child, and where the sounds, smells etc of the mother are familiar and a comfort to the baby, than adopting someone else's toddler who you likely won't love or perhaps even like much or have much of a bond with, where you probably have met them a few times max, where they have complicated and unfamiliar preferences and needs regarding routine, food, sleep, bathing etc all based off someone else's routines and expectations, and where they are quite capable and likely to physically/verbally reject you and your care and run away, scream, bite, throw things etc. That's before you consider all the emotional turmoil everyone will be going through particularly the child. And I know not everyone gets this but it's socially quite normal for families and friends to rally around to help care for a newborn, hold the baby, bath the baby, change their nappy etc, and to be able to help teach the parents what to do if they're unsure. Whereas with an adoptive child you are quite strongly encouraged not to let anyone else physically care for them (because otherwise they can get confused if they've experienced multiple carer changes) and to 'funnel' i.e. limit interactions outside the nuclear family to build attachment.

All of this means it really is a good idea to try and understand as much as possible beforehand what you're letting yourself in for and get as much childcare experience and knowledge if you're going to adopt, rather than muddling through as you go like you would with a biological child and why some social workers can go a bit OTT in their expectations. That being said its not usually an expectation that people care for children overnight (not everyone has family/friends with children of an appropriate age that they can babysit) and like others have pointed out there are social workers that are very lax and may wave people through without enough experience but that doesn't mean it's not a valid concern.

Perhaps they don’t want to focus on the challenges that they will probably be aware of.
but even with biological children can come different challenges but it’s normal to feel excited and look at all the good things to come.
or they maybe just don’t want to talk about certain aspects with other people. That’s ok too.
when I was pregnant my DH kept reminding me of the financial struggles to come and I didn’t want to talk about because talking about it would make no difference other than worry me. So I just focus led on the positive (and we are nearly at funded nursery hours hooray!)

I’m pretty sure that in the UK the process involves social workers talking to family members. Did they talk to you OP?

Well, if they aren't prepared, they'll be in for a rough period of adjustment, but that doesn't mean it can't work out for them and the child they're adopting. You may not be able to help having an opinion, but you should continue to keep it to yourself.

Bloody hell, OP, you are being incredibly unreasonable.

To have got through the vetting process, they will have to have properly informed themselves, and will know much more about it than you do.

Perhaps they just don't share their innermost thoughts about the adoption with you, because you're interfering and judgemental.

If they've been through the long process of getting approved for adoption, potentially after a long process of trying and failing to have their own biological children, they have been waiting for this moment for a very long time. Of course they've been focusing on their careers and hobbies! What else would you expect them to do during those years? Go part time and spend two days a week decorating the nursery, washing and folding baby clothes and reading parenting books in the hope that it would one day come in useful?

Jeez.

They will have been closely scrutinised and jumped through hoops so should have a good idea of the score, though nobody really knows until they experience it. People don't discuss all, op, even with those closest to them, they want to present themselves to you as confident and happy.

You just have to accept it as it is. They will probably be fine, wait and see.

Before you had your children did you talk about all the prospective sleepless nights, feeding issues, post partum blues, potty training? I didn’t. You talk about your worries to you partner, and keep the light stuff for friends and family. What’s wrong with looking forward to taking your child on holiday. Sounds much healthier starting out on an optimistic note, rather than doom and gloom. I am sure they’re thoroughly prepared.

You seem very unsupportive.

It's not just adoptive parents who can be clueless- my DH def declared things like our lives wouldn't change and he'd just pop a nappy in his pocket and off we'd go.

It didn't take long for him to be able to laugh at that very thought-
(an early trip to IKEA when we had so much baby paraphernalia that there was very little room in the car to actually buy anything was a real eye opener) 😂

When DH and I went through the process to adopt there was lots of trauma discussion which we knew about anyway due to various circumstances in our own family lives and the social workers made us aware it wasn’t going to be a pleasant parenting journey, it was about the traumatised child and parenting in a way that could help them settle into a healthy family dynamic. We were also constantly reminded the potential child placed with us will likely have additional needs due to most parents of removed children having mh/send/addiction issues. I actually fell pregnant during the process so stopped it, but in no way did our SW even make it seem as though we would have been just parents, we’d have been trauma specialist parents.
Maybe SiL and BiL don’t want to only discuss the negatives? Maybe they need to feel some joy will arise with the massive commitment

This!

They’ve not had children so why wouldn’t they be career focused up until now?

I’d keep well away from them, you clearly think l you’re a better parent than they’re going to be.