AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

I know of a couple who adopted a little girl and the adoption failed and they ended up giving her back. Apparently because she didn't get on with their biological child. I was shocked that they hadn't considered there might be issues such as this and that they gave up on her. Poor child. I hope she's ok

@RegularBandicoot you’re not on the adoption panel so your thoughts are irrelevant.

This is a really good point. Lots of bio parents go into it and then are thrown loads of curve balls - health issues, emotional issues, disabilities.

I think you should butt out and do not for one second rain on their parade!

They will have been through so much to get to this point. They will figure things out as they go along, same as you did! None of us were born with an innate knowledge of being a parent!

Totally agree with this.

You sound snide, OP. I'm not surprised that you're not privy to their feelings about this incredibly sensitive issue. I hope they continue to keep you well out of the loop, you'd probably only post about it here. Ugh.

I'm not at all surprised that you've name-changed though; can't risk your other persona being judged for this horrible thread, can you? Cowardly.

From friends who have been through the adoption vetting process, both successfully and not, it's a long tough process.
They won't be unaware of the challenges - maybe they just prefer not to discuss them with you?

Probably better prepared than many bio parents.
I wish them well, even if the OP doesn't

I have always thought that adoption was literally saving a child's life - taking them literally from a hellhole - is it not? In that case, who cares they have not thought things through - they are committing a heroic deed in many people's eyes and as such they are not selfish. Surely they are not stupid and realise that a child will put an end to their selfish pursuits, that they will have to put the child's needs first? Or do you think they will dump it back from where they took it? Is that your concern? If yes, than it is a huge problem and you are right to be concerned, if it is not even a remote possibility, then the rest is literally nothing compared to this wonderful thing they are doing.

I was going to suggest that op focuses more positively on enquiring how adoption services will support them post-adoption. Things like mental health support in light of likely attachment disorder and trauma, diagnosis for neurodivergence as the child gets older etc. My experience is that support falls away pretty quickly, leaving adoptive parents on their own. So in some ways I read the op and did a massive eye roll (because it sounds gossipy and full of assumptions) but in other ways, it is spot on - the reality is that adoption is challenging and many aren't prepared for it. That's not to be negative, it's just fact. But rather than focus on the perceived shortcomings of the parents, better to focus on what kind of access to additional support they may (or may not) have in the future.

I know one couple who adopted. How the fuck they managed it I have no idea. I only know them in a professional capacity but that's enough to make me question the process of being selected. Seems nice house, cars and money in the bank top personality.

International adoption is an entirely different ball game, it is highly controversial and in no way compares to the situation described by the OP.

This.

Sorry but what do you think they have done - just opened an app and ordered a child like a Deliveroo? That’s not how it works. The adoption process is a long, gruelling, emotional rollercoaster. They would have have many different people speaking and advising them. Don’t be ridiculous.

No one realt knows what to expect when they become a parent for the first time
however it happens.

It sounds like your BIL and SIL have the same excitement, hopes and dreams as anyone else about to welcome a child.

Let them enjoy it.

I think you still need to be vetted by an adoption agency/LA to adopt internationally, and you have to pay for it yourself,

Perhaps they don’t want to focus on the challenges that they will probably be aware of.
but even with biological children can come different challenges but it’s normal to feel excited and look at all the good things to come.

I suspect it's this.

Though do know three adoptive families and yes it does look a lot harder than most parenting - but I be more worried if they were not excited didn't have things they were looking forward to. There's more than a few things I was looking foward to which I hated and others that I never though of that I loved. I expect with time like all parents their priorities will change and they will adapt to their kids and what their needs turn out to be and like most parents the learning curve may well be a steep one.

Totally get where you are coming from and obviously with your extensive experience of adoption than you know best. Oh wait, there's no mention of that in your post so you most likely don't. Plus there is quite a thorough adoption process to be followed, it's not as if they just put their names down on a waiting list. Maybe they don't want to go into the finer points of it all with you and lm sure have their own research informed plan, rather than detailing it with Miss Judgey.

Err this. No one truly knows what it's going to be like before you have children.

I think you are coming across very judgemental here. Most new parents have not looked after a child over night and are sent home from hospital with a tiny baby to care for!
The adoption process is intense and also very rigorous. They will know all about trauma and will have been heavily vetted for suitability. They are clearly chosing to focus on their excitement at becoming parents rather than focussing about the complexities and potential issues that may come up. I also imagine how they are talking to freinds and family may be different to how they are discussing it within their relationship- which is totally normal!
They have been through a lot to get here and they deserve to feel some excitement and happiness so leave them too it!

The adoption process isn't easy and they must have been matched to the child so I can't imagine that they won't be aware of the reality of adoption. Perhaps they are downplaying it when they talk to you

Out of interest, OP, whose approval did you seek before getting pregnant?

YABU.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home”
Almost all parents say exactly this!!

which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? \
and this bit - parents have kids because parents want them, they also don’t actually think about their child’s feelings of being forced out into this world. It’s all about the wants of the parents.

Ah yes. As an adoptee I should be grateful for the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my “heroic” adoptive parents.

Most parents, both biological and adoptive have children for reasons which if examined honestly, are quite selfish. I’m fine with this as it helps the human race to continue, but I sincerely hope that social workers are able to weed out prospective adopters with a hero complex.

See it's really sweet you think this way, but no. Adopting isn't heroic, really. There is in fact a substantial over-supply of adoptive parents compared to children needing to be adopted (particularly 'straight-forward' babies or young toddlers without known disabilities or SN. There are some shortages of adopters able to take on older children, those with significant SN and from some minority cultural/religious/ethnic backgrounds). So while yes that child may have been through a huge amount you aren't literally rescuing them from a hellhole, by the time they are 'placed' with adopters any rescuing has long been done, they've normally been with very skilled, loving foster parents for some months or even years by that point (foster parents are more heroic IMO). Adopters going into the process purely altursically, with the intention of 'saving' a child are rightly looked on with suspicion by social workers because it can set up really unhelpful expectations of gratitude from the child, saviour/victim dynamic, demonisation of the birth parents (with subsequent identity issues for the child) and all sorts of other emotional problems. Plus I think there's been a social and legal work move away from the strategy to get as many children as possible adopted and an increasing realization that even if children can't safely be cared for within their birth family adoption is not always the right thing, it's not a hellhole awful/adoption perfect assessment, there may be significant advantages in staying in foster care or extended family care.

It's perfectly possible, nay likely that this couple's main motivations are selfish, i.e. mainly they want to be parents. If all you want to do is help vulnerable kids there are better ways to do that than adopting. Besides very few people are alturistic and heroic enough to give up most of their lives for 18 years or more to be parents without at least getting some pleasure and satisfaction back, i.e. The pure joy and love of parenthood. I guess what OP is concerned about is whether this couple have maybe either overestimated the upsides of parenthood or underestimated the downsides?

Adopter here. You are right, but realistically it will play out in one of two ways:

• They will soon learn they're wrong and will adapt (become trauma informed, learn how to parent therapeutically etc.)
• They will soon learn they're wrong and the adoption will break down (hopefully not this option!)

They will have been through the assessment process but it is very possible to go through that process and think "yeah but this stuff won't be relevant for my kid...", or if you're an intelligent person, just figure out what social workers want to hear and tell them that. In terms of what you can do, beating them with a stick right now won't help. They will learn the hard way and there is not much you can do to stop that. When LO moves in, don't overwhelm them, and maybe relay this to family too. We didn't introduce family for over a month, because it is v overwhelming for the child. You can help by checking in e.g. via text, providing a listening ear, providing pre-cooked meals for them to heat up (super useful because it's exhausting and you rarely have time to cook), providing other practical support that they say they want. Oh and also reading up to become trauma-informed yourself. I recommend Sally Donovan's books (No Matter What is a good starting point and quite accessible). Hope this is useful, and hope it all goes well with your new nephew/niece!