AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

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Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

Maybe they don’t want to come across as negative when they’re talking about it? I’m sure the trauma etc has been discussed with social workers.

Also, I foster, so slightly different but my long term placement of two brothers have definitely enjoyed going on holiday and joining clubs.

it’s best to go with the flow and take the child as they are. Some will have problems with ‘normal’ life but others won’t.

Ultimately this is going to be their child. And it’s up to social workers and a panel of experts to decide if they’re ready for it or not. Stay out of it. If you have children I’m sure you wouldn’t have taken kindly to anyone suggesting you weren’t prepared for them before you had them.

I have 2 sets of friends who have adopted (in the UK) the process is very intense, took years and involved so much thinking/questioning about their own situation, their family backgrounds, their relationships, their emotional health and stability just so much more than I ever had to think about when my DH and I decided to start a family. For that reason I think you may be being unfair.

I think the question you are really asking is: can anyone help me understand why, as someone who is inclined to be judgmental, do my not very close relatives only chose to share superficial and positive information with me and not the kind of in depth and personal details I need to properly assess and conclude on their life choices?

There is no way they will have got through the approvals and all the panels being clueless. They are probably just being private. "Selfish and focusing on your career and hobbies" is also the only thing you can do if you find you can't get pregnant naturally. What would have proved otherwise to you?

It bodes well that they're so excited, and actually it's quite nice to treat an adopted child like a normal child, not someone who is different, or other, or more special than other child. Obviously with an awareness of that child's background and issues.
We were adopted, and actually the feeling of being treated with kid gloves, tiptoed around and regarded and analysed was not nice, it was a very uptight household. Their excitement is lovely, and even biological parents don't know exactly what it's like to be a a parent before the baby arrives. I feel a really choked up reading this. Adopting us just seemed like a massive stress and burden, but they're excited.

Most people don’t know what they are in for when it comes to parenthood.

Are they the type to confide about worries? IME many people don’t share their fears (even to counsellors, medical staff etc) as they worry it makes them look like bad parents so cover up with positive stuff like the holiday and sports story. If they said stuff like they worried about their child not bonding with them, they may also worry that people would try and talk them out of the adoption too.

It’s not unreasonable to have fantasies of future milestones like seeing you child score a goal or seeing them sleep in the bedroom that you’ve decorated. My kids are adults and I sometimes have those moments.

Being excited about what’s to come doesn’t mean they aren’t going to help the child settle. What a ridiculous thing to say.

My sister and I were both adopted as babies, obviously neither of us have memories of being with our respective biological families.

We both have dealt with abandonment issues and attachment issues.

The emotions surrounding adoption are incredibly complex and I would imagine this would be even worse for a toddler vs a baby.

It is okay to be excited, but not to understand that adoption is trauma is ignorant.

I fully believe adoption is necessary and the best thing in many situations... Being adopted is preferable to staying with the biological parent/s.

That doesn't mean that it is all instafamily perfection.

Everyone is clueless before children, it means nothing, you’re thrown in the deep end and you sink or swim. Let them be excited, and then let them start their big new journey without being judged

I think they'll learn as they go along. They may have an idealised view of parenthood now (I think we all do before we have kids to be honest) but they'll deal with issues as they arise. What else can they do?

If they have gone through the adoption process in the UK and been approved, they will be very aware of the specific challenges adoption brings with it. They likely dont want to share this with you as you sound like the kind of person who might just take joy in other people’s challenges and look to bring people down rather than support them. Get down off your high horse and them be excited. Unless you have been through it yourself you have absolutely no idea what they have been through.

You're making it sound like they're treating it like casually/irresponsibly adopting a puppy, but we all know they've gone through a lot to get to this point.

I suspect what they're saying to you/others is not a true reflection of all their thoughts and feelings, and rightly so. They're not exactly going to verbalise all the normal worries and what ifs to all and sundry - especially if you're this judgemental IRL!

You can be happy and excited at the same time as having apprehension of the unknown. The latter will attract judgement when they've made the choice to adopt. It's not wise to express any hesitations or concerns to family and friends right before it happens, because it looks like you're not committed, even if you are!

Are your DC the only Grandchildren in that side of the family?
Do you quite enjoy that?

They sound like any excited first time parents. We're all clueless until we have our first.

Adding to my comment… why don’t you reach out to SIL and offer to meet up for a coffee and tell her you’re there to support her and her DH? And maybe she’ll open up to you, you can try and be there for her rather than judging from the sidelines

People on this thread definitely are assuming the adoption is happening in the UK. Elsewhere in the world it is very possible to adopt without having such a thorough understanding of trauma and attachment theory and so on as is the norm for us. Or it's entirely plausible that the BIL and SIL do know all about these things but are taking a positive, optimistic, forward looking approach to the challenges that undoubtedly they'll face, at least in how they speak to the wider family (might be different amongst themselves). Not everyone/everything has to be hand wringing and doom and gloom, of course no-one knows what lies ahead. Lots of adopted children do have very significant problems both settling with their adoptive family and throughout childhood and beyond, and of course many adoptive parents find it hard, harder than they ever bargained for perhaps but that doesn't mean they're not allowed to be positive, enjoy parenthood overall and/or enjoy things like doing sports together even if other areas are more of a struggle.

They probably do have information about the history of the child they're going to adopt and what they've been through for instance (if in the UK they will), the child may have been through some horrific stuff but one of the hard things about adoption is knowing how much of that to share, even with nearest and dearest, it's the child's own story to tell at the end of the day and you absolutely don't want to be constantly marking them out as different by going on about adoption issues all the time, but then again it can feel dishonest and fake not to. I think I'd tread carefully and take the lead from them OP, if they just want to talk naively about sports or whatever then I'd go along with it. They may want to share more with you or get more support from you further down the line but it's all early days and uncertainty right now so I think you just have to try and restrain yourself for now...

I suspect that they are more ready than the average parent to be, who is also excited about bringing a baby home with absolutely no appreciation for how their life is about to be turned upside down.

At least adoptive parents will have had lots of vetting and preparatory meetings before their new child arrives. It might be more difficult than a newborn, but no one can ever be really ready for their first child.

Honestly, they sound absolutely thrilled, which is more than can be said for some biological parents. It will no doubt be tough at times but it's not helpful to agonise in advance. I would say don't rain on their parade!

The UK adoption process is vigorous and they will be provided alot more support and information than non-adoptive parents.

The positive things they are looking forward to are what all parents look forward to arent they? We all don't really know how much our life is going to change until it does, we all face different challenges but I personally wouldn't have focused on those when waiting for the arrival of any of my children.

I'm guessing from the comments of 'finally be parents' they have waited along time and been through alot to get to this point. Of course they are going to focus on the positives and not the potentially issues they will have to overcome.

My friends went into the adoption process. One is a child psychologist who works with young offenders, including those who have committed very serious crimes. They pulled out of adopting as they felt they wouldn’t be able to handle it; the social workers were very, very clear that it would be very challenging. My cousin adopted and had to consider every single element of how she and her partner would parent beforehand. They were challenged on every assumption. It was gruelling.

Its absolutely awful you want to piss on their chips over this. Try and be happy for them amd if you can't.
mind your bloody own.

Maybe they are just openly talking about the positives and want it to be exciting when talking to others, but keep their worries and real feelings between them 🤷‍♀️

Maybe they don’t trust telling you how they really feel 🤷‍♀️

My understanding is adoption is a very long and thorough process, if they weren’t suitable there are experts trained to spot this.

Honestly, I think this happens more than people realise. Many adopters go into this without their eyes wide open. Yes, there are lots of hoops to jump though and it is a long process but the realities are so different.

I would suggest they do more research and training on trauma, particularly the type of trauma related to the child they are adopting as all children who are adopted have different levels and types of trauma.

It is understandable to be excited about holidays and sports etc I wouldn't worry too much about that. They will have a transition period and they will soon find out LO likes and dislikes and hopefully utilise the knowledge of the foster carer. Also the adoption worker will be visiting them for a good while to make sure all is OK and will guide them and what's best for LO, especially until the final adoption order is granted which can take a while (at the moment seems between 8-12 months post placement).

YANBU to be worried because whilst the adoption process is tough, I've seen people pass who are absolutely clueless and additionally the amount of adoptions breakdowns is on the rise.

They may not take kindly to you giving advise though and hopefully when the transition starts they will realise how hard it will actually be but won't give up and in the end it will work out. There's some great adoption groups on Facebook that they should consider joining and reading info on there.

How often had you looked after a child overnight before you had your own OP?

I completely agree. We have two adopted boys & our training was fantastic & prepared us as much as possible for dealing with the issues that may arise. Unfortunately some of my friends training was woefully inadequate & both parents & children have suffered massively. One ended up having to disrupt the adoption due to the husband not being ready. It was obvious to all of us during the whole process that he was not fully committed but he still managed to 'fool' his social work team.
Context is key here. If the couple are talking about going on holiday in the future then of course they should feel excited about that. If they are thinking of taking the child away before they are settled as a family then that's very selfish & ignorant of professional advice & could have a lasting impact.