Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

Yes

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

I honestly think that if he wants to stay home on that day you should let him. Why wouldn’t you?

I would send him in - would you take a day off work for the anniversary? I suspect most would not.

Oh definitely leave him take it off. We remember these kindnesses and concessions from our parents ❤️

I would have a chat to him about how he's feeling and why the day off would help. Maybe he's still grieving or maybe it's something else.

The attendance/day doesn't matter it's why he feels he needs to be off and at home that is important.

I lost my dad a few years ago. I still want to hide on certain days

I would. A friend takes her daughter to the beach every year on her husband's and her daughter dads death with full permission of the school...they write his name on the sand and think about him. He had a horrible death from cancer. I see it as a supportive school and mum.

It is the third anniversary of a young child's loss of their dad.

100% support him in dealing with his grief. He has asked for the day off for something very important.

I think Winston's Wish might help you support him here.

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Honestly I'd let him have it off,I'm an adult & lost my mom 3 years ago & the grief is ever present,esp around the time she died. Its 1 day & if you explain it as you have this day & why,it's not something you do constantly & if he wants it every year we'll unless it's interfering with something important such as exams etc well why is it such an issue esp when attendance is so good.

I’m torn.

If he wants to spend the day gaming, no.

If he wants to do something meaningful with you, remembering his dad, OK.

Are you setting a precedent of expected mourning on that date by doing this. He would be far better at school with his friends being distracted

He lost his dad at such a young age I would let him have the one day off without a doubt. If if it’s one day a year does that really matter?

I say that as someone who works in a school and who very much thinks attendance matters but mental wellbeing matters more.

Send him in. I understand where he is coming from but he needs to not let the day define his memory of his Dad. You can mark it by a special meal or coffee and cake later school but he needs to know that this doesn't stop his day to day life.

This approach goes against advice from grief experts.

Marking anniversaries is known to be a healthy thing to do.

I would ask him what he wants to do instead that day ... And then decide (eg go to plant some trees Vs gaming). I would also gently suggest he might want to have a 'dad day' on his dad's birthday rather than the anniversary of his death. And finally, a reminder, when our parent dies it's not unusual to think of them every day and a focus day may become less important.

I take a day off for the anniversary of my DMs death and this year it’s 5 years. He’s still so young to be coping with this, I would let him.

I would absolutely let him have it off , does it really matter if it turns into a yearly tradition ? If his attendance is other wise good then I think it’s perfectly acceptable and understandable.

You could compromise - pick him up after afternoon register (so attendance not affected) and go somewhere special.
I'd talk to his teacher or the Head and sound them out - or ring the children's charity to talk it through.

He’s 12 years old! Whatever happened to a bit of kindness and compassion?

https://winstonswish.org/coping-with-anniversaries-when-bereaved/#:~:text=Set%20aside%20a%20special%20place,a%20few%20moments%20to%20remember. This advice from winstons wish may be helpful for you both.

for some reason the link seems to go to halfway down the article so you will have to scroll up!

Of course I would.

@Noideawhatimdoing40
As you can see from this thread asking the general public won't give a clear steer.

What do you believe about feelings generally? Have you had any support in supporting him, and what are you planning for the day yourself?

Yes, he should be allowed to take that day off. If he spends it stupidly this year (although who says that gaming is a bad way to deal with a difficult day?) you can always reconsider next year.

Adults get mental health days too if they so wish!

Let him stay off. It’s only 3 yrs. my dad died 6 yrs ago and I’m still a mess on his anniversary. He will thank you for it if not now but when he’s older.