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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Day off for dads death

469 replies

Noideawhatimdoing40 · 26/03/2025 07:36

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

OP posts:
anicecuppateaa · 26/03/2025 08:11

To the people saying send him in, have you been in this situation?

I’m a mid 30s adult and take the day off work every year on the anniversary of dd’s death. I wouldn’t want to pretend to be normal on that day and I see this as the same. In fact, I don’t understand why this is even being questioned.

OP, please let him stay at home.

EmpressaurusKitty · 26/03/2025 08:11

It’s the second anniversary of my mum’s death in May & I’ve booked the day off. I’m planning a long walk somewhere.

I think your son should be allowed. I’m very sorry for your loss too. Would it help you both to do something together?

ShortAndIntense · 26/03/2025 08:11

Definitely let him have the day off. My dad died in 2013 when I was 19 and my brother was 11 and the anniversary of his death is still never easy. There’s no harm in letting him have the day off. He’ll thank you for it in the future. I think he’s being very self aware and brave by asking for the day off if he needs it. Don’t force him to go to school.

Mydogisamassivetwat · 26/03/2025 08:11

Yes, he’s a child. “Would you have the day off work” - no, I’m an adult. We are taking about a child who has lost a parent.

My mum died when I was 11. She died on the Friday, I was sent to school on the Monday. I even got in trouble for not doing the homework that had been set on the Friday. No one gave a shit about me.

Let him have the day to remember his dad. The world went the other way with me and it fucked me up.

Chaseandstatus · 26/03/2025 08:11

Fuck sake some people are so clueless! Of course let him have the day off, it’s what he has told you he needs.

I was a toddler when my mum died and I spend each anniversary doing something specific. If you don’t have enough memories of your parent then you can’t just quietly remember them inbetween lessons to honour them. You need more of a structure.

Viviennemary · 26/03/2025 08:12

MellowPinkDeer · 26/03/2025 07:37

I honestly think that if he wants to stay home on that day you should let him. Why wouldn’t you?

I agree. He should be allowed to stay at home.

BoredZelda · 26/03/2025 08:12

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

oh FFS. It’s one day.

Sinkintotheswamp · 26/03/2025 08:12

Is it his first at secondary school? I imagine that's harder.

ShortAndIntense · 26/03/2025 08:13

I strongly suspect that the people on here saying “send him to school” have never experienced the loss of a parent at an unnatural and early age.

Zanatdy · 26/03/2025 08:13

I’d say yes. It’s 1 day, it won’t hurt.

FolkloreEvermore1989 · 26/03/2025 08:14

Today would be my Dad’s 60th birthday. In three weeks it’s the ten year anniversary of his death.

Please let your son take the time he needs to remember his Dad. Or just ignore the world for the day. Whatever he needs.

One day does not make a pattern of every year. One year he might prefer to be busy and distracted but, for now, he’s asked you for the time and I think you should give it to him. It shows that you respect how he’s choosing to mourn, which is so important in processing grief.

Take care of yourself too. 3 years is still so recent. ❤️❤️

farmlife2 · 26/03/2025 08:14

I don't agree with those who say he shouldn't spend the day gaming. Maybe that's how he will deal, by distracting his mind with something else?

I've just been through an anniversary and I made sure I was busy. Gaming means you can shift your mind elsewhere.

BoredZelda · 26/03/2025 08:15

ScentOfAMoomin · 26/03/2025 07:38

I would send him in - would you take a day off work for the anniversary? I suspect most would not.

It doesn’t matter what most would do, it matters what he wants to do.

playingfortimeandpeace · 26/03/2025 08:16

Definitely let him have the day off, and it doesn’t matter if it turns into a yearly tradition

butterflycr · 26/03/2025 08:16

Yes I'd let him. He has full attendance, it's not like he's taking the mick. He's grieving, you should support him.

Mydogisamassivetwat · 26/03/2025 08:16

ShortAndIntense · 26/03/2025 08:13

I strongly suspect that the people on here saying “send him to school” have never experienced the loss of a parent at an unnatural and early age.

Exactly. Although some people clearly lack empathy, comparing it to an adult talking a day off work. Losing a parent as a child shapes your life,

notacooldad · 26/03/2025 08:17

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year
What's wrong with that?
Yes I would allow him the day.

LolaLouise · 26/03/2025 08:18

farmlife2 · 26/03/2025 08:14

I don't agree with those who say he shouldn't spend the day gaming. Maybe that's how he will deal, by distracting his mind with something else?

I've just been through an anniversary and I made sure I was busy. Gaming means you can shift your mind elsewhere.

This. Give him the day off to spend however he wants. If its on his own, gaming, where he can be sad and work through emotions and memories without being in a class full of teenagers then absolutely let him do that. I book significant days off work now as an adult, hes completely allowed to have that day to spend exactly how he wishes.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 26/03/2025 08:18

Let him take the day off but do something special to mark it

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 26/03/2025 08:19

Allow it.

BogRollBOGOF · 26/03/2025 08:19

I went to school as usual and the cemetary after school, so a mixture of routine and some space for memorial.

30+ years later it hits differently each year. The 30th anniversary was a harder year due to round number, other recent bereavements and one of my children being at the same transition point that I was at when it happened.

The date fell in exam season, and my career meant that a day off for ever more couldn't have happened.

Memorial time is important, but routine can also be important too.

NotAWandererAnyLonger · 26/03/2025 08:19

How was he on the anniversary last year?

Is he worried about breaking down at school and being teased? Or lashing out and getting in trouble?

Is he Year 7 or Year 8? For me that makes a difference as Year 7 he's still getting to know his peers and the school and maybe doesn't quite have the confidence in his support network yet.

I think I would suggest playing it by ear and seeing how he is on the morning/night before, and in the meantime contact his pastoral team to explain to them what's going on.

My gut feeling would be to encourage him to go in. If he dislikes school generally (I'd also want to investigate why) what will you do next time he says he feels upset about his dad? Another day off? And another?

I would however let the pastoral/welfare teams know (but not your DS) that you're happy to pick him up at any time if needed.

siucra · 26/03/2025 08:19

Please let him take the day off! He's dealing with a life-altering went which will affect his entire life. He needs the day off to remember his dad. Go and do something special - go somewhere he and his Dad loved. Go for brunch or the the cinema. Take care of him, the poor thing xxx

HoskinsChoice · 26/03/2025 08:21

I would send him in but find out what it was that he wanted to do instead, pick him up from the school gates and go and do something as an act of remembrance as soon as school finishes. That should be a happy medium of teaching him the resilience to keep going even when it's difficult but also having the time to reflect on his loss.

laveritable · 26/03/2025 08:21

I would let him!