Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

I’m another who’d let him have the day at home; it’s significant to him, and the last place he’d want to be if he’s upset is at school.

If you can, it would be nice to do something and make it a better experience. Just something simple like a walk, or going somewhere they enjoyed together.

Grieving is a horrible, awful, unknown journey and affects everyone differently. Please let him have this day, he’s possibly been building up to asking you - better to be off with your blessing than be upset at school, or tempted to be truant.

It’s scary to think parents are prioritising school over their children’s mental health 😱 when people start opening their eyes to the reality of the education system they might become more aware of how it’s not designed for how they seem to think it is.

A day for him to feel safe, cocooned from the everyday trials of life is very little to ask in the grand scheme of things. I’d 100% would and let him lead how he would like to spend the day

As a former teacher with a background in psychology, I'd be quite horrified if a parent sent their child in on the anniversary of the other parent's death after the child requested the day off. In those circumstances I'd expect the child to stay at home - school isn't the right place for someone who is struggling with a difficult and traumatic event and it's not fair to put either him or the teachers in that position. If parent came to me and explained the issue and asked for help, I'd gladly give it, on the caveat that there is a hard limit to what schools can realistically do and the best place for a child to be at a time like that is with a parent. I can pretty confidently say no teacher would have any objection to a child staying at home for this reason - all teachers know the massive impact the death of a parent can have on a child and most would be glad the parent is doing something to acknowledge and deal with that.

I know what I meant but, if you have to be right, crack on because I CBA.

I know what you meant too, and my point stands. It's an important one to make because you're not the only one to have said that or something similar.

OP hasn't said DS wants to spend the day remembering or doing a specific memory or DF related activity, there's no reason to think he does, it's not better or necessary to do that and some people would find it actively unhelpful.

You can mark it obviously and you should but after-school, moping isn't constructive

Fuck me, “moping”. This is a boy that lost his father aged 9, only three years ago.

Where is your empathy?

If he wants to sit in a dark room for the day to get through then that should be fine. He is a 12 year old who has been through a traumatic experience.

he has the rest of the year to get on with life. Let him “mope” for a day if he needs.

Indeed. There are quite a few posters on this thread who seriously lack empathy. But I find the ‘moping’ comment to be the worst. Who the hell calls a child grieving for his dad ‘moping’?

@Noideawhatimdoing40 after 436 replies what do you think you should do?
Will he have the day off or won't he?

Sorry, hectic few days-will catch up tonight.

He has struggled hugely with the loss of his dad-he’s had brilliant support from his secondary school. He struggles emotionally especially with no school (but he’s incredibly bright).

A 12 year old boy grieving his dad and finding it especially hard on an anniversary of his death is… moping?

Jesus Christ. I hope you’re never ever unlucky enough to be in the terrible position where you have to guide a young person through grief of such a crucial figure as a parent.

Even though it was Easter did you do anything specific in the last two years in way of remembering his dad. If you did then absolutely let him have the day off and do whatever it is that you do.

I'd be more willing to send him to school if it's treated as just another day on the XBOX.

I’ve not read all comments yet but thank you for your advice. I’m going to keep him off and let him choose what to do. Me and his dad were not together and his dad died suddenly and my son never got to say goodbye so it was particularly hard. He’s a wonderful boy who is kind and caring and we talk so much about all things including his dad. I can be at home with him that’s not a problem and I will see what he’d like to do. Previously we’ve gone out to dinner and the cinema so maybe that.
Should I ask school if they will allow him the day off? Will they likely grant it? So far they have been really supportive.

When my father was dying (I was married with children) I spent every evening on coming back from the hospital playing Tetris on my PC

Totally mindless and it helped me not to think

Then come up with a tradition to mark it for him (every year for as long as he needs,)

Maybe something he can do on his own when he's adult if necessary

People always used to visit the graves and take flowers on anniversaries.

There was a reason for that

I wouldn't tell the school just tell them he is sick.

Fucking hell.

The kid lost his dad when he was 9. Can't you begin to understand how traumatic that sort of thing is?

Having a single day off to process that every year is not fucking "moping".

I wouldn’t even ask the school.

”I am taking X out of school for the day, as it will be extremely emotionally challenging for him.”

100% attendance is completely ableist bullshit anyway.

I think the school will absolutely allow it. They always allowed it for my best friend’s daughter when she was in the situation to you.

You’re doing the right thing here. He needs to learn that feelings are valid and he’s asking for a completely appropriate thing to deal with them. It must be so hard for him. We need to allow space for these young boys, young men even, to feel what’s going on and not push it all away.

I wouldn't ask the school. They can be obsessed with attendance not because he has had much time off but because of their overall percentages. If they say no it will upset him. He will either go in or stay off feeling as though he's disapproved of. That would really upset a conscientious hard working boy struggling with the impact of the day. It is a day off sick necessary to support his mental health which is just as important as physical health. Sometimes people stay of work/school with a cold. All you need say when you contact the school is that it is a day off sick to support his mental health. There shouldn't be any issues with it at all. If there is I wouldn't tell him. 💐

Yeah, just tell the school. "X is the anniversary of his father's death so he won't attend school that day."

Be honest with school (but don’t ask permission tell them he will be off) that way they can be aware on the surrounding days incase he needs any extra support