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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Day off for dads death

469 replies

Noideawhatimdoing40 · 26/03/2025 07:36

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 26/03/2025 09:05

I would absolutely let him stay off and spend the day with him, maybe mark the day in some way by lighting a candle or whatever he feels like doing. I lost a sibling when I was 12 and for many years we took the day off as a family and spent it together, visiting a place that was special to us as a family and having a pub lunch. It was important to us to be together on that day and remember her.

Mydogisamassivetwat · 26/03/2025 09:06

TwigletsAndRadishes · 26/03/2025 08:56

You can mark the anniversary very meaningfully without taking a day off school. He's 12. He's already lost a ton of schooling and socialising to covid. Allowing this is not going to help him built resilience. He needs to understand that his request can be denied for very good reason and it doesn't mean that his mum doesn't understand his need to mark the anniversary in some way. He just needs to find a way to do it that doesn't involve ducking out of an important responsibility.

If he wants the anniversary of his dad's death off school then does he also want Father's Day and his Dad's birthday? It's been three years. It's time to gently encourage him to to remember fondly, not wallow in grief.

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You sound like the people I had around me as a child when my mum died.

It didn’t end well for me.

JustFeedMeCake · 26/03/2025 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jesus Christ! That’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read on here. You are talking about a little boy. A 12 year old who has just lost his father. Your comment is vile and has been reported as such.

BoredZelda · 26/03/2025 09:08

HoskinsChoice · 26/03/2025 08:21

I would send him in but find out what it was that he wanted to do instead, pick him up from the school gates and go and do something as an act of remembrance as soon as school finishes. That should be a happy medium of teaching him the resilience to keep going even when it's difficult but also having the time to reflect on his loss.

He lost his father when he was young and 3 years on has excellent attendance and good marks despite not really liking school. Safe to say this kid has resilience in bucketloads. It’s just as important to learn that sometimes it’s ok to take a day for yourself when you think you need it, and your personal life is important too. Life is about balance and this is something adults need to do for the sake of their own mental health.

RunLikeTheWild · 26/03/2025 09:08

ScentOfAMoomin · 26/03/2025 07:38

I would send him in - would you take a day off work for the anniversary? I suspect most would not.

But this is a 12 year old child who lost his dad when he was 9. Completely different.

Op I would let him, and not worry about pp saying it sets a precedent. There will come a time in the future where he will feel ok to go to school on that day, it for now, he's still young and he's still grieving.

Beebop1784 · 26/03/2025 09:09

Can't get over the heartlessness of some people in this thread, thank god they're not my mother!

Let him take it off. My husband is 35 years old and still takes his Mother's anniversary off every year, now 9 years on. It doesn't have to be a special day of reflection or whatever either. Sometimes it's just hard to face the world when you're missing such a big part of it.

Lazydomestic · 26/03/2025 09:09

Don’t see why not. Friend picks up her 9 year old at lunchtime on the anniversary when it fell on a school day - dad was a keen golfer so they play mini golf & talk about him.

IsawwhatIsaw · 26/03/2025 09:10

I think he has expressed a need to be at home that day. At 12 he has understood what he wants and needs. To not listen and act on that would be vey wrong.

DingDingRound3 · 26/03/2025 09:11

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Jeepers, I thought I was on the harsh end of things. He’s a child!

MissDoubleU · 26/03/2025 09:12

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

And why shouldn’t he!? He has perfect attendance all round. Isn’t asking for weeks off to mope. One day a year to channel his grief and think about his beloved dad. If he needs this, he should bloody get it.

My best friends DD tragically lost her father at a young age. She is now 20, in Uni, doing exceptionally well socially and academically. She still spends the anniversary doing what she needs to and grieving her father. The university staff are incredibly accommodating of this and understand that this is a horrific trauma for any child. Her school work has clearly never suffered from one day and her Mental Health is far better having been allowed space to feel how she does.

One day is fine. He should be taught to feel his feelings and pay attention to his mental health. Much healthier than repressing his grief. He’s only 12. How is this even a question. Let the boy stay home for one day.

BIossomtoes · 26/03/2025 09:12

I’m still “wallowing in grief” a decade after my parents died. Anniversaries are really tough, it should be his call how he deals with it. I would allow him to stay at home if that’s what he wants.

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 26/03/2025 09:12

When you lose a parent so young, in a way it can feel harder as time goes on. With maturity also comes the magnitude of the loss, and more milestones pass by without them. Let him have the day off.

LlynTegid · 26/03/2025 09:12

I would do something after school to reward him for going in on such a difficult day. It will be daylight long enough for you say to visit a local place that was important to your late DH.

RedToothBrush · 26/03/2025 09:13

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Actually, he potentially COULD choose to take the day as leave if he was an adult.

He is still grieving and I suspect the school will be fully supportive of the reason for him being off school even though its 3 years ago.

Most children do not have to carry the burden of the loss of a parent.

Ultimately its not in his best interests to send him in, if he's feeling like this. Its not as if he's not doing well at school nor is it for a lame excuse.

This is a mental health related issue where he needs support.

The one thing I would add in the context of support, is I wouln't be keen for him to stay home alone though - I would be taking the day off to be there for him. Because he needs you. He doesn't get the day off to just sit home and play computer games or whatever all day. You go do something together and remember Dad - even if its just part of the day. It needs to be focused.

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 26/03/2025 09:13

Lazydomestic · 26/03/2025 09:09

Don’t see why not. Friend picks up her 9 year old at lunchtime on the anniversary when it fell on a school day - dad was a keen golfer so they play mini golf & talk about him.

That's made me cry!

Sassybooklover · 26/03/2025 09:14

Whilst you're able to allow him the day off, then do so. However, going forward as he starts having exams, revision etc, staying at home may not be an option. I think perhaps a chat on why he thinks he needs to have the day off, as apposed to going to school would be better? Is he afraid of becoming upset at school? You need to also prepare him for the fact, that staying off school every year on the anniversary is not necessarily going to be possible. A day off means doing something together, to remember his Dad. If he thinks staying off and gaming is better, then, no, off to school.

Candlecharge01 · 26/03/2025 09:16

God I'm 39 and my Dad died 4 years ago and I struggle on the anniversary. I did actually take this year off as I just felt awful. He's a child let him have the day.

YessandNno · 26/03/2025 09:16

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

... and if that's the case, everything will be OK.

Kingsleadhat · 26/03/2025 09:16

I think a mental health day if he's feeling overwhelmed is perfectly legitimate, even if he does want to play games all day. I'd let him do it

RedToothBrush · 26/03/2025 09:17

TwigletsAndRadishes · 26/03/2025 08:56

You can mark the anniversary very meaningfully without taking a day off school. He's 12. He's already lost a ton of schooling and socialising to covid. Allowing this is not going to help him built resilience. He needs to understand that his request can be denied for very good reason and it doesn't mean that his mum doesn't understand his need to mark the anniversary in some way. He just needs to find a way to do it that doesn't involve ducking out of an important responsibility.

If he wants the anniversary of his dad's death off school then does he also want Father's Day and his Dad's birthday? It's been three years. It's time to gently encourage him to to remember fondly, not wallow in grief.

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Fathers day is a Sunday. Not many kids in the UK go to school on a Sunday.

If an adult works a Sunday, then they are able to take annual leave on Sundays to accomodate this.

Theres some really daft comments here about 'you can't' when actually you very much can plan this if you feel it is that important to you and the grieving process.

LoyalMember · 26/03/2025 09:17

What did he do the last two years when this date fell on the Easter Holidays? Was he particularly mournful and sad? I think he's at it this year. Send him to school.

Hufdl · 26/03/2025 09:17

Absolute let him off. Poor lad.
I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Farkinhell · 26/03/2025 09:17

Definitely let him stay home and do something nice together. He's 12, and lost his dad at 9... He's so young still.

Namerchangee · 26/03/2025 09:18

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 26/03/2025 07:48

Send him in. I understand where he is coming from but he needs to not let the day define his memory of his Dad. You can mark it by a special meal or coffee and cake later school but he needs to know that this doesn't stop his day to day life.

@Sunshineandgrapefruit You don’t understand where he is coming from though, do you? It’s his grief, not yours. What child wants to mark their father’s death with coffee and cake SMH.

OP - give him the day off. So what if he needs this day off school, work, whatever, for the foreseeable future? I lost my Dad last year and I will remember the day of his death forever and am unlikely to work that day going forward. It matters little to anyone else whether I am where I’m ’supposed’ to be, but it matters to me that I’m not there and am remembering my Dad.

There are some really harsh replies on here.

Hadjab · 26/03/2025 09:18

He's 12, his dad's death will have hit him hard, let him stay home.

I have three kids and the youngest was 11 when their dad died. They were, and still are, devastated by his death, and its been seven years. If they want a day off from life to mourn him, I am not about to stand in their way.