Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

It entirely depends on how he is in himself. If he's likely to snap and shout at people or cry, or get in trouble for zoning out, or feel really miserable, keep him off.

If he's chancing it slightly and will be okish, agree to do something special for dad at the weekend.

I lost my mum when I was 11. It didn't occur to me to ask for a day off but I do remember some years that caught me much harder than others. I often found the week leading up to the anniversary just as hard as the day itself.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread because a few answers made me so angry.

It's seven years since dh died. I still take time off on the anniversary.

Your son has asked for your help. Yes I think you should allow him to be off school. Take the day yourself and offer him a couple of choices to do something nice together- go for lunch or tea, a countryside walk, a movie maybe.

As its come from him I would talk to him about how he wants to mark the day and let him stay off..I wouldn't particularly set up any traditions around it but having a day to think and feel.

Have you previously marked the day in some way, or just spent the time together quietly? If so, I can see why he'd want to continue doing that. He also may just not want to explain to his friends why he's finding that day hard.

I'm surprised at how many posters are saying he'll expect this every year or that it sets a precedent for mourning. He's always going to have lost his dad at a young age - no amount of distraction is going to change this. If he needs to take this day every year, that's not a big deal and seems to me a pretty healthy way of living with grief.

I’d let him have it off. He’s mature enough to ask for the day off.

Maybe ask what have plans he has for the day, to see if he has any plans, rather than just skiving school.

Why can't he have the day off every year? It's one day and his attendance is otherwise great.

I usually take the anniversary of my mum's death off work.

It’s one very difficult day. So what it he asks again.

he might continue this tradition for the rest of his life. A day to think about his dad.

and that’s okay.

I would keep him off and let him mark the day however he wishes.
These things are important. One day off isn’t going to wreck his education, sending him in on such an important day to him might effect your relationship with him though. He will remember this day whichever you choose to do. I really would respect his wishes on this one.

I lost my Dad at a similar age to your son. For me having the day off wouldn’t have been the right move and bringing normality to the day was important and worked for me. Everyone is different though so I think you need to be led by him. Have you done anything specific to mark the day in previous years when it’s fallen in the holidays that he will have to miss out on this year?

Will you be with him or would he be at home alone that day?

Don’t try to restrict the child’s opportunity to grieve. Don’t try to pretend his father didn’t die on x date. He won’t be able to be distracted from his grief.

from experience, not allowing a child to grieve when he asks to can have untold long term impact.

having said that, I’m one who avoids missing school if at all possible. I’d probably tell him he needs to go to school on that day, but make sure the anniversary is marked before and after school if he wants to. Conversations, dad’s favourite meal, a trip to a special place. Give him an easy time on that day. And before/after.

He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year.

Why can't he?

This is both sensible and kind.

As an adult it is a choice.

Let him stay at home! It’s a mental health day.

What does he want to do? If the two of you could so something special together and talk about his dad then it might help him to have the day off. If he just wants to sit around and feel sad I would encourage school.

So what? He’s a kid who’s lost his dad. Why on earth shouldn’t be allowed a day off on the anniversary if it would make it a bit more bearable?

The coldness and lack of compassion in some
of these replies is horrendous - he’s a child!

I would let him have the day off. There are some really harsh comments here. Why shouldn’t the day be defined by his dad’s death? It was an important day in his life and he’s still grieving.

Yes let him have the day off to spend as he chooses. Very tough at that age

Of course I'd let him have it off. It's a date that is no doubt full of difficult memories and difficult feelings for him. He may be distracted by it all day, even if he's not obviously distressed. On the anniversary of such a close death, I don't schedule anything or talk to anyone and it's been a few years longer. It's a huge loss and he's just a child.

Let him have the day off.

I say this as a nearly 50 year old who still can remember how difficult it was having to pretend to be normal on the anniversary of my dad's death throughout primary and secondary school.

Be proud that you're raising a child who can articulate his emotions to you around his dad.

I'd let him have the time off. He's asked and that tells you how much he needs it. It's one day.

Can’t he? He probably won’t want/need to as he grows up and if you’re worrying about the work place, by that age he’ll be able to gauge if he needs to stay off/appreciate he needs to go in for whatever reason/wont feel the need to stay off. He can book a day of annual leave no problem.
But one day of school a year seems fair enough. I don’t see the problem. Half the time it will fall in the holidays anyway as OP said.

I have to agree some of the responses are really harsh esp in regard to a child who has lost a parent,he's asked for the day so he obviously feels he needs it & if it's 1 day of the year he takes off well so be it,it's one day in the great scheme of things.

I say that as someone who works in a school and who very much thinks attendance matters but mental wellbeing matters more.

I'm a teacher and I agree with this.

If his attendance is usually excellent, even though he doesn't love school, he's expressing a need rather than finding one more reason not to go.

But I agree with a pp that I would be arranging a day of doing something nice with him to remember his dad rather than allow him to sit on his phone playing games all day.

Let him have it off. He’s telling you what he needs and ordinarily he is very good at attending. He doesn’t need distracting. If he wants to spend the day sobbing over his father, why is that wrong?!