I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

That is such a betrayal of trust. I am so sorry, He has no business sharing that with anyone. Does he know that you know he said that? I cant imagine trsuting DH after this. Really shit.

That’s totally inappropriate, disloyal, and creepy.

They have crossed about 100 lines here - I guarantee she fancies him whether he reciprocates or not.

How do you know, did he tell you?

You're not wrong to feel embarrassed and hurt, and if I were you I'd definitely speak to him about what you consider okay to share with friends or not. On the other hand, it seems like what he's doing is processing his feelings/ways to improve your relationship with his friend? Like he's obviously recognised you don't feel in the headspace for having sex and done something about that - unless he is talking about it in a cruel or mocking way I would tell him you'd prefer him not to discuss your sex life with his friends but I wouldn't be angry at him about it. Plenty of people confide in their friends about their relationship and talk through what's happening in it.

What an appalling thing to do. It sounds like the age old 'my wife doesn't understand me' ploy. I'd be seriously thinking about whether this marriage is worth continuing in your shoes OP. I am SO sorry.

I’d feel the same as you too.

My ex DH did this - but it was even worse in that he shared such details with a couple with whom we were both friends. He could not see the issue because "they're our friends".

This is brutal. I dont think i would be able to come back from something like this, it would be on my brain any time we even attempted something close to intimacy! So so wrong

Sounds like the typical bloke who wants to cheat and wants the OW to feel sorry for him first.
Even if it is innocent he’s a horrible person to speak about you and your life like that to someone.

That's disloyal and a big breach of marital trust.

He just blew up any hope of having a decent sex life for a long time of ever with you by running and whining to another woman. I bet it doesn't make you more inclined to have sex with him.

How would he feel if you told your friends what a shit lover he was?

I'd have to take a long break here.

I would feel so betrayed.

A female friend is very different from a counsellor, therapist, GP, etc

Wow, that’s awful. How did you find out? What sort of friend is she?

It's a huge betrayal and also a huge red flag for trying to initiate an affair. The whole 'my wife doesn't understand me' tripe that so many men spout. Laying the foundation by making out he wants to 'help' the marriage and is 'trying everything' so that she pities him and he's painted as the hero making all the effort and you're the neglectful wife that just doesn't know how lucky she is. Such a cliche. Sorry this has happened to you. Not sure I could forgive it.

I am sorry. I'd be absolutely livid. He shouldn't be telling her these things and she certainly shouldn't be encouraging it. I can't even imagine a context in which a male friend would tell me these things about his wife. Frankly, it would give me so much ick the entire content of an adult shop wouldn't persuade me to have sex with him ever again.

How did you find out he was having these conversations?!

I would be absolutely raging if I found out my partner had been talking to anyone about our/my sex life with that level of detail, especially a woman.

I think there are times when most people might talk vaguely about their sex lives with their mates, but usually a) same sex mates and b) more along the lines of ‘Things aren’t right between us, our sex life has disappeared’ with no more detail than that. Not ‘I bought him/her a sex toy to see if they’d get off on that’.

I’ve got lots of male friends and when I was single and in my 20s we certainly talked about sex now and again but it would only have been in pretty general terms and certainly not about current partners - more like ‘I once dated a person who did this weird thing in bed’ or something. If a male friend ever started going on about the details of their sex life with their current long-term partner and how they’d bought them a vibrator, I’d tell them to shut the fuck up and stop being weird.

Some things should remain private between a couple. Blabbing to friends (male or female) about your sex life is horrible.

Would you feel the same if he had spoken to a male friend? Do you feel is not just the confiding but that there's more to their friendship?
I'm struggling slightly with my thoughts on this one as on the one hand, if I'm struggling with an issue I do confide in friends (sometimes my male friends if I'm hoping to hear a male perspective) to seek help and support so whilst I get you're embarrassed with regards to the subject matter I don't really think it's wrong he's asked for help from a friend. On the other hand you say you are a very private person and I'm guessing since he has married you he knows you well enough to know this about you and therefore should've maybe looked elsewhere if he couldn't talk to you about it, i.e. on an anonymous forum like this.
Personally I could overlook him talking to a friend (as long as I was sure it was firmly a friend and friend only) and wouldn't see this as a betrayal and I'd look at this as a wake up call as to why you are not having these conversations with each other to resolve any issues. I don't want to sound dismissive though and I do think you have a right to feel upset and embarrassed given its such a personal topic he's discussed with someone you know IRL

My close male friend often talks about his partner and I do with him. It’s just an outlet.

So she’s been a friend since they were about 16, we're early 40s now. So she’s a long standing friend. I’ve never felt any trust issues until recently. She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

I’ve asked him before if he also shares stuff about us, and he said no. But something was telling me something was off. So I looked at his WhatsApp, and honestly what he’s been telling her is so far beyond acceptable.

There was also a photo she sent him of her new tattoo, it looked like it was on her side, almost going under her breast. He said something like “looks good” with a winky face. I’m just so devastated.

Have you confronted him ? I’d pack up his stuff and then confront him, save him time afterwards. There is no coming back from this imo.

How personal do you get?

He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself

How could he possibly think that was an appropriate thing to share?

Interesting responses. OP, what kind of friend is she? Lifelong close friend who is more like a sister, or a work colleague he wants to start an affair with, as PP suggested?

I have a male friend who I tell anything and everything to r.e. sex and relationships. We’re close and I trust and value his opinion, but he is FIRMLY in the friend zone. I would like to think if a boyfriend took issue with this I would be able to justify my behaviour and defuse the situation. Could your DH be thinking the same about his friendship with this woman?

I’m glad it’s not just me!