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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

582 replies

Namechange20002 · 25/03/2025 18:56

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

OP posts:
DesperateDenise · 25/03/2025 19:37

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him OP.
Apart from.the massive inappropriateness of sharing details of your sex life and relationship with her it sounds from your update as though their friendship is morphing into something much more intimate.

fetchacloth · 25/03/2025 19:37

He's crossed a line big time 😡

wizzywig · 25/03/2025 19:39

How convenient that she is recently single..

Original poster
Namechange20002 · 25/03/2025 19:39

I confronted him as soon as he got home, I was literally shaking with anger and embarrassment so there was no hiding it. So far he’s not had a lot to say for himself, and is currently at an activity with our oldest DS.

So I noticed he had hidden their WhatsApp conversation on his phone, which is what made me look at his computer. After confronting him he had to leave with DS and he’s deleted the WhatsApp off his computer, so I can’t look at it while he’s out, which says everything! Although he claims he hasn’t, another lie. He had also claimed he’d not hidden their WhatsApp conversation on his phone. He must think I’m an idiot. He certainly doesn’t have an ounce of respect for me to have discussed this type of thing with her.

Where do we even go from here. Part of me wants to know every single thing he’s told her, and see all the messages, but that won’t make me feel any better, and he’ll lie about it anyway. But then all I'm doing is imagining it all anyway.

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 25/03/2025 19:40

It sounds like their friendship is crossing a new line.

outerspacepotato · 25/03/2025 19:40

So your husband lied to you about what he's sharing with his woman friend. And she's been quite needy and he's been a bit flirty with her over the tattoo.

This friendship sounds like it's moved into emotional affair territory. I think it's time to tell him you looked at his phone and know he's lied to you and is sharing really inappropriately with his "friend". This is a huge betrayal and I'd be fighting mad over it.

UndermyShoeJoe · 25/03/2025 19:41

Posted at the same time. Yeah his now hiding and covering tracks. Big flags.

outerspacepotato · 25/03/2025 19:43

With your update, he's being shady as can be. I would be getting copies of financials, securing important docs and lawyer up.

simpledeer · 25/03/2025 19:45

outerspacepotato · 25/03/2025 19:43

With your update, he's being shady as can be. I would be getting copies of financials, securing important docs and lawyer up.

Sadly I agree. 💐

Wanderinglonelyasaclown · 25/03/2025 19:46

I just wanted to reach out to you and say how very sorry I am that you’re dealing with this. Your instincts were spot on and he is now busy trying to cover his tracks. Don’t be taken in by his stupid denials and lies. Actually I’m sure that you won’t be. You’ve got this. 💐

Isthiswhatmenthink · 25/03/2025 19:51

Their ‘friendship’ has probably been based on them fancying each other for years and years. Since she’s been single, it’s crossed so many lines.

I’m really sorry OP. I’d be devastated and betrayed, just as you are, and would think it signalled the end of my marriage. He’s brought someone else into it

UndermyShoeJoe · 25/03/2025 19:53

Isthiswhatmenthink · 25/03/2025 19:51

Their ‘friendship’ has probably been based on them fancying each other for years and years. Since she’s been single, it’s crossed so many lines.

I’m really sorry OP. I’d be devastated and betrayed, just as you are, and would think it signalled the end of my marriage. He’s brought someone else into it

Yes!! The we like each other it’s naughty but we won’t actually do anything type of life long flirting.

Any partner mad would be seen as crazy as been friends for decades and never had a sexual relationship…..

YesHonestly · 25/03/2025 19:55

This is wrong on so many levels.

The sharing of private information is bad enough, but the hidden messages and flirty tone of the picture message suggests there is more to this. I’m sorry you’re going through this x

ThejoyofNC · 25/03/2025 19:59

If I'm being totally honest to have any chance of staying together I would have to make this a choose me or her situation. He's completely crossed way too many lines and their relationship is just unacceptable.

I'd tell him he needs to cut contact with her completely or we're finished.

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 25/03/2025 20:03

Time to get rid.. Tell him thanks for the new toy - and he is surplus to requirements now..
And mean it.
He is imo in way over his head with her...

UndermyShoeJoe · 25/03/2025 20:05

ThejoyofNC · 25/03/2025 19:59

If I'm being totally honest to have any chance of staying together I would have to make this a choose me or her situation. He's completely crossed way too many lines and their relationship is just unacceptable.

I'd tell him he needs to cut contact with her completely or we're finished.

Her dh would lie and hide the chat by how it’s going so far.

EdithBond · 25/03/2025 20:09

YesHonestly · 25/03/2025 19:55

This is wrong on so many levels.

The sharing of private information is bad enough, but the hidden messages and flirty tone of the picture message suggests there is more to this. I’m sorry you’re going through this x

100% agree.

I’d also feel humiliated/betrayed if my DP shared such info with any of his friends. We both have friends of both genders, as most people do. It’s nothing to do with what gender a friend is: it’s sharing personal information about a relationship with a DP that’s a betrayal of trust.

However, I bet if one of his male friends shared a photo of a tattoo, he wouldn’t send a wink emoji, hide the messages or delete his WhatsApp. Looks like he’s a bit more than friends with her to me. Even if it’s harmless flirting, he can’t claim she’s just a friend. People don’t flirt with friends.

He’s got a lot of apologising and winning back of trust to do. And it’s certainly not going to help your sex life.

B1anche · 25/03/2025 20:10

LollyLand · 25/03/2025 19:24

My close male friend often talks about his partner and I do with him. It’s just an outlet.

But how do your partners feel about that? Is his partner relaxed about him using you as an outlet to discuss intimate details of their relationship? I would be mortified and furious if I were her.

vapourtrail · 25/03/2025 20:10

I have a close male friend and he tells me personal stuff, he has lots of friends but doesn't have a male friend he can talk openly and honestly with and he also values the fact that I will always try and explain things from her point of view and lots of times he has said to me that he has found it really useful so hear her perspective from a neutral person.

I feel a bit sorry for men in this, they find it hard to speak to each other and can't speak to female friends without it being seen as a massive betrayal. So just have to bottle it up is it?

WallaceinAnderland · 25/03/2025 20:11

He's into her. She's into him. You won't get a look in unless you give him a really sharp wake up call.

Azureshores · 25/03/2025 20:13

Mbhhhvff · 25/03/2025 19:10

Sounds like the typical bloke who wants to cheat and wants the OW to feel sorry for him first.
Even if it is innocent he’s a horrible person to speak about you and your life like that to someone.

This, he's initiating sex talk with her to see how she responds imo.

"Poor me, not getting any sex off the missus.. Not sure what anyone can do to help...?"

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 25/03/2025 20:14

He's grooming her ready to be the OW. His wife doesn't understand him, doesn't like sex. It's nothing if not predictable, and you deserve better.

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 25/03/2025 20:16

He’s having an emotional affair at the very least. If he admits it fully, commits to going to counselling together and never sees her again, then maybe there’s a way back but it’s a very big “if”. At the very least he needs to pack his bags tonight and go and stay somewhere else while you decide what to do. Personally, I would be getting all financial details, account log ins, proof of ownership of assets etc right NOW this evening. Take screenshots/download pdf statements of every account you have, because I can bet you he will start hiding money.

I’m so so sorry. Kick him out and get the upper hand. I’m so sorry for your kids too: confide in close family or friends. You need your people around you.

SnowFrogJelly · 25/03/2025 20:16

vapourtrail · 25/03/2025 20:10

I have a close male friend and he tells me personal stuff, he has lots of friends but doesn't have a male friend he can talk openly and honestly with and he also values the fact that I will always try and explain things from her point of view and lots of times he has said to me that he has found it really useful so hear her perspective from a neutral person.

I feel a bit sorry for men in this, they find it hard to speak to each other and can't speak to female friends without it being seen as a massive betrayal. So just have to bottle it up is it?

Don’t be silly.. he should be talking to his wife about it not some random woman

EdithBond · 25/03/2025 20:17

vapourtrail · 25/03/2025 20:10

I have a close male friend and he tells me personal stuff, he has lots of friends but doesn't have a male friend he can talk openly and honestly with and he also values the fact that I will always try and explain things from her point of view and lots of times he has said to me that he has found it really useful so hear her perspective from a neutral person.

I feel a bit sorry for men in this, they find it hard to speak to each other and can't speak to female friends without it being seen as a massive betrayal. So just have to bottle it up is it?

I guess everyone has different boundaries. Two of my closest and oldest friends are men. I also have very close women friends. We’d never talk about our sex lives with our DPs or anything else too private.