I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Hey, I'm studying to be a couple and family counselor and sex therapist. You should know it is exceedingly common for men to shut down when they mess up. Happened with my own husband. I forget the name, but some of us fight, some of us beg, and some humans shut down. My husband would literally GO TO SLEEP during and argument. I felt so dismisses. Couldn't even be pissed to stay awake.

But learning that some folks (mostly men) shut down, and seemed emotionless was really helpful. Your husband on the camera crying is probably closer to his authentic response than the wall he set up. He's doing that because he knows he was wrong and is being attacked.

I'm glad you're headed to therapy. There's a LOT he's going to have to do to build trust. This may be a multi year process, but it can be done. I'm glad he's breaking it off with this other lady. That was not healthy for the marriage.

Generally Constant UTIs or the feeling of a uti like cystitis when you have sex is a lack of estrogen which leads to vagina atrophy
dryness sore and painful sex and constant uti are all part of vagina atrophy - aren’t we lucky

thrush like symptoms of external itching but no discharge is also a very common symptom

The only way it’s solved is by vagina pesseries and estradiol cream to restore estrogen - HRT will help but it won’t solve the dryness and soreness and constant uti symptoms

it’s very common but not really spoken about

even if you don’t stay with him please please get this sorted as it won’t get better only worse you don’t want it to get worse

i compare it to shitting an itchy baby out 😂

It is so sad that he has not discussed his concerns and desires with you. No wonder you feel devastated at this breach of trust in the most private part of your marriage. What hurtful insults you have discovered!

Does he know you know? Is this something you can talk with him about? I think that hard conversations are probably the most important ones. Reassure him that you will always be there to listen to his thoughts, especially about sexual topics. Ask him to respect your wishes too.

If it was me, I would make arrangements to have a private place and time where you can both listen to one another. Be honest, but not accusatory. Give him the opportunity to fully explain why he has said these things. Try to reach a clear boundary acceptable to each of you.

If he becomes defensive, which he probably will, listen closely and repeat back what he says for clarity. Ask him to repeat back to you what you say to him. By these means you can salvage your relationship. If you need to, reach out to Relate for couples counselling.

I do hope you can also ask your friend to discourage such intimate conversations and photo sharing. If he speaks to her, get her agreement that she will only interact with him when you are present and keep contact on public topics. If she wants to stay your friend, she must not treat your husband like a boyfriend.

Lets be honest eomen do it all the time with their friend ship groups...

Something similar happened to me a few years ago. My husband's female "friend" was his ear and one night he went to hers supposedly for a coffee and didn't come home til the next afternoon. I confronted him and he stormed out..... without his phone. I looked in it and he'd been complaining about me and she was calling me all the names under the sun. It was obvious they'd been having an affair. When he got back he tried to twist it that I'd been having an affair! She'd told him she'd seen me with some fella she knew. I'd never heard of him. I packed my stuff and went to my parents for four months, I ignored his calls and texts and eventually he crawled back. We sorted it out and he stopped seeing her or having any contact.

His lack of emotion when you confronted him was due to the shock of you finding out and being faced with it. His guilt must have been written all over his face!
This won’t be solved over night OP, whatever you decide to do you have a long emotional road ahead of you. Even if he has blocked this woman he will undoubtedly relapse as they have a close bond and those ties are hard to break. He was certainly having some kind of emotional affair with her and these types of affairs are often harder to break off than purely sexual ones. Look after yourself and just take it a day at a time!

and to Wendy - your husband sleeping with another woman in your bed was definitely not a ONS I’m sorry to say!

Yeah, I can’t get past him calling the mother of his child a slut.

I would have been out the door the first time he spoke that way about her. It says all you need to know about a man.