I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

He's shared information with a friend and now you're invading his privacy and blowing up on him, and you wonder why he's hiding his stuff? Hmmm. Do you often teat him like this?

There’s a huge difference between “we’ve had a row - am I the arsehole or is she? Give it to me from the woman’s perspective” and snide remarks about getting your partner a vibrator. I don’t think women should talk to male or female friends about really intimate stuff either, tbh. Go online to search up the problem, talk on an anonymous forum like this one, see a sex therapist - whatever. But do not talk about how your wife is in bed to your friends.

Don't let him gaslight you.
If he's got nothing to hide then he'll happily show you their messages. His reaction to you asking to see them will tell you everything you need to know.

I wouldn't mind if my DH did this as a way of getting advice or support from another female. The response he sent to her tattoo would make me think it's more than friendly advice he is looking for though and I would not be happy with that .

Agree with the majority here @Namechange20002 You need to get your ducks in a row and get ready to leave this marriage. Your DH is a massively disrespectful arsehole. I would be fucking LIVID. And yes I agree that he is hoping to have an affair with this woman.

As for the (few) posters who say they have male friends who share personal and intimate details of their issues and problems with their wife? And it's OK/normal ... Are you fucking kidding me?

If a male friend or colleague tried to start talking to me about his wife's minge and how he's been buying a rabbit to bang her button with it, I'd fucking puke! What the fuk is wrong with you?! Why are you allowing these men to share their personal and intimate marital issues with you?! 'He has no-one else to talk to, no other outlet, I feel so sorry for men!' one poster chirped ... LOL, pull the other one. 😂 He's probably getting a semi while he's talking to you about this shit!

The trust is gone. He’s an arsehole. Get rid of him.

I agree. If I’m having any issues in relationships I have often spoken quite intimately to my closest friends, as they have to me, and it seems they have been good friends for a very long time.
Have you not had any conversations yourselves about the issues?

He should not have said these things BUT you have 3 young children, do you really want to be on your own? Then watch him in a new relationship? Try to forgive him and improve your sex life. Don't have any more children as your relationship is struggling as it is.

An adult in this situation would say “I am really upset that you don’t trust me. Since you want to read my messages, knock yourself out: here they are. I have nothing to hide and I’m absolutely furious at being accused like this and at your snooping. We need to go to therapy because clearly we are in a bad place as a couple”. He wouldn’t hide and delete his chats.

My late husband used to overshare with his ex. In his defence, he'd had a stroke and - so far as I'm aware - no sexual matters were discussed, but he told her more about my business than I would have liked. (There were phone conversations about matters relating to the adult kids while I was at work. DH was stuck at home and glad of the conversation.)

In the end, I put my foot down. I didn't ban the conversations, but I banned the oversharing.

I always found out because there would be a snide comment made while we were taking the kids out to dinner. (Latterly we had to take her too because her partner had died and "Mum's on her own...")

(She made snide comments to everyone, but that was how I found out - for example - that DH had told her that I'd my front tooth replaced by an implant. To be fair, thanks to him I knew that all of her teeth were false though I never told her that I knew.)

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds as though your DH has started off by simple oversharing perhaps and then the boundaries have been breeched even more. If you're prepared to give him another chance, you can try putting your foot down - but you're absolutely right to let him know how outraged you are.

Wow how gutting. I couldn’t get over this. He’s clearly lining up for an affair. Both of them are taking you for a fool

Depends if you want to continue, and if you can come back from this betrayal

As a minimum for me he would have to cease contact with her, block her on everything and allow me to do random checks when I want to on his phone to make sure she remains blocked

He would then have to work hard at gaining my trust again, including being prepared to go to counselling to get this back on track

However tbh I couldn’t get past this, who else has he spoken to? I would be leaving, then he can chat to her as much as he wants

@WearyAuldWumman
Well you gave me a laugh about the false teeth! Well done you for keeping quiet about them!

Oh, I was tempted!

She brought up the implant and then "Is this you making yourself beautiful?"

I just answered: "No - I just want to be able to chew!"

I have close male friends with whom I’d discuss relationships, but we wouldn’t talk about sex. He has overstepped.

I would say that it seems odd that they’re flirting now if they’ve been mates since sixth form age. Surely if they were a match, something would’ve happened by now? They must have been single at the same time at some point in the last quarter century. So I’m not as sure as PPs that they’re gearing up to have sex. But I still think he’s telling her too much!

Hmm 🤔

I am very sorry and sending you a hug. X

In what universe is not telling people you bought your partner a sex toy "bottling things up"?

It's an excuse to talk about sex related things, that's it. I used to have a boss who fancied my colleague and he would endlessly bring up topics related to sex or penises when she was around. The rest of the time, not a word about them.

This totally!! I mean what’s this woman getting out of this exactly.. it’s cringe!

Me too. Clearly we’re in a minority but in my friendships it’s quite normal to discuss our relationships and sex lives so I’d have no issue with my partner doing the same, in fact I assume that he does if he needs to.

Agree too. Lots of solicitors provide an initial 30 minute advice session at no charge. Useful for an initial overview of your options.

They have definitely crossed a line and he knows it. He needs to be honest with you and with himself about why that is.

This is what's so heartbreaking. No I don't want to be a single parent, I don't want to have my three beautiful children split between two homes. I don't want their hearts broken, I don't want any of this.

After he got back earlier he willingly gave me his phone. The last few weeks we've actually been in a really good place, getting on so well, having nice cuddles and caresses at bedtime etc. We even said we feel happier than we have for a long time. But it's in this time period that he's sent those messages to her. So his claim that we weren't communicating well is complete crap!
He also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."
She then does a sad face emoji.
I'm so furious!! I've honestly never been this angry with anyone before.

The amount of disrespect is unreal!

I agree with the others. This is no longer just a friendship, it's morphed into at least an emotional affair. No wonder you feel so broken.

Take your time to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. If you do then the only way it can work is with full transparency and an end to all contact with this woman.

You’re joking surely ffs 🙄