I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

He also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."
She then does a sad face emoji.

I couldn't forgive that.

My best friend of 15 years, is male. We talk a lot, but I would never, ever, have discussed my relationship with my husband, or anything sexual, with him.

What an idiot. I don't suppose he thought for a moment about the consequences of sharing such intimate information. I'd be deeply upset too.

The pair of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about boundaries, respect and trust.

He needs to be told that some things within a marriage are sacrosanct and that he has crossed a line.

Of course he is free to have friends and socialise with whomsoever he chooses, but he has totally disrespected you and now you are very uncomfortable about his relationship with this woman.

Ask him how he would feel if you were off telling some bloke about how dissatisfied you are with him as a husband? And then sent the bloke pictures of some sexy man and said you wish you'd married someone like that instead? And messaging him at all hours every day?

Ask him to put himself in your shoes and think about how he would feel about you having a relationship like that with another man?

He needs to put some serious distance between him and her, and concentrate his efforts where they ought to be - with his own family.

(Frankly I'd also be contacting the other woman and given her a piece of my mind too, but I'm one of those women who goes on the war path.)

You're not neutral because you're only talking about intimate shit with the man.

Conveniently.

Are you one of these tedious women who gets on better with men? 🙄

My male friend of many years would talk to me about his issues with his ex (sexual ones included) I would give advice from both prospectives.

coincidentally they split up and some time later we were both single and ended up together and now are in a relationship

I don't really understand posters suggesting that the marriage can be salvaged if DH cuts all communication with his friend. Firstly, he has already proven himself to be untrustworthy by lying, covering his tracks by hiding messages etc so how could OP really trust him not to see or speak to her again? How can she believe a word he says? I suppose he could submit to her regularly checking his phone, tracking his movements via an app etc but who wants to live like that?

Also, the suggestion that removing this woman will remove the problem doesn't sit well with me. Do we really believe that he's a thoroughly decent bloke who was bewitched by this wicked temptress into disrespecting and lying to his wife, but once she's out of the picture he'll go right back to being loyal, honest and respectful? The female friend is clearly not to be trusted either, but since she's not the one who's married to OP that's not really an issue. The problem is the DH's behaviour. This woman is the symptom but not the cause. Who's to say he won't make another close female friend? Or start whinging about being denied his basic human right to have his dick sucked on the regular to his and OP's mutual friends, his female colleagues or any other woman he thinks he might be in with half a chance with?

I feel like OP telling him he needs to cut contact with the friend and then staying with him would basically be her entering into a 'don't ask, don't tell' situation rather than actually resolving anything.

That video is him starting an affair. She's receptive. And you say things have actually been better between you. So he's lying to her too. This is the classic my wife won't have sex with me.

He had time while he was out to delete anything really incriminating. He's already lied. I would not trust either of these two one inch. Get those copies of everything and prepare. He'll cry and make promises that he won't keep.

You can set boundaries but he can't be trusted.

Do you have family and friends around for support? I am really sorry this has happened to you

Oh wow. This is actually awful. He’s telling her lies about you to get her sympathy. He’s leading this I’m afraid.

That video is him starting an affair.

💯

Wow! Amazing how you manage to know about 30 years of friendship from my two posts!! And as inconvenient as this might be, we don't only talk about intimate stuff at all, we talk about everything, we've been friends through the death of parents, and the ups and downs of life. Same as I talk about with any really close friends.

And no, I have more female friends and don't get on better with males. I may still be tedious though.

Totally overstepped so many boundaries with this nonsense, the video is a clear flirt at your expense and even the photo of her tattoo would be more than enough for me. Absolutely inappropriate and I would be contacting her and asking for the messages he’s deleted and whether or not she thinks discussing somebody else’s sex life with their husband was ever a respectful or appropriate thing to do.
Then, if you don’t want to split and want to try to salvage this, I would be telling him the very, very least he can do is absolutely no more contact, starting now, he needs to decide whether disgusting inappropriate conversations with her are more important than you and his family.
I would say it’s non negotiable, no compromise, he’s more than trashed any chance of a friendship continuing with her.
He has breached trust with this ‘friendship’ and cannot be trusted with this woman and I doubt she is any kind of friend to your marriage.
This stops now, he can’t have both.
Then you need to work on the issues in your marriage together, privately, and have an honest conversation about what you both need going forward.
If, however, you know that this is a deal breaker for you, then tell him and seek legal advice. I wouldn’t blame you one bit.

I don’t think discussing your sex life with your friends is automatically a bad thing, what concerns me here is that it looks like he’s putting out feelers to see her reaction and if he can get some, to be honest.

You just know he’s about to post on r/deadbedrooms too 🙄

I know that these days we're supposed be cool and modern and open-minded about male-female friendships, but there is a difference. I'd be humiliated and outraged if my husband shared private details of our marriage with a male friend, but it is worse that the friend is a woman. He felt comfortable sharing that cringeworthy video with her, apparently knowing she wouldn't pull him up on it. It's completely inappropriate.

I don't know that you can ever trust him again, because he clearly thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, so even if he pretends to get it, apologises, and says he'll back away from this friend, I wouldn't feel confident that it wasn't all just more lies. And that's if he'd at least pretend to agree that he crossed a line. More likely he'll argue that he can be friends with whomever he likes, and you'll be the unreasonable one for having a problem with it. 🙄Sorry he's been such an idiot, OP. YANBU!

@blandwich I hate to admit defeat but honestly, I agree. It sucks but when you’re in a relationship unfortunately certain things have to change.

My best friend is a man and while our conversations are 100% appropriate, they had to change for our respective relationships’ sakes.

I've had male friends talk to me about stuff like this. They tell me its because Im pragmatic and can help them.

I have helped them too. Every one of them. Maybe this really is just trying to get a woman's perspective on how a woman might feel.

I kniw it feels like a betrayal and I'm sure if someone did it to me I'd feel like you do @Namechange20002 but it may be his cry for help. Talk to him about it. Tell him you're feel betrayed and talk about your problems too. If you love him and he loves you, it must be worth putting effort into your relationship.

I wouldn't even tell my female friends very intimate details about our sex life let alone if we had issues. It is just disrespectful.

That FB video would be the end. Who have you married, Roy Chubby Brown? Misogynistic, entitled and utterly ick-inducing.

Kick him out for a while OP. It won’t “drive him into the arms of OW” because he’s either already there or he will turn up at her door and she will have a freak out because what seemed like harmless fun flirting has suddenly got extremely real. If it’s “just” emotional, two weeks sleeping on his friend’s sofa or a travel lodge will put some perspective on it and he’ll slink home ready to do some serious spadework.

What bloody planet is he on! Sounds like he’s flirting. I would be pissed off too.x

Your relationship is over

I have male friends I've known since I was a teen / early 20s and I would never engage in that kind of conversation with any of them. And if one of them tried to start that kind of confessional / intimacy revealing stuff, I'd immediately put a stop to it and if they continued, I wouldn't speak to them again.

He needs to close down this channel of communication now. No more WhatsApp and no more Facebook with her. Does he really need either one for work? because if not he should come off them both. And anything else, like instagram, blue sky, twitter etc.

It's very hard when the kids are tiny, but they're not tiny forever and you'll get more space but you have to get through this phase together.

All of the posters saying oh I have a best male friend and honestly I've helped his marriage because he has to talk to someone about his lack of sex life - poor men - and at least I give a neutral response --

if your male best friend had done this

"he also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."

would you have sent back a sad face emoji?????

If you would, then shame on you. If you wouldn't then what is going on with you and your friends has absolutely nothing to do with what is (so clearly) going on with the OP, her DH and his friend turned wannabe girlfriend.

What were the responses to your husband's messages, by his female friend? Were there long replies or a short sentence or one words? What I am trying to ascertain is, if he's more invested in the contact and she's just giving generic short answers? Has any of her replies been negative towards you or is she openly flirting with him? Ultimately, it's easy to blame the woman, but it's your husband who has been over sharing intimate details of your relationship and sex life. He may very well be testing the waters, but is she reciprocating?! I understand sometimes we need someone we trust to confide in, when life gets a little rocky. In principle there's nothing wrong in that, but he's overstepped boundaries. He's deleted messages, because he knows full well the messages will prove how much he's been over sharing. Going forward.. you need a frank and honest conversation. If he doesn't feel your relationship is as on track as you do, then he needs to tell you, not his friend! How can a relationship be 'fixed' if one half isn't being truthful to the other?! You both need to go to couples therapy, and see if you can resolve the issues in your relationship (not just the over sharing). If this doesn't work, then I'm sorry to say, it's time to call it a day on the relationship.

Well, what a surprise!

This is incredibly disrespectful. I'd feel ill at the thought of those two talking like that.

If he wants to stay married he needs to wake up to what he's done and have absolutely nothing to do with her again - not even a hello.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you - it's beyond cruel.

I have lots of male friends. I am more of a man's woman than a woman's woman - I'm afraid I prefer male company. And if a male friend shared intimate details about his sex life with his long term partner (or even a more than one night partner) with me, my response would be:

• talk to your wife/partner about it, how ever difficult that might feel.
• if you have talked, and things are not getting better, then do what is right for you - but you still have to talk with her about it

The idea that I could provide a friend with some all encompassing female perspective on 'the problem' is laughable, and utterly disrespectful to his wife/partner.

OP - I am really sorry. This whole thing is awful. You are not remotely unreasonable, or oversensitive, or mistrustful. Your bloke has done an awful thing - you have every right to be fucking livid, and no one sane would blame you for ending the relationship.

I don’t think I could live with this man any longer. Total disrespect and a really misogynistic attitude - not the attitude you show to the mother of your DC and your wife.

I’m so sorry, OP. You must get devastated. Can you ask him to go and stay with his parents for a few days so you can think?