I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

I would be mortified too op, such a breach of trust 😕
Their friendship is too close, they are sharing way too much, its quite intimate really....defo a borderline emotional affair, i doubt he'd admit that tho. Theres no way your relationship can continue if they remain friends, he would have to cut her off completely if there was to be any chance of you staying together.

That is a truly horrible update OP.
There are three people in your relationship.

I would be very wary, this sounds like the start of an emotional affair. Especially by your latest update and him sending her the Facebook video of the wife pushing the hisband away. That says to me he was testing the waters, to what her response may be. She'd feel sorry for him and be straight over to give him sex? Stupid selfish man. Sorry OP. I'd be livid too.

If you are staying with him I’d say that he needs to stop all communication with her. He is definitely fishing for an affair, laying the groundwork as the poor deprived husband.

Yikes. Hard no. Even if this was a platonic male friend it goes way beyond what is acceptable.

Sounds like they fancy each other and are using these chats about you and DH to play out their own hypothetical relationship.

You’re not a neutral person, you’re his friend. How can you explain things from her point of view? Do you know what her point of view is or do you assume that because you’re both female you share a universal opinion?

Of course he gave you his phone when he came back, he'd had time to hide/delete stuff when he was out!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Mine were 5 and 1 when I found out exH was having an affair. It is horrible having them split between two houses, but the alternative is staying with someone who has betrayed you. I actually had proof of a physical affair, you dont have that (yet!) But it doesn't look good, as PP's have said.

@Namechange20002 that last post broke my heart for you.

I'm so sorry

Tell me you're a man without telling me you're a man.

There is nothing I’ve sent to my “bestie” I wouldn’t be reasonably ok even if slightly
embarrassed by my dh reading.

Does he understand what he has done is wrong? Is he accepting he’s overstepped (leapt with both feet) over a red line? Or is he shrugging it off?

He handed you his phone, having had time to delete everything incriminating? Or as soon as you found out?

It is particularly notable they didn’t have these conversations when she was in a relationship so presumably she has boundaries around that and knows this is wrong.

He could be laying the groundwork for suggesting a sexual relationship between the two of them, absolutely. But if you take literally what he’s saying, it’s that he wants to have sex with you, but you’re unwilling and he’s trying to reignite things.

If he’s deleted messages that are worse than what you’ve already seen then I’d assume they’re pretty bad and would be either looking at whether you can download them from back up, or demanding the OW sends you copies. Get him to ask her to send them directly to you - and check exactly what he asks.

You’ve got three young kids and a family - I wouldn’t jump to making a decision to split up right now. I’d seek further info to gather exactly what has gone on, I’d assess his reaction - he should be offering to cut all contact immediately for example (likely won’t and will call you controlling) and he needs to demonstrate he understands why this is so wrong even if it’s not an emotional affair.

Share this with him:https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/#:~:text=An%20emotional%20affair%20is%20a,stability%20of%20a%20romantic%20relationship.

Yep. That would put the tin lid on it for me OP.

Do you have a close friend or relative you can confide in? You need support irl.

Same. He should be grovelling to you with nothing to hide. Instead he's doubling down on secrecy and lack of communication.

See what happens when he gets back from the club. He might have been defensive when confronted.

So disrespectful and disappointing.

I don't think you can ever trust him again even if he says he's happy etc and then sends pathetic messages to his 'friend'. What a complete and utter cock he is.

He's made a fool of himself.

....and if he really wants to reignite things with you does he think you'd be willing now, knowing he'd be sharing all the details with her? In your shoes that would kill any desire i had for him stone dead.

OP that video sounds vile and misogynistic. Complaining to another woman because he's not getting what he wants is just so petulant. Quite apart from the betrayal of trust and the humiliation, which is bad enough, I would also find his whining 'poor me' attitude deeply unattractive.

If one of my male married friends sent me something like that I would be telling him to get a grip and talk to his wife about what he can do to improve the situation rather than wasting time sending me stupid videos. The fact that she seems to be encouraging or at least going along with this narrative that he's being deprived because he's not getting as much sex as he wants suggests she is also not to be trusted. But ultimately, your DH is the one who's married so he's to blame for crossing the line.

He’s definitely overstepped. He’s obviously flattered by her attention and responding to it. He d doesn’t what he’s sending his disrespectful.

Where do you go from here? He ends all coffee , communication etc with her (be careful he doesn’t save her details under another name such as Steve). She needs to find someone else to offload onto (she will).

So he's let you look at his phone now he's deleted any evidence, sorry op it's not good.

So sorry OP.
Awful betrayal.
Sounds like fancying each other has morphed into an emotional thing.
I would be deeply hurt.

He also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."
She then does a sad face emoji
This is relationship ending for me.

I’m so sorry you have been put in this position by the person usually the most trusted in our life. What he has done is unconscionable. The man has no sense of loyalty, decency or that unique trust 2 people have within a healthy marriage/relationship.

The biggest damage I feel, is the issue now around trust. How to begin to trust again after such a betrayal. With counselling, if he is capable of understanding and owns the hurt and damage he has brought to your relationship, and if he is willing to engage emotionally, this may help.

Sending hugs, and so sorry you are hurting through no fault of your own.

Kick him out (that would be what I would do) but be prepared for him to be ‘comforted’ by her.

Either way, he’s not on your team anymore OP.

I'd be utterly mortified if my DH read some of the stuff I chat about with my besties. It's private. There's lots of stuff in my marriage that does my head in and I need to talk it though with someone.

@Namechange20002 quite clearly your husband feels he cannot talk to you so has talked to someone else about his feelings and frustrations. He is no doubt feeling rejected. Men have feelings too...

I have male friends and some have told me stuff like this because I give them a neutral perspective on it and can help them rationalise their thoughts.

If you're not happy about him talking to a friend then I suggest you tell him to speak to some sort of private councillor.

I am neutral, because I have known him for over 30 years and her for about 20 years. So I know them both very well and would always see it from her side if he told me about a disagreement. We do things together as families with our kids who are also friends, but we also go out for dinner just me and him once every couple of months and catch up and there is not an ounce of sexual chemistry between us.

But any way, from the updates I agree that this doesn't sound like one of those friendships, I'm sorry OP!