I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

And how happy will you be with him discussing your sex life with a female friend now?

It’s not good but if he realises what he’s done is unacceptable and that he will do whatever it takes to make you feel better about it all going forward then you can repair your relationship.
Tbh personally I would expect him to cut all ties and let me have complete access to his phone/computer - I’ll just go and out my hard hat on!

So what would you have done then?

To be honest, other than the sad face emoji, her replies pretty much ignore any comments he’s made about our sex life. She asks a couple of times if he thinks I’d be open to counselling, I assume marriage counselling. Asks if we’ve had a chat about it etc. It feels like it’s all coming from his side, and she’s almost sidestepping the inappropriate messages. But I obviously don’t know what their discussions are in person.

When he got back this evening I was very upset and angry, and all I’ve got back from him are what I would describe as annoyed or irritated faces. When I call him out on that he claims he’s grimacing at his own stupidity. 🙄
I said I don’t think we can come back from this, he said “ok”.
I said is that all you’ve got to say, just ok! He said that’s not what I want, but if that’s your decision. Says it all doesn’t it!
Since putting the kids to bed we haven’t spoken. I went straight to bed and he came in and took his phone charger. I assume from that he’s sleeping downstairs, as he didn’t say a word to me!

There’s been no heartfelt apology, not an ounce of caring, he’s spoken and acted to me as if I’m the one that’s done something wrong. He’s gone completely into defensive mode.
I read all these posts on here every day about shit men, and I’ve always thought how lucky I am that I’ve got a good one. I just feel like such an idiot.

I’ll see what the morning brings, but the suggestions on having him move out for a while might be a good shout.

I think so. He doesn't seem to give a shit does he? I'm so sorry. This just stinks! You must be heartbroken.

I'm not making a serious suggestion at all but I bet he'd be fucked off if you messaged 'friend' and told her that you don't fancy sex any more with him because he has a tiny penis and not a clue how to use it, never mind keep it up!

@mainecooncatonahottinroof

You just took the words from my keyboard, I was about to write the same thing !

@Nanny0gg the thing is because we were friends for so long we would talk about it together if there were any issues, and we would both acknowledge there was an issue and address it. And I didn’t say the OPs situation was ok. I mean there is clearly some boundaries being crossed due to what/how they are discussing it.

Imo he is awaiting you announcing your split... So he doesn't look the bad guy..
Wonder who he will be running to?
She will swoop in and offer all he has been missing...

What? How can you guarantee that?

I have male friends and have had them in my life for decades. They talk, the same way women talk. I certainly don’t have any interested in them.

However, I will say that even being very close, having talked about all the intricacies of relationships etc, none of them would be so stupid or bold as to write a text like that. It would be a couple bottles of wine and a long Bridget Jones evening style chat that had them divulging such an intimate detail. And they’ve (as with most normal people of either sex) definitely reined it in since they got married. Anyone would be furious to see someone say that - that’s not just ‘we haven’t had sex for a long time’ or even him saying ‘I have ED’, that’s him telling her about YOUR personal stuff.

He sounds like he’s massively over sharing (and might be making her uncomfortable tbh) or yeah, maybe she’s weirdly into him to happily listen to this level of detail and not want to run a mile. She’d have to be pretty enamoured though to put up with it. Or maybe they’ve always had this type of friendship where they talk about everything. How long have they been friends? If it’s since before you, like since they were teens, fine just about. But otherwise just no.

I think he doesn't want to say anything because he hasn't worked out how much you know and he doesn't want to further incriminate himself. So instead hes blocking you out and hurting you further with the lack of communication.

Personally I'd be calling my friend and say I've seen most of what's going on, but he's blocking me from the rest of it and being unpleasant. I know it's not you driving it. Could we have a frank conversation as I need to know all for my sanity and to decide next steps.

It sounds like he wants you to end it?

Maybe he's mentally checked out but hasn't the balls to end it himself.

Is the lack of sex but true though?

Side stepping the friend for a minute, has he raised lack of sex as an issue before?

It sounds like he's been secretly/quietly resentful and unhappy a long time. His friend has been outlet/excitement for whatever he feels is lacking in his life.

It's funny you say you've both been in a good place whilst his messages have ramped up with her. Coincidence? Or could it be that this new ground of flirting with friend has put a spring in his step so he's been happier at home and with you?

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm not making excuses for him at all, but I do have a slightly different perspective on this op, do you guys have open communication about what problems you are having? Especially intimacy problems? Are there issues (on both sides) that don't seem to be getting resolved and that you both feel you aren't being listened to etc? That is then in turn creating a 'if we don't acknowledge it it's not really a problem' type thing where you just bumble along?

I suppose my point is if there are some topics that are un-resolvable and are off limits to talk about, I could understand one person in the relationship venting those frustrations to a friend, plenty of people come on here to seek an outlet to vent, and a lot of people confide in their friends as a sounding board.

The problem is here is who the friend is and the manner in which it has been done, the messages don't sound like someone who is genuinely seeking an outlet to vent, he seems to be using it as an excuse to play 'poor me' and get her to feel sorry for him.. the replies that she gives are quite heartening in a way, because if she is playing devils advocate for you, she seems to be encouraging him to try and resolve issues and try and work on your relationship, rather than encouraging the behaviour to escalate.

I think you need a proper discussion when you are both calm, I'd feel very betrayed if I was you as to the flippant/jokey nature of his comments, it's one thing to vent you frustrations about your partner to a friend, it is another to basically ridicule them behind their back, he needs to acknowledge how hurtful that is.

@Namechange20002, that video is unspeakable.

Your H has shat all over your marriage/family and thrown you under a bus to engineer an affair with this OW. This is absolutely an EA that is ramping up to be more.

They have clearly shared an attraction for years, and now things have escalated emotionally via their mutual confiding and ego validation. His humiliating you by telling OW details about your relationship and intimate life to garner her empathy is horrific. They are both sparking the energy with talk of sex toys and the photo/exchange re her ‘tatoo under her breast’.

There is no remorse here. H lied initially when you asked for honesty about their communication, and he is now protecting their relationship by sanitizing his devices to keep you further in the dark — more contemptuous and destructive behavior.

@Namechange20002, he is enchanted with OW and already addicted to the feelings she engenders in him, so you need to go nuclear if you want to stay. He needs to experience the sharp shock of feeling the loss of you as a consequence for his abuse, so send him away while you process your thoughts and feelings. Inform yourself by meeting with a solicitor to learn your options. He needs to understand that you mean business.

He also needs to immediately cut off OW before you will even consider a reconciliation. The problem is, you wouldn’t know if they go underground.

Personally, I would not reconcile with such a devious, self-serving, and entitled man who would collude with an OW to make an utter mockery of me and harm my children. I could never trust him, and would not sentence myself to a life of anxiety and uncertainty.

Everytime I think about that video, the messages, what he's probably told her in person, I just feel physically sick.
We've spoken about it numerous times between ourselves, what we want, what to do to make things better. So it's definitely not something we've brushed under the carpet. Up until tonight it's felt like we're in this together and working towards something.

Since our third child everytime we've done anything sexual I've got a painful UTI and irritation. So for me I'm always worrying about that rather than relaxing into the moment. I have zero sex drive at the moment, which could be a symptom of my aneamia, or possibly hormonal. My DH has been having severe health issues, which have only recently started to come under control, so there's a whole variety of things dampening our intimacy. But I feel like his messages to her have put this solely on me, so I'm the problem, and obviously not the wife he thought he was going to get.

I just feel so sad and hurt and betrayed, by the one person I trusted the most.
We have cameras in the kids room as monitors and I just watched back the video from after the argument when he seemed like he didn't give a shit, and he sat on the floor in ours DS room in tears. Our oldest DS went to check he was ok and give him a hug (he's only 7 bless his little heart) and DH is sobbing saying "Daddy's messed up, Daddy's messed up"

They have three young children! The lack of frequency of sex is not a surprise.

I wonder what Goldenballs does in terms of rearing his children...

I guarantee it’s the other way around.

There’s nothing to suggest that the friend fancies him - he’s clearly into her with all the sex talk. Into her in an emotional way too to be sharing all that stuff.

I am speaking from experience here.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this OP. He is not a nice man.

I would be tempted though at your next conversation with him to say something like

"look I am upset at those messages but I realise that I have also been talking to my close friends about our sex life for a while now and I also complained about the lack of ... well you can imagine .. and they sympathized with me a lot so there we both go - they've been telling me I don't have to put up with shite sex so maybe we are on the same page"

horrible man.

I agree it seems to be coming more from him but she should be shutting him right down - as we all would in similar situations. It is easy to do and it doesn't happen with a sad face emoji when a man sends a disgusting video to you criticizing his wife and their sex life.

As a minimum for me he would have to cease contact with her, block her on everything and allow me to do random checks when I want to on his phone to make sure she remains blocked

Fuck that - who wants to live under those conditions or even be the one enforcing them? Just leave; that’s no way to live for either party.

Hmmm, at first I thought maybe he was genuinely just talking to his friend and trying to get a women's perspective. But then the post you wrote where he sent a video about the wife he wanted vs. The one he has males me very suspicious, like he's setting it up so he's the poor good guy. In saying that I do think most men don't look elsewhere unless they're already unhappy and given you have three young children and before knowing this you were mostly happy, I'd suggest counselling to try and work things out

I'd do something a bit less drastic than having him move out for a while and a lot more likely (in my opinion) to help. And that is to go to marriage counseling ASAP.

It seems like there are several issues here that need sorting out. As you said, of course you don't want to be too hasty in breaking up a home with children.

Hopefully, the two of you will be able to get to the bottom of your problems and onto a better path right away. And then this will just be a rough patch in the past. Best wishes with it.

From your last paragraph, it sounds like there might be something left to save?

I'm so sorry OP, I thought there may have been problems on both sides, but he does seem to be blaming you for everything and not taking any responsibility whatsoever.. it's the only way for him to keep up the pretense that he is a poor hard-done-by husband I suppose.

What a fucking idiot! Three kids and a loving wife

Don't feel like you need to be in a rush to leave/forgive/forget, you definitely need a good calm chat about everything but it wouldn't hurt to let him stew on this for a few days until you are ready to talk about it, it's obviously dawned on him what a monumental fuckup it was, and what is risking, and for what?

Take whatever time you need to reach whatever decision you want to make, people on here will tell you to leave him, and that may be an option for you, I'm not sure I could split up my family over it, but I'm not sure I could just get over it either, technically it isn't an affair, but it is extremely hurtful to find out he's been speaking about you that way to another woman, I hope he recognises and acknowledges that in the very least.

In this thread, mumsnet users are shocked to discover that if they unilaterally decide to stop having sex with their partner, then their partner is unlikely to be happy about this and might complain to their friends

Outrageous and shocking indeed

So he knows that you both have health issues that have affected intimacy, yet he has pretended to OW that you are uncaring and uninterested. He has mocked and mortified you in the most heinous way to gain a deeper connection with her. He has cruelly lampooned you, his devoted Wife who gives abundantly to him and your children, to elicit affection from her.

As a faithless, disloyal Snake of the highest order, he needs to face the music by staying elsewhere, at least for a while. He needs to understand, in no uncertain terms, that the havoc he has wreaked has serious ramifications, and that he is about to lose everything.

@Namechange20002, your pain that your H inflicted is palpable. I will be thinking of you.