I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Read ALL the OP's posts, @Challenger2A7 , not just the first post - they are intimate, just not as much as he wants. And they've both had health issues!

If you don't feel the counseling is "right", you are under no obligation to keep at it.

If you dont feel the counseling is right for you and there's any hint from him that "he's the only one trying"/ "he's fighting for the marriage and you're not" - dump him.

I really urge you to find a counselor for yourself.

I am not bashing people who stay (see my second paragraph) but I know that I actually found it easier to do things alone. It was just doing what I'd always done without a huge weight dragging me down. A partner who cheats is often selfish and useless in other ways. And somehow, I even had more money! Everything was easier.

OP seems to have some genuine remorse from her partner and I've seen many relationships not just survive infidelity, but thrive. If he's hat in hand remorseful - they'll have a chance. But it's definitely not the easy option. Genuine recovery takes at least a couple of years, and OP should also not be getting ready to accept crumbs and scraps of effort from him just because she thinks she's trapped. OP you know how you feel and what you need next; "rollercoaster" is exactly the right word. You'll go up and down and question everything you once knew; he'll have to be willing to help you through it, and repay you for this chance with an even better relationship than you ever had before. If he doesn't, you'll never get what you want, so hold the bar up nice and high from the get go. Start with how this happened; what could he do to prevent it next time? I'm guessing more radical honesty and more discussion about how to handle your secondary relationships. Prioritising each other above everything. If he's in the habit of compartmentalizing his relationships, that stops today. You're not his mum, he's not a teenage boy who needs private time; he should be levelling with you about what's going on in all his relationships, not because you don't trust him (although of course you won't, for a while), but because you're his equal and you're his partner.

How did you find out? As others have said this is a complete and utter betrayal of trust. You need to be having very serious words with him. I don’t know how you move forward from this.

I agree 1000%
Sexual intimacy with your SO is usually one of the most important parts of a relationship.
If that's taken away for any reason, whatever the reason, that person has a fundamental right to be upset about that. They can still be understanding but they have a right to be upset, that a part of their life changed and gone, and they will grieve for that part.

Have you actually read OP's posts?

There were problems on BOTH sides.

OP thought they were taking steps to restore intimacy, which is why the betrayal is so much worse.

He should have been communicating his feelings to his W not whinging about her to his newly single Woman friend and disclosing every intimate detail of their private life to her.

Is anyone else enjoying the hugely sexist "have sex with your man more if you don't want them to cheat on you" trope? Here's the PSA: SEX IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO WOMEN. Namely, good sex. When you can have no-holds-barred sex with your partner without someone else in the wings being given the post-match report. Also that if temporary, very serious, situations are interfering with a 'dutiful' attitude to sex, it's not treated as "Women hate sex!! I knew it!! Wow, oh my god DEAD BED, all chance at sex is gone forevermore". If a male partner was having some temporary trouble getting it on, due to stress and grief, no one would pull this shit; they'd still be looking at the woman and saying "You're not being sexy enough". Fun fact! Men do still have to try hard at their relationships, show compassion and patience and empathy, and if they don't want to, they are entirely free to stop wasting everyone's time and to leave for pastures new BEFORE they line up a new relationship.

No , you’ll find it isn’t ridiculous of me to say ..
They’re not having an affair !
Yes , all that has been discussed with OPS husband & friend is wrong , but if it was his male friend since they were 16 ! Would you feel it fair to block ?
It just needs to be sorted out, OP & her husband need to communicate better , OPS husband should be not sharing such private matters with male or female friend ,
There was no affair , lifelong friendships should not be destroyed by it ..
That is just my opinion ..
I’m entitled to give my opinion…

Don't be so fucking ridiculous. You do know that many women have problems with intimacy and lack of libido after childbirth and during breastfeeding, particularly if they have birth injuries. If their partner is kind and understanding, these issues can be resolved. In OP's case, her DH has had health problems as well so not all down to her. I think men that insist on having sex when their partner is in pain, recovering from childbirth, ill, tired or just not in the mood should stay away from all women because they are selfish cunts.

@Missj25 of course you are entitled to give your opinion. However ridiculous it is.

And it is ridiculous.

Agreed.

If my husband had told a male friend about our sex life, there would have been hell to pay. It's a clear breach of boundaries.

Why is it ???
Friends since 16 , now in their 40s & aren’t having an affair..
You can nicely & calmly explain to me why you feel there should be zero contact , And before you put forward the private information he has shared , I agree completely that , that was wrong …
Would the best end result in your opinion not be that OP & her husband work through their issues & he still ends up Friends with his lifelong friend , that he practically grew up with , boundaries put in place ?

What an intelligent, well-reasoned post. I do believe you’ve solved the issue! Hurrah!

Perhaps you should look at going into the couples counselling.

In the meantime though, you’d do well to deal with your misogyny.

It is very clearly an emotional affair, at the very least, and I genuinely doubt they haven't fucked. Lets be honest; it's as close to an affair as you can get.

A single woman wanting to meet up more and more for coffee when his own wife doesn't even get that, when she could lean on female friends? FFS open your eyes! It is ever so clearly an affair, and we all know it.

They’re friends since 16 though & OP has said always in contact , not like it’s this new friendship they have struck up ..
If these 2 are attracted to one another , Jesus, It’s taking them a long time to get it on !
Obviously if she were a work colleague or this one he met through a hobby or whatever, I would think beginning of an affair..

It doesn't matter. As I put in links earlier in the threads, many times 2 people are friends for decades and eventually enter a relationship. And there is a big difference between being 16 year old kids, and now.

Regardless, a woman leaning heavily on a married man with a wife and children and family responsibilities so much so she is repeatedly getting him to go for coffee with him, when he has no time to do that with his own wife, is wrong. She surely has female friends she can lean on, possibly without the family responsibilities OP's husband has.

Yes , I’m actually beginning to see your point ..
She should be leaning on female friends more , not OPS husband , like you say when he has a wife & kids , not ringing him all the time to meet her for coffee ..

It's this.

"The friend jumps in constantly with, what is xxx doing for you, what are your needs. I’ve thought for a long time x and y etc"

It is a very short hop and skip to "If I was with you I'd always take care of your needs".

Yeah , I’m actually kinda starting to change my mind ..
She shouldn’t be always looking for OPS husband to go for coffee with her , what about her female friends, as another PP has pointed out to me ….
Maybe , it is for best there is no contact , I’m starting to believe OPS husband’s friend has ulterior motives …

I'm not saying is was unnecessary, and, yes, I might do the same. But the point is, once you snoop, you're in an awkward position in a fight, because the other person is going to pounce on that.

I disagree with this because what's the alternative? He could have kept this up for years, it could have turned into an actual affair, rather than an inappropriate friendship (which looks like where it was heading tbh) and he could have pretended that they were 'just good friends' indefinitely, all the while keeping OP hanging on thinking they are working on their relationship so as not to split up his family.. people do this all the time, they want to have their cake and eat it, if OP hadn't have 'snooped' based on a feeling she would be literally be none the wiser.

Snooping because one person is unreasonably jealous and doesn't trust the other, is coercive control and extremely toxic, snooping because you have a gut feeling something is going on and it is the only way to get to the truth is perfectly reasonable IMO, and once you find evidence of wrongdoing there is no 'awkward position', you were completely justified in your actions.

Cheaters will always use this defence 'you shouldn't have looked' and the classic 'what they don't know won't hurt them' so will of course be upset to be found out, but the method in which they are found out doesn't give them any moral high ground.

I am guessing you aren't married with children.

Not a coincidence!