Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

183 replies

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 20:34

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

OP posts:
AlertCat · 24/03/2025 20:35

No, YANBU

Changeyourlifes · 24/03/2025 20:36

he needs to be discharged to an adult that can care for him if anything goes wrong with his recovery. You cannot take on that burden. It’s not appropriate. If your son wants to then they need to rent out an Airbnb or something

Letmecallyouback · 24/03/2025 20:38

If you hadn't said about all that background stuff I might have said perhaps it's not a terrible idea but no, not after what you've said about his previous behaviour.

ShiiiiiiiiiitDinosaur · 24/03/2025 20:38

All valid reasons not to let him stay. Stay firm. No.

DwarfPalmetto · 24/03/2025 20:39

YANBU I wouldn't trust him either

fourelementary · 24/03/2025 20:41

Awww bless him, I actually think at 18 he’s still young and I’d feel a bit of compassion. By all means set boundaries and expectations, but perhaps showing him this kindness could help make him also behave a little nicer and see the error of his ways as I’m assuming they’re on rather than off right now and perhaps he’s not been modelled the right ways to behave in life. And I hate the thought of someone being unwell and having no one.

ImustLearn2Cook · 24/03/2025 20:44

YANBU especially because of his previous behaviour. This could be an important life lesson for him. If you want people to accomodate you then don’t behave like a jerk towards them. He can stay at uni halls and wear some earplugs to block out the noise.

outerspacepotato · 24/03/2025 20:46

That would be a hell no. He's been violent and abusive breaking phones and smoking weed and disrupting your home with drunken scenes. You're a single mom with other younger kids to care for, not his caregiver.

Hospitals are noisier than university dorms. That's an excuse to get his BF under your roof.

Haveyouanyjam · 24/03/2025 20:46

YANBU you’ve got younger DC to think of you don’t want them exposed to this behaviour as it’ll normalise it for them. If you can support in another way, then fine, but not for him to stay. Can your DS stay with him as much as possible in halls around his work? Your DS is an adult it’s his issue to sort.

SpongeKnobNoPants · 24/03/2025 20:46

How long would he be expecting to stay?

LoveSandbanks · 24/03/2025 20:50

It’s not hard to see what the “family issues” are!

The boyfriend is abusive and I’d be doing nothing to facilitate this relationship. He can stay in halls or he can go to his parents. It will give them an opportunity to sort out the issues.

Original poster
Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 20:54

fourelementary · 24/03/2025 20:41

Awww bless him, I actually think at 18 he’s still young and I’d feel a bit of compassion. By all means set boundaries and expectations, but perhaps showing him this kindness could help make him also behave a little nicer and see the error of his ways as I’m assuming they’re on rather than off right now and perhaps he’s not been modelled the right ways to behave in life. And I hate the thought of someone being unwell and having no one.

I do feel a little guilty saying no, tbh. DS said he was in a bad way before surgery and was really worried about him, so I do get that he wants to help. But I just don’t want him staying here in case they argue again, and then I won’t be able to ask him to leave. DS says he wants to keep an eye on him because apparently, he doesn’t have any friends here as he struggles to make new ones (same as DS, which is probably what’s pushed them together).

OP posts:
varden · 24/03/2025 20:57

Noise cancelling headphones for the halls, and if you feeling generous you could make up some dishes for reheating. They'll be fine there, and bf will be back in action in no time at all at that age.

Rosebud21 · 24/03/2025 20:58

Do not be swayed. YADNBU

Jinglehop · 24/03/2025 20:58

Dont feel guilty. Why would you prioritise his desired comfort over your family's needs? He has a place to recover at Uni Halls, or at his own family home.

ThinWomansBrain · 24/03/2025 21:01

varden · 24/03/2025 20:57

Noise cancelling headphones for the halls, and if you feeling generous you could make up some dishes for reheating. They'll be fine there, and bf will be back in action in no time at all at that age.

after complaining about OPs cooking?
not bloody likely

has he tried a pillow over his head to shut out the noise?

TheAmusedQuail · 24/03/2025 21:02

Not only are you NBU, you would BU to allow him to stay.

What if he has a medical crisis of some sort? Or doesn't recover quickly? Or takes something and has an episode? OR even worse, leaves an illegal substance lying around for your younger children to have access to?

You're risking social services involvement allowing a user and a loser like that in your home.

No, you can't stop your son seeing him. But you absolutely shouldn't allow him to stay over at any point again. He's shown you who he is. There is a reason the bloke has no friends! Don't risk your younger children for a selfish arse that you're not even related to!

BunnyRuddington · 24/03/2025 21:04

I wouldn’t even make any meals for him. He’s got a DP who is 22 and only works PT. Let your DS cook for him of that’s what he needs.

DS must understand why you would say no?

BellissimoGecko · 24/03/2025 21:05

fourelementary · 24/03/2025 20:41

Awww bless him, I actually think at 18 he’s still young and I’d feel a bit of compassion. By all means set boundaries and expectations, but perhaps showing him this kindness could help make him also behave a little nicer and see the error of his ways as I’m assuming they’re on rather than off right now and perhaps he’s not been modelled the right ways to behave in life. And I hate the thought of someone being unwell and having no one.

Maybe you’d like to host him instead of OP, and he can get pissed and complain about your cooking for a change?? 🙄🙄

Sure, he’s still young, but he has behaved badly on several occasions. Op is quite within her rights to say no way; don’t try to guilt-trip her into having him!

ConnieSlow · 24/03/2025 21:05

Allowing him to stay there is enabling this toxic joke of a relationship’. He’s 18, still a child barely an adult. You have young kids too, not your problem.

Soontobe60 · 24/03/2025 21:09

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 20:54

I do feel a little guilty saying no, tbh. DS said he was in a bad way before surgery and was really worried about him, so I do get that he wants to help. But I just don’t want him staying here in case they argue again, and then I won’t be able to ask him to leave. DS says he wants to keep an eye on him because apparently, he doesn’t have any friends here as he struggles to make new ones (same as DS, which is probably what’s pushed them together).

Show quote history

Your DS is being treated appallingly by his BF. I’d not be encouraging such a dysfunctional relationship in any circumstances I’m afraid.

Dweetfidilove · 24/03/2025 21:11

Absolutely not!

This is why it pays to be a decent human being, so you have goodwill in the bank for times like this.

If nothing else, you cannot entertain a violent, rude, drug taker around your children. And don't let your son guilt you into it.
Hr stays in halls (is this permitted), or goes home to his family.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 24/03/2025 21:12

fourelementary · 24/03/2025 20:41

Awww bless him, I actually think at 18 he’s still young and I’d feel a bit of compassion. By all means set boundaries and expectations, but perhaps showing him this kindness could help make him also behave a little nicer and see the error of his ways as I’m assuming they’re on rather than off right now and perhaps he’s not been modelled the right ways to behave in life. And I hate the thought of someone being unwell and having no one.

I'm sure he'll be happy to receive your invitation

GoAwayNow7 · 24/03/2025 21:15

Awww bless him, I actually think at 18 he’s still young and I’d feel a bit of compassion. By all means set boundaries and expectations, but perhaps showing him this kindness could help make him also behave a little nicer and see the error of his ways as I’m assuming they’re on rather than off right now and perhaps he’s not been modelled the right ways to behave in life. And I hate the thought of someone being unwell and having no one.

The op is under no obligation to be kind to an abusive non related male. I wouldn’t be doing anything to support this relationship.

FetchezLaVache · 24/03/2025 21:17

This is why it pays to be a decent human being, so you have goodwill in the bank for times like this

Brilliantly put, @Dweetfidilove.

I would argue you're doing him a favour by teaching him the direct consequences of his past cuntish behaviour towards you.