AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

[Atmywitsend30]

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

I think you’ve made the right decision in saying no.

i would now be saying if your son mentions it again, a firm definite NO, my final NO and don’t ask again.

He’s trying to wear you down until you give in.

Stay strong @Atmywitsend30

It's ok to acknowledge that that this boy is in a difficult situation without taking personal responsibility for relieving it. You have no obligation to volunteer to nursemaid for him. You have no more connection to him than any of the other thousands of people in the country who would prefer to have more help than they have. There are entirely bed-bound people getting through each day for years with 3 or 4 daily 10 minute visits to deal with basic necessities of hygiene. If you are supposed to have the compassion to turn over your life and home to nursing someone unrelated to you, one of them would be a better recipient of such astounding generosity. (Not recommended tho)

You say 'No. This is my home. I am the householder and I pay the bills. I make the decisions. And my decision on this is no. He's not coming. You can stay with him or he can go to his family OR to a friend. But he is not coming here.

And if you can't respect this, you need to consider moving out on your own.'

Atmywitsend30

Good for you, stand your ground.

Tell your son you have given him your reasons, you are not responsible for his boyfriend and he's not to ask again because the answer will still be no. If he raises it again you can remind him you have already said no. "I said no", repeat as often as necessary.

The BF may have fallen out with his parents, but if anybody needs to be caring for him after major surgery, it surely should still be them.

Do they even know he’s in this position of needing care and nursing until he’s back on his feet?

If they really have washed their hands of him, then it’s reasonable that your DS takes a couple of days off work to care for him in his room at Uni until he can get back on his feet.

Tell your DS that if he is still that incapacitated after surgery with nobody to care for him, he should still be in hospital. Or maybe social services needs to be involved. That decision needs input from his own family preferably.
You are right that it simply isn’t your responsibility and it’s best not accept it as such.

I’d start leaving the room every time he brings it up. Don’t let him bully you in to submission. If you do it will set a precedent for him getting to rule the roost.

I think him staying to convalesce might be a slippery slope as well- if he thinks he doesn’t need his family to pay his uni accommodation the next problem might be ‘oh he’s going to be homeless, let him live with us’ you don’t want this addition to the household even temporarily.

You do know what to do. You need to think of your other children. You won't lose your son, but he's 22, he can stand on his own feet if he chooses to walk away - he won't.

The bf has his own place to go to. Just keep saying no.

Just say no. I do not want a rude, disrespectful, emotionally abusive druggie in my home with my children for any length of time, for any reason. DS needs to respect that it is your home and your decision.

Your son has progressed to being unreasonable by not accepting your no. His reasons for wanting his BF in your home don't hold up.

He wants his BF there and you will be the one waiting on him.

His BF is getting the natural consequences of being a giant asshole in your home. He's used drugs, he's caused scenes, and broken stuff and been rude af. You have young kids there and I can say those kind of scenes scare kids. You are protecting your family from the bf. You are being supportive of your children who are your priority.

Your son can go stay with him and wait on him. Your son can rent a hotel room or an air BNB. He can go to his family. He's got a place to go. Your son just wants you to be his BF's caretaker when he's not there. Tough. You have other priorities. He can call in sick if bf needs 24/7 care.

Your son is being kind of an asshole here. BF is rubbing off on him. Shut that down.

Absolutely not.
Do not be manipulated.
Your son needs to move out.
You need to protect your younger children.

Red flag that your son will not accept no.
You need to be very firm with him.

Just got back from picking the DCs up and DS has only gone and brought his bf back after I’ve said no multiple times. He’s currently asleep so I’m leaving him for now, but I plan on telling him straight when he wakes up that I never agreed for him to stay here and I’m not backing down.

For now though, I’m not telling the younger DCs to be any quieter, if they wake him up that’s tough. Not my problem. I’m not happy with DS and I’ve told him this. Proper fed up tbh.

If his family won’t look after him after surgery, that tells a story doesn’t it.

That would be a no from me. You don’t owe him anythIng and it will send a message to your son.

Your son is relying on you to bottle out of telling this boy to his face to get out.

You need to do it, even if you feel uncomfortable because if you let your son abuse you like this once, he will do it again.

Wake the boy up and tell him to get out now.

have you asked DS what he expects to happen when he is at work and the BF is at yours? are you to run around with chicken & noodle soup and mop his fevered brow?

Your DS is hugely unreasonable. God, I'd be so angry, and I'm not as kind as you, because i'd have woken him up and told him to leave.

That's a real dick move on your son's part.

They would both be leaving.

Your son thinks he's your boss.

Book a taxi to come and collect them both in an hour's time. That's long enough for a daytime nap.

I cannot believe the cheek of your DS refusing to accept your refusal. How disrespectful.

You have a son problem, not a sons bf problem.
That he would do that tells me that he has zero respect for you.
Completely unacceptable.
That this lads parents won't take him in after surgery tells me that you don't have the full story.

Taxi back to the hospital and I would be telling your son he needs to find a sofa to stay on until you have a think.

I wouldn't have any son thinking he was the boss of MY house.

I agree, give him 10 minutes to wake up properly and tell him to bugger off. After he's gone, read the Riot Act to your son.

Absolutely don't let this stand as a fait accompli.

I’d be livid at the disrespect of your eldest bringing someone you explicitly said you wouldn’t accept into your home. The cheek of him!

I would be furious and I would not hesitate to make him leave. Your son has is betting you won't be bold enough to kick his bf out because he's recovering from surgery. Prove him wrong and make it clear you won't be treated with ruch disrespect.

Prepare what you are going to say. Be assertive, don't be forced to be defensive. If you have to speak to the bf directly tell him you explicitly told your son it would not be possible for him to stay so he will have to leave and wish him well in his recovery.

Good luck.

The fact you feel you might lose your son for saying No shows there’s an imbalance of power. I’d give him an hour to get out or I’d call the cops.

Has he gone, @Atmywitsend30 ?

Nope, still here. He woke up about an hour ago and I told him straight I never agreed to him staying. He just said “okay” but didn’t actually go anywhere. I was in the middle of making dinner and sorting the DCs so didn’t have time to argue, but I’m not budging on this. DS is sulking now saying I’m being harsh but I don’t care, I said no and meant it.