AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

[Atmywitsend30]

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

This is the 2nd thread about an entitled 22 year old this evening. Tell him to move out if he wants a place where his BF can come and go as he pleases and he wants to play at being a caring boyfriend. Your house, your rules.

YANBU given what a shitty person he is. If he was a perfectly neutral basically ok 18yo who knows how to behave with respect and decency I woukd say YABU but he's made his bed.

This.

When I ‘moved out’ (officially, after uni) it was in to a shared house. That’s what everyone did. That’s what several of my younger colleagues are doing now.

When I was at uni (30 years ago) there was an accommodation block for sick students, I’m assuming they don’t have things like that anymore?

He doesn't want his BF to be alone on his dorm then he can go stay there or arrange for people to check in on the bf. He also has a family. You are not that. Your son doesn't pay the bills and can't dictate who you won't have in your home. He's also putting his abusive BF ahead of your children. There are young kids there and you can't trust the bf not to act out. You know he's going to run you ragged, don't you and then not leave.

BF's own shittiness got him in this position. He fucked around and now he's finding out.

YANBU. Your son is right that he shouldn't be in halls for his recovery, but he needs to navigate that with his family. Your boyfriend's mum's house - that you've been banned from -is not a suitable place in which to recover from surgery.

State your reasons again for DS.
They are all valid and reasonable.

Remind DS that you are respecting the space of your children and respecting the clear boundaries you have in relation to acceptable behaviour.

Do not budge; however do accept DS baking in the family kitchen a couple of meals for his bf.

At most, send bf a get well card and flowers from your garden, Panadol and a set of earplugs.

I’ve told DS the uni should be able to help him, but he’s not having any of it. He says if I let him stay, it’ll show I care and that I’m being supportive. It’s not just DS though, I’ve got my younger DC to think about too but he’s not listening. DS also said if he stays with him in the uni halls, he’ll be alone when he’s working and he doesn’t think that’s right in case bf needs something or something happens. DS worries about things like this when others are ill. He’s now gone out in a huff, don’t know what to do anymore as I don’t want to lose him but he’s being so stubborn!

No, he's previously behaved in a totally unacceptable way in your home.

You have younger children to consider, don't be guilt tripped into making their home feel unsafe.

He can buy some ear plugs and your son can go and look after him.

Don't be manipulated. Stand firm. Tell b/f to FO.

Sorry but he needs to get a grip.
His family can check on his BF. He’s having an appendix out he’s not got a new organ ffs! He’ll probably be fine after a day or two!

So your son wants you to be his boyfriends back up carer whilst he goes to work?

You owe this young man nothing. He's shown you no respect so you should not feel a duty to show you care.

Stand your ground, carry on saying no and let your son sulk if that's what he chooses to do.

You would be mad to agree to letting him stay.

Your DS aged 22 is behaving like a selfish child. At his age he seriously doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t want his drug taking, volatile boyfriend to stay over near your younger dc? You need him to grow up and move out!

Why do you need to show that you’re supportive and care for someone that clearly doesn’t care for any of you?

Perhaps explain to DS that you wouldn’t be in that situation hopefully as you treat people either respect and have family and friends that you can rely on.

i know it’s difficult though. The BF can easily use situations, anything really, to try and turn DS away from you. Have a read up on how to help someone who is experiencing DA but ultimately you need to be there for your younger DC

No way, leopards do not change their spots even if they are poorly!
Buy him a get well card and a multipack of ear plugs
There is a vast difference between Good Samaritan and mug
Do not reward being treated like s- - - t
Tell DS to speak to student welfare for ideas

If ds is that bothered about him being alone why can't he stay in the uni halls with him?

This!

YANBU. You know exactly what it would be like. He would whine, cause incessant annoyance and frankly probably overstay his welcome.

Your DS needs to understand that your house is not a convalescent home.

Tough shit, it's a hard no!!

fourelementary · Today 20:41

Awww bless him...

I thought you were being ironic..

No, fuck him, not bless him. He's a spoilt, abusive, aggressive drunk. His own family can take care of him. He sounds really nasty and just because he's young and sick, it does mean that the OP has to step in.

He can rest up in halls, after they discharge him.

I’d 100% say yes if he hadn’t caused all that drama in the past. Absolutely not. He’s young and we all act like idiots at that age, but he’s disrespected you and your home, and you have younger kids. Your son could always look after him in his halls, they can get earplugs.

Absolutely no!

The problem with this attitude is that your DS will hold you responsible and will expect care from you whatever he is saying now. He would expect you to provide loving home for recovery but it’s not your job . BF has his own family. It’s not that you don’t care but you don’t want to provide care, it’s too much for you and you don’t want responsibility.

Excellent news that OP..this poster is offering to take them in. Let your bairn know.

Absolutely stick to your guns OP and don’t let the boyfriend stay at all, even just his first night out of hospital. He’s not a good person, you don’t need to prove you “care” about him. Your son can make his choices, your younger children take priority and these young adult men can’t expect you to facilitate accommodation with or without board and assistance if any kind. What a cheeky pair.