AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

[Atmywitsend30]

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

You've told him you didn't agree to him staying so now you just need to tell him to leave, give him a time to be gone by.

Your son is behaving really badly about this.

Explain to him that it’s not personal (even though it is!) but you can’t have him to stay. Tell him you told DS this and stress that DS should have made it clear to him. Order him a taxi and pay for it to take him back to halls.

Your DS has deceived you and I’d be furious about that, never mind the presence of his boyfriend.

This.

Have you told DS that his BF needs to go?

If he's still there, tell them both you're calling a taxi for 9pm, so he'd better get his things and put his shoes on.

If your DS wants to go to his uni accomodation with him, fair enough. You have to hold firm because they are trampling all over your boundaries and those in place forn your younger children.

Men bullying women.
I would no more stand for this from the two of them.
This is line in the sand shit.
Not acceptable.

So he’s finally gone. He asked DS to take him back to his uni halls but didn’t want him to stay with him there, so DS had to drop him off and now he’s sulking. I told him I’m not having it, I said no, and that’s the end of it. DS is being all moody now, saying I’m unfair, but I’m not changing my mind. He’s 22, he can handle this himself. I’m done arguing about it.

@BeaAndBen is giving excellent advice so I have nothing to add on that front but I am utterly aghast that your ds showed such distain, actively went against your specific instructions and brought this man into your home.

DS was obviously counting on you being too polite to actually kick him out but if you give an inch on this I fear they'll take several miles so this must be a line in the sand moment OP. Wonder how long before DS starts bringing up the #BeKind shit that is wheeled out to keep women in line.

Good woman. Tell your son go and stay elsewhere if he cannot accept that YOU decide who stays in YOUR home👏👏👏

Well done OP, I'm appluading you. 🍷for you.

Well done OP. Now your son knows that no means no.

Let him sulk if that's what he wants. Maybe he'll learn not to make promises for other people to honour.

Well done, OP. Perhaps your DS is sulking because he realises he’s made a fool of himself in front of his boyfriend? Also, it sounds like the boyfriend is pissed off at him for being messed around, so no doubt he’s sulking about that too. But the truth is that he’s brought it all on himself.

Just carry on and ignore the sulking and don’t get drawn into any arguments.

So the BF doesn't want your DS to stay with him? I hope you point out to DS that BF only wants his company when there's something in it for BF, that is you both waiting on him hand and foot in your home. Your son needs to wake up to himself a bit.

Well done OP. Something about the power dynamic of how you’ve described them both is off but thats for another time.

Ignore the sulking. It should be you who is doing that if anyone.

DS can dawned well shut up. Sho the abusive boyfriend the door and if he won't go, call the Police. When they arrive, don't give in to their be kind emotional blackmail.

We're with you!

Yeah, bf did seem pissed off at DS, he told him he’s had a rough few days and barely got any sleep in the hospital, just wants to chill and rest. He did ask DS to ask me again, but I said no and he accepted it. DS is now saying I’ve been unfair and that he’s on his own because of me. I don’t know where I went wrong, I raised him on my own (apart from when I was with the younger DC’s dad but he’s useless) and I thought he turned out okay. He’s never disrespected me before like he did today. I’m just trying to do what’s best for everyone, I didn’t expect all this drama.

He’s excited and anxious because of the bf and probably heightened everything, and super keen to have bf at his home. So tried everything to make that happen. I can understand it but like you I wouldn’t accept it, and I think he’ll see (or know secretly already) that he was being unreasonable.

Don't doubt yourself.
He cannot use your house to house any user he meets.
You do NOT owe him that.
He needs to accept that.
Don't apologise for this.
This is on him.
You were very clear.

Well done OP, your son was completely wrong to bring his bf to your house and you were completely correct to insist he left.

The boy is 18, so presumably first year at uni and won’t be in halls next academic year - assuming he sticks to his course - he’d better have a back-up plan for the next time he’s ill, and it had better not be you.

Your son should be apologising to you for taking the mickey. Is this his last year at uni?

ETS sorry, I’m guessing your DS has already left university.

You haven’t gone wrong. It’s young love mixed with some drama - despite this on the surface being about recovering from an operation, it was also time for them to spend together and what role they’d each play. Both are disappointed to miss out on that - this isn’t about recovery.

I'm a bit 🤨 at him getting ds to ask you on his behalf. If he wants to be an adult then he has to behave like one and ask for himself (and accept when the answer is no) or doesn't he have a tongue in his head, as my nan would say.

Young love is very intense. I cringe to think how seriously I took all that when I was late teens/early 20s. If your DS carries on blaming you for ‘being on his own’, calmly point out that his BF is probably annoyed at him for leading him a merry dance by pretending he’d be able to stay with you. That’s your DS’s own fault, not yours. You’d made your answer clear.

I would go so far as to say that having your first episode of serious illness as an adult and having to cope is an important rite of passage. I had a ruptured appendix at university and didn't even tell my parents. I didn't even tell the other people in my halls that I had been in hospital.

Good on you for holding firm. Ds will get over his sulk. He needs to accept you are in charge, he can’t ignore what you say about what happens in your home.

How very manipulative of him to put his relationship woes on you.
This is so off.
I think your son is far more manipulative than you realise.
Moving out could be very good for him.