AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

[Atmywitsend30]

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

DS seems to have an excuse for all of bfs behaviour. The phone – he knocked it out of DS’s hand but apologised straight away and paid for it to be repaired. Insulting my cooking – he didn’t like the meal anyway so he wasn’t insulting my cooking, etc. He didn’t have an excuse for the weed cos he don’t like it either but he said he hasn’t done it for a while and wouldn’t in front of the DC but he did come here smelling of weed. I don’t think he smoked it that day but it was on his clothes. DS does get anxious about other people’s health, always asking how you feel if you say you’re unwell, he’s always been like that. I get that he cares, especially after he saw his bf so ill, and he mentioned the what if he wasn’t there but he was and bf should be fine.

Explain to your DS that you would never, ever be in that position, as you don't treat others with such disrespect, use drugs, smash phone or go on raging drunk bitch fests.

Your DS is not taking "No" for an answer because you give in to him too much, I bet. Your DS is 22! His bf will be given pain killers and you don't need that and his other behaviors in your house. Your DS can say, "It'll be different this time", until the cows come home. It won't be.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

OP, don't you get it, if you don't stop/stamp this out right now your DS is going to be in an abusive relationship for the rest of his life, if not right now, but the path has been set.

Tell him again NO WAY. If he is concerned about his BF then he can look after him in the halls. If he hadn’t been an arse previously it might have been a different story but he has to learn the hard way, people won’t want you around if you act like a twat and abuse their hospitality.

Your son is trying to bully and manipulate you into doing what he wants. Don't give in to his pressure.
You have no need at all to be caring or supportive to the BF, he has his own family for that.

If you allowed the BF to stay in your home he would be there for several weeks, especially as the Easter holidays are not far off, with plenty of opportunity for his disruptive behaviour.
You have to put the welfare of your own children first, and your son should be thinking of what is best for his siblings also.

It sounds as though he has still got a lot of growing up to do.

I think your DS should break up with him if he's making excuses all the time. The hospital will have a next of kin, so call them and they can take care of him, or the university can support him.

You won't lose him unless he decides to use this manipulation technique any time you say "no" to him. Since he is manipulating you now, I assume he does it every single time you say "no". That's a great way for him to never have to grow up and stand on two feet. 🙄
Have you posted about your DS and this bf before?

Under no circumstances give in to DS's demands.

No is all you need repeatedly.

I’ll keep telling him no, I’d be happy for him to stay if he didn’t bring so much drama and I just don’t like or trust him. Honestly, I’ll be glad when DS breaks up with him for good. But DS says they just get each other so I don’t think that’ll be for a while. DS does have other friends but they’re not close and he’d rather stay at home if he’s not out with bf. I don’t think bf is controlling him tho, cos he’s the same way when they’ve broken up and was like that before they even met.

FFS! He HAS his own family! Let him work out his issues with them while he recovers.
The OP has young children to care about and want to protect. Her DS is being self-centered and manipulative.

Or, feel free to host him yourself.

Keep saying "No".

If the bf was decent then others in his halls, the bf's friends and even your DS's friends would take turns to look after him when your DS was at work.

The fact that no-one else is willing to speaks volumes...

I don’t give into him constantly, DS is usually respectful and listens when I tell him no. So I’m starting to think maybe bf is manipulating him a bit. This is DS’s first proper relationship so I’m really struggling to navigate it, especially since he’s also an adult now. It’s hard to know how much to step in, but I just don’t feel right about him being with someone like this.

There will be a hall warden or whatever they call that role there, 24/7, if he needs anything. They are trained to deal with these types of things and also have access to a bunch of useful contacts to help. Which is more than he would get at home with you.

It sounds like he's just trying to manipulate you.

The relationship does sound familiar doesn’t it?

He brought drama because he was a 17 year old in a relationship with an adult. Does your DS recognise the age difference? I'm of the opinion that people of the boyfriends ahe shouldn't be in serious relationships. Perhaps this period of separation will do them good. I'd steer my adult child away from sex with under 18's, going forward.

He isn’t the OP’s responsibility.

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to help him “see the error of his ways”. Ffs why is it always a woman’s responsibility for the behaviour of a man?

His family probably don’t want home because of his behaviour and attitude.

@Atmywitsend30 He’s 18. If your DS wants to help him so much with recovery then your DS should stay with him in his uni accommodation or book a week in a hotel.

Your son is being unreasonable and rather entitled, and that's likely in the knowledge that you're terrified of losing him.

He's badgering you into taking caring for his boyfriend at the expense of his siblings. That also makes him rather selfish and self-centered. Why doesn't he go and badgering his father, I wonder? It always seems to be mothers who bear the brunt of all this foolishness.
Tell him to catch a grip, because you're not discussing it further.

My parents entertained no entitled bs from me or my siblings, and this is not even a negotiation we would dream of bringing to them. We had boundaries, and all of us,the oldest of whom is 51; have a good relationship with our parents.

You shouldn't be tolerating dysfunction and manipulation to maintain a relationship with your son. It's unfair to you and more so to your other children. It's your job to protect them from his volatile partner/relationship.

I haven’t posted about this before. The age gap is complicated cos they met online, bf was living 2.5hrs away and lied to DS saying he was 18 when he wasn’t. DS was confused and upset cos he lied but then bf told DS he didn’t think he’d want to talk to him anymore and kept messaging him non stop after DS asked for space. I told DS to block him at the time but he didn’t cos he felt they got on really well. It’s clear bf has his own issues. I was cautious when I first met him but he seemed lovely and respectful until he moved here for uni and I started seeing him more often. He’s turning 19 in a few weeks, so their age gap is just over 3 years.

Don't get into a debate on what he has or hasn't done.

He is properly ill and will need to be properly looked after, which you are not in any position to do (I assume!) and neither is your son. Emergency surgery can leave you feeling steamrollered. The hospital might not discharge him until he can show there's someone there to look after him. I would expect uni to make sure he goes home to his parents TBH. I don't know what the protocol is for those who can't but I'm fairly sure it doesn't all hinge on his boyfriend's mum taking up the slack.

When your DS has his own home he can choose who lives there or visits. As an adult, if he's contributing to household costs, he can have some input. But he doesn't overrule you and you have a duty to your younger DC. If his bf realises that he has no friends and few options of places to go he might think about being nicer to people.

So, your son thinks YOU are going to look after this boy while he is at work?

Otherwise, he'd be fine with staying with him at Uni.

You need to keep on saying no.

The hospital might not discharge him until he can show there's someone there to look after him. I would expect uni to make sure he goes home to his parents TBH

Universities do have responsibilities to their students, but not to this extent. This young man is 18 and a legal adult. He is expected to organise his own after care, and if the hospital were contacting anyone it would be his next of kin - they are the ones who would be asked to take responsibility for him. His boyfriend's mother is way down the list, and he should be looking at his own behaviour to understand why there isn't a queue of people offering to look after him in recovery.

Nope. Just because he had a surgery doesn't mean he can use you for a convalescent facility.

I think the bf is very manipulative and arrogant and I certainly wouldn't want him around if he wasn't well!

I think the bf is very manipulative and arrogant and I certainly wouldn't want him around if he wasn't well!