AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

[Atmywitsend30]

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

Very glad that's resolved. Keep talking to DS, not about this particular issue but he's clearly got some further learning to do about the boundaries of personal responsibility and the decisions involved when balancing the needs of different people. Human brains don't reach full maturity until at least 25yo - he may be legally an adult but he's not there yet.

Your son has to realise that his BF had other sensible choices.

BF had his own parents to turn to for care, nursing, any extra funds he needed, transport, and good sleep….a space to recover.
He also had the benefit of a second study bedroom in his Uni halls of residence with his BF staying with him to care for him and nurse him….a space to recover and study.
He rejected both of those choices in preference for a bed at your house with you nursing him, feeding him, ensuring a quiet space and your son fussing over him and ready to meet his every demand.

As it turns out, BF didn’t need assistance in his recovery at all because with the removal of what you could provide OP, he rejected help from your son.

At nearly 19, BF has to decide exactly what it is that he does want given what is available to him, whether that means finding a bit of humility to make up with his parents (no doubt the hand that feeds him as a student), settling down to concentrate on his studies, finding a job to support himself, or to continue to try to manipulate your son into providing more comfortable, fully paid home comforts, transport, and no doubt money for his extra weed needs.

He has rejected your son now that you have cut off the comfortable home comforts.
Now it’s up to your son whether or not, given that rejection, he continues to offer himself as available to be at BF’s beck and call.

You have done well to illustrate so clearly to them both, the bare bones of their relationship. A lesson they both needed so that they can now decide how to move forward …together or not.
I’m sure you are hoping they both think hard and make wise decisions and start to value themselves and their own families a bit more.

No, under normal circumstances, I would say it would be a kind thing to do to give him a few days break to rest while your ds looks after him. But he hasn’t been respectful of your home in the past and you have a boundary in place. This is one of the benefits of moving out and living independently. You can have whatever twat over that you want.

Hope things have calmed down a bit now they have all slept on it.

Maybe it's being young I don't know, but how the bf could be so brazen is baffling me!

Imagine not being the least bit concerned about you or taking up space in your home and disrupting your routine etc.etc. And not a care about his past behaviour there either. Most people who are stuck would be mortified at having to ask such a favour, but this guy, not a chance.

That's what struck me anyway.

Good luck going forward OP, and you are amazing to stand up for yourself and your younger ones. Your son will not be driven away, he is in the clutches of young love, and TBH seems to have a good heart underneath it all.

Your son 'wants to help' but with you doing and paying for everything. That's helping on someone else's dime and it sounds as if your son thinks this is a done deal.

I would stand firm and say no. Direct your son to adult care services, the hospital can advise and he can tell his boyfriend. You have young children and from past behaviour it's not a risk worth taking. I would also have concerns about boyfriend leaving again once he's recovered, he may think that he's staying put.

YANBU

I can see from your update that you've done that; very well done. Your son also needs to realise that if you say no you have your reasons and that his wants don't trump them.

You did really well holding your boundaries.

You might want to have a talk with your son. Voluntelling you who will be in your home with your kids is not acceptable. Sneaking him in was a big red flag. His disrespectful behaviour in ignoring your no and boundary just made it even less likely his BF will ever be welcomed in your home.