AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

[Atmywitsend30]

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

No chance. He’s blown it with you!

Given the circumstances and background I don’t think it’s suitable for him so stay with you. I think under different circumstances with a better history, it would be a nice thing to do, and a great way to support a young person. But I think it’s best if he returns to uni halls or family (if possible) to recover. If possible maybe facilitate you son to visit him more or send home basic food/supplies so he doesn’t need to go to the shops. I think that’s as far as my kindness would go with this.

Nope. I was sorry for him as he’s an 18 year old whose example of awful behaviour was a drunken disruption which - whilst annoying- is hardly indicative of abusive behaviour aged 17!! Even the son is saying the phone being smashed was a mistake- and maybe when things have been dramatic between them son (who sounds very young for 21/22) has exaggerated to affect. I just think so many mums replying without compassion for a young lad is surprising and a bit of a shock tbh. When my eldest was young we had at least two of his friends stay with us for extended periods when things went hairy at home for them. One even had his birthday here as his mum had a new BF and wasn’t interested in parenting. He didn’t get his clothes washed and smelt bad… he stayed here for a few months before moving in with his dad. Some people don’t have good role models growing up and I just feel some compassion instead of judgement for a 18 year old is due.
On another thread where a 17 year old has gone for one night and feels unwell away from home, numerous people are agreeing that fetching her home is the right thing to do. But this young lad had emergency surgery and his family haven’t come for him… yet it’s fine to just say some Halls of residence representative can take care of him? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry I haven't read the full thread so not sure if it's been suggested (have read all the OP's posts though)...

Could a possible solution be for them to get an Airbnb or something for a few weeks? I can see why you wouldn't want him in your house, but I can also see your son's side that he's going to need some support after major surgery

I can't edit, but I'm an idiot as this was clearly suggested on the first page. That'll teach me not to read the whole thread.

OP - DS is doing a lot of explaining this boys behaviour. What’s the story with his own parents?

Grey rock, no on repeat. You need to prioritise the needs of your younger kids over the personal desires of a poorly behaved person who you have very good reason not to trust.

Absolutely not. If you didn’t have younger children then perhaps a discussion could be had. But you do and this is not a suitable person to have around them.

Your update about the reason for DS staying in halls not working is that noone to look after BF when he’s at work is telling. He volunteering you for that role. This is not your responsibility.

Offer to get him a decent blow up mattress to stay in halls. If round the clock care is needed he may need to take some annual leave or make contact with someone in BF family, not assume you will do it.

Yikes, just NO!!
YANBU!

fourelementary · Today 03:58

It's not OP's responsibility to nurse this lad. Her son obviously feels for him and is now changing his story, to try to persuade her. He's absolutely not her responsibility.

Would you have the same attitude I'd her son were her daughter?

Hell no. I would allow the debate either.

’No, he’s not staying here and I’m not discussing this again’

"in case bf needs something or something happens"
So your son is basically telling you that he expects you to be watching over his boyfriend and more, fetching and carrying for him, whilst he is at work? Hell, no!

Although others have said that their recovery from an appendectomy was quick (NHS says 1-2 weeks), what if he has complications? What if he compromises his recovery by drinking, drugs, being a general arsehole? Your son is not 'asking for his boyfriend to stay' - he is asking you to take full responsibility for an irresponsible person that you rightly don't like. He is asking you to put your younger children below this person you don't like in YOUR priorities. Just - no.

If he wants to care for his on-off boyfriend, he can move in to his boyfriend's student room and do so. He cannot insist that you tend to his boyfriend, he cannot ask that his younger siblings be exposed to drug-taking, drama and their mum not prioritising them, and he absolutely cannot ask that you risk this young man not leaving your home through dramatically exaggerating his symptoms.

Consequences. His boyfriend made himself an unpleasant presence before. It's only his appendix that has been removed, not his personality.

But this is the life lesson.

If he had behaved with decency, he would be getting treated better now, when he needs help.

You can't act like a jerk and then expect people to help you in your hour of need. Life just doesn't work that way.

DS can rent a room in a Travelodge and do the Florence Nightingale bit there if he wants. They both sound like piss takers.

Let him stay at yours then.

Try not to worry about driving your DS away. Given time, he’ll see how much he is asking of you and that he is not being reasonable.
He has a responsibility to you and to his younger siblings not to impose on you all- and presumably if he has to go out to work then so do you, you’re not a nurse and shouldn’t be tied to the bedside of a man you don’t know well or like, and who’s been aggressive towards your son and unpleasant to you. You could point out that your son needs to be more compassionate towards his family!

Your son is being stubborn because he’s probably already told his bf that he can stay.
Such is his desperation to keep this relationship, that he is willing to bully you into accepting it. He doesn’t seem to have the maturity to understand that he can’t borrow your generosity and pass it off as his own. It is audacious to invite his bf to stay at your expense, time and discomfort as if he were the home owner paying the bills and mortgage and with his own name on the house deeds. For that alone he needs to learn this lesson that you are not going to be a carer or a charity for his BF.

However he needs to learn the other important lesson also…the one about the unsuitability of this drug and micky taking BF. It’s better he learns it from his own endeavours rather than because of you telling him.

If you do cave in, I would suggest that you do it for a week (or less) only and then he must return to uni halls. Give him the date and make sure they both understand he will be leaving your house on that date, if not before -if either of them take advantage or break the clearly explained house rules.

YANBU at all, to say an outright “NO thank you, that won’t be happening I’m afraid, so stop asking please as I’m not going to change my mind”

It would be a hard no from me due to past behaviours.
Rather than fall out with son I'd be saying that I was worried about post surgery recovery and he needs more support than we could offer.
If son still persist I'd tell him his friend hasn't been trust worthy in the past and not having him is a natural consequence of his previous behaviour.

I’ve told DS the uni should be able to help him, but he’s not having any of it. He says if I let him stay, it’ll show I care and that I’m being supportive
I would have no problem saying that I'm not supportive or caring of someone who has been a bully and slags me off in my own home!

"he can’t borrow your generosity and pass it off as his own."
Very clearly expressed, @LAMPS1!

Your son is clearly not just looking for a bedroom for his BF to rest in, he is also looking for a stand-in carer (ie you) during his working hours. This is evident from what he said about the boy not coping in uni accommodation whilst he’s at work.
Is the BF completely estranged from his own family? If not, and they just don’t get on well, his own parents (unless they’re terrible) would still probably want him home to recuperate. Do they even know about his ruptured appendix? Did they visit him in hospital?

This is a very young relationship and I highly suspect that at some point it will cease, but right now it is real and it is your DS's life, a big part of his life.

It will potentially be difficult having this bf to stay, and there would have to be an agreement about certain behaviours, and if he breached this he would have to go. But, I think you should do it. Eyes wide open, knowing it's a massively kind thing to do, and that you will definitely wish he wasn't there and be happier when he's gone.

I would do it with these conditions:

Absolutely no weed to be smoked in or outside, and if you even smell it, he's out, even if he is unwell. You have to be prepared to enforce this one. Not just because of the younger children but also because of the bf's behaviour after smoking it.

If he wants to do that, he has to go out for a walk and you don't want to smell it in the house.

This has to be a non-negotiable.

Then I would say he has to be nice and not cause trouble, and what food does he like, so you can have a chance of that going smoothly.

Many many on here would not do this, but they are young kids, I probably would, just with rules and misgivings, but I'd do it.

Oh, also, timeframe: there MUST be an end date.
I'd say he can stay max. 3 weeks.

Stand your ground. Otherwise you will never be rid of this man. Whatever grief you get for saying no will be a fraction of the grief you get trying to kick him out.

No compassion to spare for OP or her other kids? Lol.

Stay strong, OP

YANBU, Bf sounds horrible.

DS was still asking this morning. Apparently, bf came out to them when he went home during Christmas and New Years and it didn’t go well, so he went to stay with his best friend and her family.

I do feel bad for him, I do, but that’s not my problem. I’ve got enough on my plate without taking in someone I don’t trust in my house. I told DS no already, but he’s still going on about it. Said bf can’t go back there and needs somewhere quiet to recover. But I don’t see why that has to be my house??

Like I get he’s not out partying or whatever but that don’t change the fact he’s been disrespectful before.