AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

[Atmywitsend30]

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

DS says only a week or so but I don’t want it turning into longer. He reckons bf won’t be taking anything or drinking cos he’ll just be resting, and he’ll do all the cooking for him (although by “cook” I’m sure he means frozen food and noodles). He also says bf didn’t mean what he said about my cooking, he just didn’t like that meal anyway (still rude if u ask me!).

DS don’t see how toxic it is, he keeps saying it’s “different this time” but it never is. Tbh I did think bf was lovely when I first met him but that changed quick.

Stay firm on your "no". Remind your DS that there are younger siblings and the house is not a restful convalescent home anyway, and the answer is still no.

But i would also be trying to find advice for him about the toxic relationship he is in and how to get out of it.

Don’t let the two issues become one- stick firm to not have this lad staying in your home (ever) due to his bad past behaviour (yes, he is young, but well old enough to know how to behave). And the toxicity of the relationship is something to be supportive about as a separate thing. Otherwise it could get messy and your DS driven to do more for this boy rather than less.

I think this is a ruse to get bf under your roof, stick to your guns (and very legitimate reasons for not wanting him in your home due to poor behaviour). An appendicectomy is not a complex surgery, recovery for a fit young 18 year old is quick and he doesn't need to be waited on for a week. I had mine out and I was back at work after a weekend of rest. He can rest in his dorm and if your son is that worried he can run him some food over or bf can get himself on JustEat.

Nope. The drug taking, the violence and the lack of respect for the household is enough reasons to say no. He either patches things up with his family or convalesces in halls.

he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

My god, he sounds like a horror show!

I'm a single mum too and there's NO WAY I would have someone like that crossing my threshold.

Stay strong OP. This is the time to show your kids proper boundaries.

Just no.

Wonder if the problems at home are in fact him with that behaviour.

DS just won’t take no for an answer, he keeps saying he don’t want bf to be alone in his uni halls and how would I feel if it was me in that position with no one after surgery. Keeps going on about how his parents ain’t bothered either. I do feel bad but it’s not my problem, I’ve got my own kids to think about!! Don’t want to push DS away tho.

YANBU

Should definitely be a hard NO

Id say no but offer to make some food that ds can take to bf (as a compromise/sweetener?)

Stay firm on your refusal to allow him at your house.

Surely the hospital will not discharge him without some care plan in place? His University Student Medical Unit will be able to offer advice and support, so should be his first port of call for help.

That’s hard but you’re a) not doing DS any favours encouraging a toxic relationship b) doing a good thing exposing younger ones to that in your home and c) you don’t need a third reason because it’s your house and you said no. End of.

Isn’t it nearly Easter hols anyway?

DS and boyfriend can rent a studio for a week on Airbnb if they really want to be together. Please stay firm on this. Of course your DS is going to plead. Boundaries.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Unfortunately for your son’s boyfriend actions have consequences and people have boundaries, which he crossed. You can explain that to your son and highlight that your younger children are your priority. If he keeps asking just don’t engage in the conversation and walk away.

Tell DS that the answer is no to stop going on about it because you will not be changing your mind.

in my experience, the teens have no difficulty having partners stay in the halls, so DS can go and stay there if he wants to.

But you are not putting yourself and your younger DC at risk having him stay in your home. End of. You can't take those risks to stop DS getting a face on.

Bet you a tenner OP as soon as he steps foot into your home there is an "emergency" with his accommodation, he's chucked out of halls and you will get the second act of this farce, "you can't make him homeless boo hoo".

Your DS can rent an air b&b and play nursemaid if he wants, keep saying no.

No he's not your child so don't feel guily tripped into saying yes

I thought from the title that you were perhaps being unreasonable, but based on the way he's behaved in your home, and the way he's treated your son, YANBU.

As others have said, if your son wants to look after him, they can get an Airbandb for the week, or stay with him in halls - moving him in with you is not on. Your son needs to stop nagging you about it, and it might make him realise he needs a full-time job so he can live in his own place.

Okay so it looks like I’m the only one either compassion here… but an emergency ruptured appendix is a lot worse than a routine appendectomy FWIW to the pp who said she was fine after her surgery.

Also, the OP only says she thinks he take drugs other than weed. “Maybe other drugs too”..: and when he was loud, he was drunk… which again isn’t great but equally as a 17/18 year old isn’t exactly the crime of the century or abusive ffs. People are clearly either parents of young kids who haven’t parented teens, or older than that who’ve forgotten the teen years!

OP mentions that he and her son are socially awkward so perhaps he should really be given the chance to show he can behave well, rather than being judged on the basis of behaviour when drunk… he’s only 18 FFS

Ive done a good enough job that I trust my own kid has been raised well enough to make good relationship choices- and that has meant finding the good side of their partners even when I haven’t felt like they’re the right one for them or when their behaviours have been less than ideal. Especially when young. As we all know teenagers are developing until their twenties… I would offer the boyfriend a place to stay and show him compassion, and expect respect in return.

No.

And yet again, no.

He doesn't come to your house, and your son learns your no means no.

Two important birds, one stone. Stay strong OP.

YANBU.

The answer is no.

YANBU. The hospital won’t discharge him until he’s well enough to cope, and if your DS cares that much, he can go and stay with him in halls. The fact he has family problems isn’t your issue to solve.

I’m sure the uni has a policy to deal with this anyway, eg for international students who are recovering and have no family in the U.K.

Lol. No

If he doesn’t want him alone at uni halls, he can sleep on the floor and look after him surely?

YANBU. He has parents, whatever the issues are it’s not your issue