Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

No teachers at any schools I know would be giving children lifts in their cars to and from school,

You offered to pay, she would like some money, and is skipping the middle man by directing it where it is needed in her household. Pay it or sort something else. Same choice as everyone else, her and your circumstances are irrelevant.

I guess this is right, she would be paying their petrol money anyway so it is going to her in a way a sit would be going to her and then she would be paying for them separately. Also, yes, I’ve never heard of a teacher giving lifts to students unless they were family friends. How did this come about, OP, are you neighbours?

Also, very sorry to hear of your loss and I hope your father gets better soon 💐

I don't understand where you're coming from at all.

This woman is being extremely kind. The school run every day is a massive favour. It was kind of her not to take a contribution to petrol before but she wasn't obliged to show that kindness.

As for the fact that you had to chase up your gift to her at the terribly busy end of each term to check she received it... if she's the kind of person who offers to take a random child to school each day she is unlikely to have very much space in her life. You know she received it. Why chase up every time when you know she tends not to reach out to say thank you?

She is being upfront about what she will spend your petrol money contribution on. Indirectly it is going on her family fuel expenses and why not? What business is it of yours, really?

If I was giving you lifts and knew that you were this entitled and resentful behind the scenes, I would not feel like being so kind going forward

It's kind of her to offer during a period of time when your relatives aren't well. I don't think that has anything at all to do with your obligation to contribute to a service your child is benefitting from. It's not like the money would otherwise be used on life saving treatment, is it?

It amazes me how entitled and unappreciative people feel become once a gift has been offered.

Teachers aren’t even allowed to give students lifts.

Maybe you could reframe the way you're looking at it. Instead of thinking she's trying to shake you down, accept that it's reasonable for someone to expect gas money is they're giving you a regular lift, and you were fortunate to get the lifts for a year without having to contribute.

I'm sorry for your loss and your difficult situation but take responsibility for getting your son to school. The arrangement you have with this teacher is raising alarm bells for me. It's not appropriate.

So you feel entitled to have someone take your child to and from school every day, for free? This teacher has saved you a world of hassle and expense for a year, and now you're pissed off that she'd like a contribution for petrol. The fact it's going to her son is immaterial, same as the fact she's driving that way anyway. The bus drives past my house into town - I'm still expected to pay! I can't just say "well you're going there anyway".

Anyone who's ever done a favour long term will recognise the pattern here - appreciation turns to expectation, turns to entitlement, turns to resentment when the favour stops or alters in any way that doesn't suit the beneficiary.

If you'd rather not contribute, sort out your own school transport.

You say your DS attends school locally. What age is he ? Is he old enough to get to school by himself ?
As a lifelong none car owner I have never relied on anyone for lifts and when my son was young we would never rely on lifts to get him about.
As a matter of pride I would be finding an alternative way of him getting to school but I do think the teacher asking for petrol money when she is doing the journey anyway is mean spirited and money grabbing.

The teacher shouldn’t be offering lifts to a pupil, and you shouldn’t have accepted. And adding money into it is even worse. Get your own child to school

Teachers are definitely not allowed to give pupils a lift to and from school. Is the headteacher aware that this is happening? This could end up in suspension for the teacher and if taken further job loss.

Can your son not make his own way to school if local?

I agree with those above saying that it's only fair for use to ask you to pay. You offered in the first place because you recognised that payment is deserved. She refused the money as she and her family clearly didn't need it so she decided to be kind. Now they do need it so she's asking. And no, it doesn't matter that it's going straight to her DS as they are clearly acting like a family unit and helping each other . It isn't 'subsidising' her son to pay for a service that your own son is getting, and so what if she has to make the drive anyway - she still doesn't have to take anyone else with her. She's looking out for her family as you are for yours.

Crucially, I'd also ask what your alternative is? You seem stretched as it is so do you really want to have to start taking your DS there and back each day? Or will he be using public transport or taxis / ubers? Even a short bus trip will add up so you could be losing out here - is that worth it to you for standing by your (nonsensical) principle?

I must admit I'd feel weird paying her money that wasn't going into her account. Its up to her if she gives some money to her son so should transfer it herself. My worry would be sending the money and her not being able to confirm it had arrived. Just say you would prefer to give her the money directly so please share bank details. I would investigate what others have said though but teachers not being allowed to gift lefts as you wouldn't want anybody to be in trouble.

What difference does it make where the money goes? She is clearly still supporting her own child so who cares which account it goes into. She sounds very kind to do this. Just pay it. I honestly think I live in a parallel universe sometimes.

‘A matter of pride’?!
we live in an isolated and remote place. There are no school buses or public transport and the school run is an hour’s round trip twice a day. The afternoon pickup requires leaving home at 2.30 making it impossible to commit to any big work trips or projects or get to and from my Dad’s house in time. It’s a tricky situation. I am grateful for the lifts - the paying it into her son’s bank account has just made me feel uncomfortable.
and yes, we are distant neighbours.

Rural school and we are neighbours. Absolutely no public transport. We live literally in the middle of nowhere.

Easy to say if you don’t live in a very isolated, rural area.

She still has made you a huge favour for years, I would be relieved at paying my way and I WDGAF that she wants it paid to another bank account, her money, her business, especially when she has been so gracious to you, I really don’t get your strop

You offered petrol money and now she would like to take you up on that. She will be using it to help her son. I don’t see a problem with it tbh

So she does you a massive favour but she’s the CF for not contacting you to say thank you for the present you got her to say thank you for the massive favour she has done for you…

Reminds me of an American girl I lived with at uni who constantly got furious when “rude” British people held doors open for her, but didn’t say “you’re welcome” when she thanked them!

She’s done it for free up until now and now she’d like to take you up on your offer of payment. Just pay her into the account she has asked.

Well you didn't give this info in your opening post.
As non car owners we always picked where we chose to live with accessibility to local amenities and services and the availability of public transport being paramount in our decision process.
I would never live somewhere that made me reliant on other people to offer lifts.

If your situation is such you actually need this woman to give you lifts because there is no alternative then you don't really have the option but to pay her..
So really telling her to " stick it" as your thread title says, isn't really an option is it?

It seems a very precarious way to organise your life if you are at the mercy of other people.

Your DS is getting lifts.
You offered petrol money.
She has now said yes please.
She gave you a bank to put money into.

You have been getting a kind favour from this woman for a year and now call her agreeing to petrol money "a shakedown".

Can you articulate a bit better what your problem is please? From an outside perspective you're only being asked to contrubute to getting your own son to school, so it looks like you're being very entitled here. What favours have you done for her and her son, amounting to 10 hours×39 weeks = 390 hours of childcare annually alongside the driving?

Taking away from the fact that she could get into trouble for accepting money from the parent of a student...in my opinion she is putting herself in a very dodgy situation

However, yabu to be annoyed she has given you sons bank details. Cost of living has gone up and now she needs petrol money from you.

The way I see it, she probably still financially supports her son. All her money likely goes in "one pot" so the extra from you towards petrol saves her giving son money from her wage...its just cutting out the middle man (her).

Anyone who's ever done a favour long term will recognise the pattern here - appreciation turns to expectation, turns to entitlement, turns to resentment when the favour stops or alters in any way that doesn't suit the beneficiary

Ain’t that the truth! No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Fancy getting involved in this. It was never going to end well

Tell her to "stick it" then? And arrange another form of transport....oh right you can't. So you probably can't tell her to "stick it". She isn't obliged to be your kids taxi service.