Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

I don’t get why you’re upset except your personal circumstances are tricky - she’s saving you time as well as money. I’d pay and not resent someone saving me school run time!

Are you for real? This teacher has kindly taken your child to and from school for free for the last year. She is now finding times are tough and would like to accept your offer of financial recompense. Who cares where it is paid to? And poor you, you’ve had to chase her for a thank you after you’d so generously sent her a thank you gift. Perhaps next time she should drop you a heartfelt thank you letter written in blood.

I think you have an absolute cheek and if I were her I would tell you to sort your own shit out. Have you considered all the times she would like to do something straight after work but can’t as she has to take your child home?

Get grip and be grateful she is still helping you

Are you not in UK? Because I don't understand why your child isn't entitled to bus. Either way, she has done you a colossal favour for over a year, and calling it a shakedown is pretty shocking. I feel indebted if one mother I am good friends with gives my child a lift once in a blue moon.

I would imagine she isn't technically allowed to accept money from a pupil or their parent and that's why she's given her sons details rather than hers.

I couldn't quite decide!!

There are so many people on MN who would say that seriously these days, that you can't quite be sure.

But I'm glad you weren't actually being serious👌🏼

This. Totally inappropriate. Teachers are told not to do this.

I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss.

When we're grieving we need everything to stop so we can get a breath, and I'm sorry for your loss. But I think you're overthinking it.
Just because she's aware of your situation it doesn't mean sh's taking the piss by asking for payment now.
Perhaps she wanted to ask sooner but held off until now.

Being alone with a school pupil in her car breaks just about every teachers code of conduct I've ever read.

I suspect she doesn't want to be seen to be taking money directly for doing this. Even indirectly is slightly odd. I would say that really she shouldn't be taking money and this is her way round it. But if it came to light she could be for the high jump just on optics. I would just say you have had a think about it and you think you are putting her in a difficult position with how this may be regarding so you will sort your son out yourself.

As to your own situation well you just have to work round things - so reorganise yourself to sort your Son out yourself. Life might be tricky for lots of reasons but we just have to rejig things sometimes

I know sounds like a nightmare for the teacher for reasons exactly like this. It's a lot to ask of the teacher and puts them jn a very precarious position if there was to be N accident or bump.

When I was teaching I'd of never done this at all apart from for my neices at same school who were family.

I've never heard of teachers giving kids lifts. Surely it's a safeguarding issue to be alone with a pupil after school hours? What if your kid turned round and said miss touched me in the car? It must be against LA policy for any teacher to do this. So just decline the lifts from now on.

Surely he would rather hang out with his mates on the way home from school?

This.

Op you're taking advantage of a teacher n putting them out then moaning about it, they could potentially get dismissed because of all this.

Why aren't you taking your own son to school?

It's a tie and commitment. Even for people that would be doing their trip most days there are days that you really want the flexibility to leave earlier/ later yeah you know you really can't because you have made a commitment to someone else,

Why do you live in the back of beyond when you have kids?

I thought teachers were not allowed to do this as it is strongly discouraged from a safe guarding view. Adding money into the mix sounds incredibly naive. So what happens if the teacher is ill and can’t do it, has to stay later in the school day etc etc. Rural schools have policy of transport by local authority to nearest school. You should be making alternative arrangements even if they offered.

hmmmmm

Teachers don’t give pupils lifts

pupils who live over 3 miles from catchment are entitled to free transport.

something isn’t adding up here 🤔

Hilarious that you are so entitled you actually seem to believe that you are being wronged in some way, princess indeed

Exactly this! If she accepts money directly from you for petrol, her insurance cover would potentially be invalidated, if she is not already insured for business use, as she's providing a service for reward. Even the gifts you've given her could count as rewards. Any conversation you've had, if it's in writing, could contribute towards a dismissal of responsibility by her insurance company should they find out.

Whilst I'd feel weird paying the money across to her son instead of her, I can see why she's opting for you to do that, regardless of whether she should actually be transporting your son to school or not in the first place.

Maybe it's a tax thing? If her son's s not a tax payer and if she's going to give it straight to her son she doesn't want it to appear as her income? (Caveat: presumably this could be illegal but that might be the logic?)

I get the feeling the OP is in the US.

If OP isn't getting transport costs it's because there is a school nearer she could send her DS to. My DC go to schools 9 miles away across a county border (also very rural) - we have to pay for transport because there is a secondary school nearer. I cannot believe a teacher would give lifts, nor can i believe OPs DS hasn't kicked off about this if it is true. My kids would rather walk the 9 miles to school then be seen anywhere near a teachers car.

Strange comment. Have you never heard of rural hill farming?

@PrincessLeia21 In this situation, you are the beggar and you can't be the chooser.

You're not lady of the manor-you are effectively standing outside your house rattling your begging bowl (asking for a lift) as she goes past.

The sooner you realise this, the sooner you will accept your situation, calm down and keep doffing your cap before she tells you to stick it.

None of the terminology strikes me that the writer is in the US.

But it certainly an incredibly weird post...

No teacher in the UK in their right mind would be giving a pupil a lift like that. It's very sad, but that's what our society has come to, but it is what it is, unfortunately.

So the lifts are actually a massive favour because otherwise you would have to do the trip twice a day which would cost you more in petrol and be inconvenient. Just pay the petrol money, she’s probably just thinking it’s more convenient if the money goes directly to her DS rather than to her then she needs to transfer to her DS. I don’t really see what the problem is. You offered money and now she’s accepting your offer, as long as it’s a fair amount she’s charging