Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

This sounds so messy.

It's just common sense on her part to give the money directly to her son.
I'd just pay it and be thankful I had someone helping out.

Smart teacher. By getting the money paid to her son she is swerving the awkward question that would be asked by her insurers in the case of an accident and you making a claim on her insurance .

“Did you accept payment for the lifts, there by essentially acting as an unlicensed taxi / hire car which would negate your insurance?”

” Goodness no,” tinkly laugh, head tilt , “ the lifts were given in the interests of friendship between rural neighbours.”

Is this a high school or primary school? How old is your child? Are you not in the catchment for the school your child goes to? If you are in the catchment are you sure there is no school bus or anything the school/local authority can offer?

Is the school aware that a teacher is giving a pupil a lift for gifts?

Yes it would be polite for her to say thank you for the gift, but the gift is you saying thank you to her, for saving your time and a fortune as you are not having to so an hours trip twice a day, she is saving you so much money let alone anything else.

She's also giving up her personal time and space to sit in a small vehicle with someone else's child. She could be spending that time, mentally preparing for the day or unwinding after a stressful day. It can be quite an intrusion on physical and personal space not having that personal time to decompress.

Yes it's a bit odd she wants the money to go into her sons account, but it's perfectly reasonable for her to now ask for money.

Also, sorry for your loss and the difficult time with your father. I wouldn't look this gift horse in the mouth, at a time when it is going to be incredibly useful.

No, actually she should tell YOU to stick it. You're unbelievably entitled and ungrateful.

If you don't want to pay just handle it yourself. After all the kid is yours.

Tbh I wouldn't help you out if you were as ungrateful as you sounds.

Given the time and distance involved, and given the lack of alternatives, you should be triply grateful to this teacher (who may or may not be even allowed to give these lifts[.

Can't you see how extremely lucky you are to have this daily service from her?

Don't chase her up for thank-yous, it's rude.

I am truly sorry for your loss, but you need to stay polite and grateful with this woman.

A DBS check only confirms that the individual has not been convicted at the time it was done. Not that they were offending and not caught or started offending afterwards. Schools don’t need to update them and older ones won’t be subject to the update service. Yes, they are a good thing but not a guarantee. The second point is that schools should protect themselves from false allegations from students - they really are more common than people think. That teacher had put themselves in a vulnerable position. I’m a safeguarding governor and would have concerns about this arrangement from both student and staff perspective. I’m not sure but would check policies about staff receiving payments from parents - our doesn’t allow it which prevents teachers tutoring students

Wow, this last comment of yours - combined with the first part of your user name - explains quite a bit.

Surely if it's that rural and isolated then your DS gets a free school bus or taxi pick up? Unless it's a private school.

@PrincessLeia21 it's amazing isn't it that in this day and age you can choose where you live? You decided to live rural and be isolated!

I think it's fairly obvious the poster you responded to meant "why do you live in the back of beyond with no way to get your child to school without accepting lifts from a distant teacher neighbour who probably shouldn't be giving lifts to students?"

She is being very dodgy running a paid-for (however she tries to disguise or hide it) transport service unless she has the required licenses and insurance. Steer well clear.

Very surprised a teacher would offer lifts like this-seems a bit unprofessional. But apart from that-I don’t see the issue. When the arrangement started she didn’t need the money. She does now. So pay up!

Is it not your child’s local school? All children even if in rural areas are entitled to funded transport to their nearest local school. I used to live in a very rural area and we had a taxi funded for a while and then it was 2 busses.

i can’t believe you’re so enraged when she’s doing you an enormous favour! Madness

She's been doing you a huge favour for a year. Now she's agreed that some payment would be helpful, which is something you agreed on to begin with and she rejected out of kindness. She wants you to pay the money into a particular account and you take issue with that???

Why didnt you arrange school transport? If you live over a certain distance away, then the council will arrange a taxi or bus for you.

Sorry OP, but I think YABU. You were perfectly happy with the prospect of paying this teacher for her chauffeuring services a year ago, but she declined so you started buying her gifts instead (so this plainly isn't a money issue).
Everything's getting more expensive for everybody so now she's asking you for a monetary fuel contribution and it really doesn't matter if you're paying it into her DS' account - that's simply what she's asked you to do. Would you have minded if she'd given you her DH/DP's bank details? You're clearly making a connection with her DS driving himself to school and you paying the money to his account, and thinking you are subsidising her son's fuel, but you might still have been doing that even if she gave you her own bank details. And again, so what? This is a quid pro quo - she's helping you a great deal by getting your son to school when you readily admit it would be a PITA to get him there yourself, and having done this FOC for a year, you're now complaining about her belatedly taking you up on the offer of some petrol money. Honestly OP, unless you have an alternative for your DS's school travel, I'd just transfer the money and be grateful (and stop buying her gifts).

Is she giving you her DS’s bank details because she’s doing something wrong by offering lifts and receiving payment? Are you going to get dragged into something you don’t want to get dragged into? Is she insured to drive him? Does the headteacher know?

Is there any other way of getting him to school?

She pays for your son to get to school and you’re now paying for her son to get to school. Seems like a fair swap…

Private car insurance insurance covers giving lifts to friends. Private car insurance usually does not cover running a cab service (phone your own insurance company to check this). If there's any doubt about insurance cover, stop using her car.

I find this very hard to believe (being careful with my wording here!) Teachers in the Uk are absolutely not allowed to give students lifts except in exceptional circumstances and with the express written permission of the school. It’s something they could easily lose their job over. So I find this scenario extremely unlikely

Just be 'honest' so to speak "I'm not comfortable sending money to your son's bank account, I'll get cash out" she may decide it's too much hassle

In answer to your question-Yes, tell her to stick it. I'm sure she'll be very grateful.

She asked for fuel money and you agreed. It shouldn't matter what bank account she wants it to go to unless it's to fund terrorism, which in your scenario is unlikely.