Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

@PrincessLeia21 OP, if after a year of free lifts she had asked you to pay as she can't genuinely afford to be generous anymore, I think you'd be happy to pay. If she asked you to pay into her account, I think you'd be happy to pay - from what you've said. If she then decided to pay some of her money to help her son, that'd be none of your business and you wouldn't care. All she has done is asked you to help her avoid the extra hassle / charges (?) of paying hear, so that she can transfer money to her son, and instead pay into his account directly. Unless I'm missing something, she's done you a huge favour and however you feel, you will never pay her enough to make up for her initial kindness. Your other personal issues, whilst very real and upsetting for you, have zero bearing on the actual situation either her giving lifts. You have two options: appreciate her kindness and say so, or sort out an alternative. Personally I wouldn't have embarrassed myself by coming onto MN to moan about a Good Samaritan.

Oh, tell her to stick it - then YOU will be really stuck! she won’t care!
this is bizarre - she has been doing and is still doing you a massive favour and youre cross??

How is it wrong of her to ask for fuel for something you have described as being a massive pain for you to do, she's saved you 2 hours a day of driving... send her some fuel ffs 😅

Definitely a shakedown. How dare she. Take the moral high ground and do the twice a day hour long round trip yourself and pay yourself the petrol money. That'll show her.

Hopefully she sees this and tells YOU to "stick it" ungrateful so and so.

You have to be joking. She’s doing you a massive favour. Just pay to the son or ask for her bank details. She saves on a bit of petrol you don’t have to drop and collect your child! Win win. Or don’t and drop and collect your child (plus pay the full amount of petrol to do so) x

Oh yes Op-tell her that you don't want the lift anymore-that'll show her!

Just pay what she wants how she wants it. Like you've repeatedly said, you have no other option, so telling her to "stick it" would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

It sounds like the lifts are extremely convenient for you and it would be difficult for you to get your son to and from school otherwise. In those circumstances I'd very happily pay up and be grateful!

You understand this person is doing you a favour? And has done for many years?? You come across as quite unappreciative. You have two choices -
Thank her for her help over the years and make alternate arrangements

Pay towards petrol and continue accepting the favour.

what she does with the petrol money is really none of your business

You’re being utterly unreasonable. I can’t actually believe you’re so out of touch to be thinking you’re the one who should be annoyed at this!

I agree with this sentiment. Having given a neighbour’s child a lift to work for many years, and although I was glad to do it, it was quite an imposition in a way to carry out in practice. Even though we lived next door to one another, it was still a bit of a pain because you have to bear it in mind all the time. Unfair of me because she used to collect our children and bring them home, so she did a# much as I did. It’s just the added responsibility of doing it every school day, there was no chance to take them in early if I had something I needed to do. On paper, this makes me look bad, but anyone else in the same position will understand. It’s the fact it’s someone else’s child, and you are bound to be a bit more regimented, but it’s not even just that. I can’t explain it really.

She is doing you a MASSIVE favour.

She should not be giving lifts to a pupil.
Her car insurance will state she should not be taxiing people 'for hire or reward' - contributing towards petrol is exactly that.

So she's trying not to leave a trail of evidence that she is doing exactly that by having you send funds to her DS rather than her own bank account.

It’s a situation where it’s polite to offer petrol money but rude to accept.

Hahahaha, says the lady calling a request for petrol money a shakedown 😂😂😂

This is exactly my opinion on the situation.

So not physically impossible...just inconvenient to you. Blimey, if only we could have some kind of way of knowing these situations were going to occur when we had kids and moved to a location eh.

Yes, tell her to stick it. He can walk. FFS.

Cutting her nose off to spite her face rather there.. don't you think? Unless the teacher is asking for more than what it would cost the OP to send her own son to school, I would accept graciously and thank goodness for kind people wiling to do it for free for a year. I imagine another post 'should I ask for a contribution for petrol' and a resounding YES from mumsnetters.

I'm not sure I would be comfortable for a teacher (who is just a distant neighbour) to take my child to school. It puts both of them in a pretty vulnerable position. The fact that she's given you her sons bank account details shows that either. a) she knows she shouldn't be doing that or b) she's just making her life easier to avoid moving money around.
I think I'd be ending this arrangement asap TBH - for both the teachers sake and your sons. You've mentioned you live rurally - but presumably at some point you chose the school - or moved house - knowing that the commute to school was long so you should have planned for that. If you've always lived rurally and this is literally the only school your son can go to then I guess you must be used to this kind of rural living and long commutes to most things??

How old is your son OP?
Could you get him a bike?

Definitely do this.

I thought the council had to provide transport over 3 miles for secondary unless he is 6th form when they dont have to.

I agree that its odd that the teacher is giving lifts in the first place.

I don't think she is wrong to have changed her mind about a contribution to the petrol expense as prices have increased and she has done you this favour for a while by the sound of things. She would give this money straight to her son anyway, so I don't really see the difference in paying it into his bank account.

I don't think I would really give this much of a second thought.

Why not be grateful for all the free lifts your son had, then make other arrangements.
What’s the point in you giving it to her and her giving it to him, easier if you send it to him.
Although, a tiny part of me is with you on this