Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

I've been a teacher for 30 years - often in very rural and isolated places.

You don't give lifts to pupils (nowadays) because it is considered a safeguarding risk and unprofessional conduct. I do not know of any teacher who would not be aware of this - or any headteacher that would condone it.

If you agree the amount and think it’s reasonable I don’t see the issue. If it’s as inconvenient as you say to drop son off at school she is doing you a favour.

I’d suck it up and pay, think it’s just you’ve had it for free for a year that’s the bother.

No, you do not tell her to “stick it”.
Probably one of the most ungrateful and entitled post I’ve seen here in a long time. I hope the teacher reads this and tells YOU to stick it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The teacher has been doing you a huge favor for months and you're too cheap to send her some gas money? So it goes to her son. It's an extra expense and the teacher has saved you a ton of time and effort and money.

Do your own transport from now on.

Tell her to stick it and see how your son gets to school after that!
YABVU.

I wouldn't tell her to stick it, I mean, she's been doing you an albeit inappropriate favour for a year already, you'd sound like an ungrateful, entitled prick. But yes you should release her from the arrangement and take your own son to school.

You would be paying petrol for your own car if you were going and you benefit from the time saving.

It was kind of her to do the lift, very generous not to take petrol costs initially. Now she has had a rethink.

The fact that her ds has a car or that is going to his bank account is irrelevant. You wouldn't mind paying her and her paying son's petrol it is just a bit of admin saving for teacher and no difference to you.

I would reframe this by thinking:

The teacher is doing a favour for your son. By paying money into her son's bank account, you will be doing a favour for her son.

Drive your own child?

If you live rurally, it's invaluable to have a trusted person who's willing and able to help with lifts. Especially when it's gone on for so long without you paying.

A polite person would give her some money anyway, even if she said no. Sure she's going that way anyway, but it adds annoyance to the trip (waiting for the kid either end, not having the freedom to go anywhere else directly before or after work, extra petrol being used). Fuck that for no petrol money!

I hope this OP is a reverse lol, that poor teacher having to ferry someone else's kid and then being bitched about online.

Are you absolutely sure the message was sent by the teacher, not just from her phone?

But yes if it's too much then make different arrangements for your child to get to school.

I'm sorry you've had such a shit time recently. When there are big sadnesses and injustices in our lives that can lead us to focus on little things that feel more within our control.

Why has it made you uncomfortable? For goodness sake, stop pearl clutching. She's given your ds a lift free for a while and now would appreciate some money towards. You give her a gift each term, probably something she doesn't want or need, which is why she doesn't rush to say thank you.

(On an aside...
Why does she have to say thank you for a thank you?)

What does it matter which bank account the money goes into? And how do other pupils get to school, and why can't you do whatever their parents do?

OP how would you have got your child into school if the teacher hasn’t offered as you say you live rurally and non public transport? Just interested really.

And yeah for the convenience I would pay her son and continue with the gifts. I would do both so she continues with the lists . What an amazing teacher to pick and drop off each day … I need to find someone to do this for me 😂

Take your own child to school.

It’s called ‘manners’ or just common courtesy! Try it sometime!

Why not tell her to stick it?
That will teach her a lesson and help you.
She’ll lose by gaining extra time for herself at the start and end of each day as she won’t have the privilege of chauffeuring your son.
You will gain by losing lots of time and money getting your own son to school.

Absolutely a safeguarding concern and I am really surprised the teacher has not realised this or her school. She should not be doing it. I would also think the school would not be happy that she was taking payment. I live in a rural area with no bus and I would never put a teacher in this position, it is your responsibility to get your child to school.

You sound angry OP. Why? You chose to live in an extremely remote area! Lovely person has been helping you out and now you’re angry at them for daring to ask for a contribution? It’s got nothing to do with you where the money goes or to who! Stop using teacher for lifts if you are so angry by her request. I actually hope she reads this and stops offering.

Yes it initially seems odd however, by her son receiving the petrol money, it ensures no link back to the teacher who legally should t be giving lifts. So yes, it’s wrong.

Wow. You've received hugely helpful free lifts for a year, and now she's asked for a contribution, you're complaining and calling it a shakedown and talking about subsidising her kids car.....just one question.

What is actually wrong with you?

If you are going to your local school and live over 2/3 miles away (depending on if primary or secondary) then the council is obliged to provide transport - whether a school bus or a taxi. Why are you not getting transport?

A school teacher should never be alone 1-2-1 with a pupil in this sort of situation, they are opening themselves up to all sorts of allegations.

It is a long drive (30min?) and she is also saving you the 30min drive back to so essentially she is giving you 2 hours of your time back a day and less petrol and wear and tear on your car. This is worth something to you?

Where the money is paid is just semantics - if you paid it to her and she paid it to her son it would be the same outcome, you are just saving her the admin task of doing a bank transfer.

Can you not go back to her and say you'd feel more comfortable paying into her account?

Telling her to stick it seems like a total overreaction, given she is doing you and your DC a massive favour.

Sorry about the loss of your mum and your dad now being poorly but I'd be wanting to keep this arrangement in place so I'd suck it up and pay her DS.

So what would you have done if the teacher hadn't been able to give your son a lift all this time if there is no other way of getting him there?!

The teacher probably feels uncomfortable receiving the money and rationalising that if her son benefits instead then it’s ok. Personally I think it is brilliant that she offers the lift. And for those saying safeguarding is an issue then what is the point of a DBS check?