Grandfather behaviour to granddaughter

[Stripesarethethingforme]

My Dad's behaviour towards my eldest daughter has started to worry me and I need some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this other than my husband who is also concerned.

My Dad asks my daughter to sit on his lap a lot - he wanted her to sit on his lap for over an hour this afternoon. Kept pulling her back in if she got off and asking her to hug him. He focuses all his attention on her and ignores his other grandchildren when she's there. He asks her to hug him a lot- for example this afternoon after having her sit in his lap for a really long time he was still asking her to come and hug him. She's six years old. It makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I found him giving her a foot massage after dinner this evening and saying how nice it was to be stroked. I'm really not happy about this but I'm not sure whether I'm projecting something that isn't there as I have a difficult relationship with my Dad. I've never liked him hugging me although I can't say exactly why, I just don't like it.

What would you do? Should I be concerned?

'ive never liked him hugging me although I can't say exactly why, I just don't like it

Sorry to ask but could there be some kind of repressed memories here?

Yes possibly, I'm not sure

This is not normal for a six year old. You need to say: Dad leave her off she likes to play. It's OK to have a quick hug when she arrives and leaves but that's it. My dh is a grandad and no way would he want gd sitting on his lap..he is happy to play a game with her but wanting her on his lap is not OK.. you are right to feel uncomfortable and you must listen to your gut.

Definitely be concerned. I'd stop the lap sitting and other physical contact - she can sit on the lap of your husband or you only when around him. No overnights there unless she sleeps in a room with you, and never left alone with him. Is there any possibility anything beyond rhat could have happneed already- ie has she been alone with him before, even just in another room? Assuming not, I'd do the no physical contact and no alone time and go from there. If there's any chance more may have happened I'd seek advice before saying anything to her, and definitely don't see him again until you have more answers.

Of course you should be concerned

Our instincts are there for a reason

Big red flags.

a non abusive grandfather may happily have his granddaughter sit on his knee to read a book or have a hug at age 6. I don’t agree with a pp that no grandfather would at all do that, plenty do and plenty of kids would happily climb on their grandfather’s lap if they have a comfortable, happy relationship. But you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable about it. It wouldn’t being ringing alarm bells. And I agree with the pp in that the lap sitting would be brief and the grandfather would have no desire to keep them sitting there any longer than the child desired.

the feet rubbing - how did he get hold of her feet?

Regardless, no. Very big red flag is the difference in treatment/disinterest in the other children. Would you have any concerns about his behaviour if it was just the way he is with the other two?

Keep her away. Abuse can happen even in sight of parents. It can be quick, in-passing, in front of parents without them even realising. I hate to bring it up but Jimmy Saville groped girls on live tv in front of a whole nation and got away with it.

your gut isn’t wrong. And your husband feels it too so trust your intuition.

Trust your gut and protect your daughter

It sounds like he's grooming her or getting her used to him touching her.

I would stop all lap sitting and touching and teach her about being able to assert herself when she feels uncomfortable. That she has a right to say no to any physical contact from others.

I don't jump to conclusions easily and I think you're right to be wary. He sounds like at the very least he's using your daughter for physical affection and the fact he's choosing a particular girl of the grandkids may mean it's crossing a boundary in his head. I wouldn't allow it any opportunity to go further.

I'd limit interaction to when you're strictly supervising. I'd loudly voice things like, "She's 6. She's too old to sit on your lap."

He's creepy AF. I'd be very concerned he's getting a stiffy when she's sat on his lap and he's keeping her there until it goes down. You need to have some kind of age appropriate conversation about consent with her, because so far she's been trained to continue having physical contact she doesn't want.

As for stroking her feet and telling her it's nice to be stroked....ewww! That's one step away from "here's the bit I like to be stroked on..." 🤮

Sorry I know he's your dad but just...no. He's not somebody she should be learning to trust. I don't see how they can have any relationship at all unless you want to be hovering over her until she's an adult to ensure no alone time with him not even for one second. How the heck do you eg tell a 12yr old not to answer the door to lovely old grandad if he comes knocking while you've popped to the shop? Either he's a virtual stranger she'd never let in or you're going to have to have some very awkward conversations with her at some point.

Even if nothing ever happened except you getting hugged an annoyingly excessive amount of times when little, something in your subconscious knew he was overstepping boundaries, even at that young age when you had no conscious thought of what a boundary was. Hopefully that's all it was. But there's still no way I'd risk my child, not even for one minute. I'd rather have no family than take the risk. I understand you maybe don't want to say anything when all you've got is a gut feeling that something is off, but is there any chance you can move far far away and visit them alone?

If she's trying to get down off his lap and he keeps pulling her back, then you should have told him to stop. We don't have to give affection to people if we don't want to, and that's an important thing for her to learn.

The whole interaction sounds really icky and I would be wary of letting her be around him at all anymore; certainly never alone.

Pulling her back onto his lap a lot for like an hour does sound pretty odd. If it’s making your DD uncomfortable, then totally say something. And the foot massage thing definitely wouldn’t be normal behaviour for my 6yo and her Grandad.

I think being wary would be wise.

You really need to step up and safeguard your daughter.
mit is very wrong to enable someone - her grandfather or anyone else- to touch her excessively and pull her back for touches (as back on their lap) when she doesn’t want to.

You and him teach her that she has no bodily autonomy. You need to restrict physical contact and immediately seek an age appropriate conversation with her about that no one is allowed to touch her ever against her will - not even family. And that she doesn’t need to hug anyone at all on their lap. And that no matter what anyone says she can always tell you if anybody makes her feel uncomfortable.

don’t let him touch her like that - don’t teach her that she needs men allow to touch her against her will.

even if he isn’t a pedophile (which we won’t know anyway from a thread on the internet) his behaviour is out of line. Him insisting she sits on his knee like that is unfair of your daughter. FFS she wants to walk around.

He may be singling your daughter out because she has people pleasing tendencies and she won’t push back like the others. You and her dad need to stand up for her so she learns how.

& not letting him around her without any other adult woman present.. although some members of the family often hide sexual abuse when committed by a loved one 😢

Why the fuck are you enabling this? I wouldn’t have my children being made to sit with anyone. An hour is absurd! This is disgusting and you and your husband are being feeble. Protect your damn child! Even you feel creeped out by him imagine how your poor child feels! Ffs.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELINGS!

I'd stop this immediately...

Pulling her back on his lap and the excessive amount of 'cuddles' and being singled out is classic child sex abuse grooming /abuse...

The foot massage.... Yuk!! That's VERY odd...and worrying... As someone said up thread... This may be moving to..." This is where grandad likes to be stroked.."

Versions of this happen all the time in child abuse... Gradual wearing down of boundaries.. So perverse intention touch is normalised.

I would stop this IMMEDIATELY....

If he won't do this... Please don't let him be alone with her EVER... Or stop visiting with her completely.

As in don't EVER leave her with him to go to loo /chat to your mum elsewhere...I worked in child protection and it is MASSIVELY difficult to do this properly...

Groomers/pedophiles are very good at isolating kids (a pedophile my colleague worked with managed to get small children around the side of arcade games out of sight of parents and abuse them within 20 secs.

Do some basic work with her around consent.. Good touch /bad touch. Public /private areas...

Am so sorry this is happening...

Your Dad wanted your DD to sit on his lap for over an hour and kept pulling her back if she got off?

And you did what? What about your DD’s right to have her bodily autonomy and wishes respected. So much wrong here.

Does your daughter know she has the option to decline, she doesn't have to oblige to any of this, but needs to be told that it's okay for her to say no

This is really creepy behaviour and it does seem like he’s testing how far he can go. I agree with the PP saying abuse can happen quite openly.

I would keep her away until you can process why you didn’t like hugs from your father. It’s not fair a 6 year old has to go through all of that.

I wonder if any other family members have picked up on his behaviour?

So this is molestation at an early stage. Is he doing it in front of you? in front of the father?

Stop visiting and stop contact.

I wouldn't be taking her round any more.

On his lap for an hour? And you did what about it?

This is very odd behaviour. Keep her away from him. In fact, keep all your dcs away from him. If it's not her it'll be another.