Grandfather behaviour to granddaughter

[Stripesarethethingforme]

My Dad's behaviour towards my eldest daughter has started to worry me and I need some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this other than my husband who is also concerned.

My Dad asks my daughter to sit on his lap a lot - he wanted her to sit on his lap for over an hour this afternoon. Kept pulling her back in if she got off and asking her to hug him. He focuses all his attention on her and ignores his other grandchildren when she's there. He asks her to hug him a lot- for example this afternoon after having her sit in his lap for a really long time he was still asking her to come and hug him. She's six years old. It makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I found him giving her a foot massage after dinner this evening and saying how nice it was to be stroked. I'm really not happy about this but I'm not sure whether I'm projecting something that isn't there as I have a difficult relationship with my Dad. I've never liked him hugging me although I can't say exactly why, I just don't like it.

What would you do? Should I be concerned?

Cut it out straight away. Even if nothing is happening, it’s still uncomfortable for DD.

I won’t go into details but although I never noticed anything, I strongly disliked my in-laws. Let’s just say now I wish I had cut them off straight away.

The implications of allowing this to continue are huge op. It’s never the victims fault or their families, these perpetrators are accomplished predators and can seem so kind and loving on the surface. I am always shocked by the type of men we see, they really don’t carry any telltale signs in the main. They have one thing in common, brazen remorseless disregard for the lives and bodies of children.

Like a PP I used to work in child protection and actually the 'sit on my lap' or 'lets play a tickling game' is pretty classic for a GP who is pushing boundaries or grooming or abusing And often happens right in front of everyone else because they can get a kick out of getting away with it as well.

You have the benefit that your DH also sees an issue with it so you can work together. It's not enough to say you will supervise your DD around him- it can happen in an instant. Listen to your gut.

Never leave her alone with him. It's not appropriate and I would tell him bluntly that it has to stop. My grandfather abused me when I was a toddler and reading this gives me the creeps.

That's not remotely normal imo. A few mins on the lap at this age I get but over an hour?!!! I'd be putting massive boundaries in place if I were you and I certainly wouldn't be leaving her alone in the room with him. Protect your child

Keep him away from her. Cut contact if you need to. Honestly it’s easy to think you can manage this and not rock the boat but I suspect there is something very wrong with your father and as PP have pointed out he’s doing this in full view at the moment. I understand it’s difficult but you know what the right thing to do is. It’s more important to keep your DD safe than it is to not offend anyone.

This is so far beyond normal that I don’t think I’d be able to trust my dad with my daughter again if he was doing this.

Add to that your ambiguous response about repressed memories and I would be cutting off contact between granddaughter and her grandfather completely.

Best case scenario is still wrong as your daughter should be able to choose to stop sitting on someone’s lap at any point - nefarious intent or not, it’s still icky to teach her that she has to obey a man just because he’s bigger or stronger or older.

worst case scenario you’re watching your daughter be abused and doing nothing about it.

Your daughter never ever has to sit on anyone’s lap, whatever their intent. And shouldn’t have to sit still for an hour either - she should be playing and running around.

If you want to maintain contact I would absolutely stop the lap sitting immediately. You are in charge of teaching your daughter how to respect her own body and you just have to be ready to make other people uncomfortable if needed. Your daughter is your only responsibility here.

Please read the book The Gift of Fear. You shouldn't ignore your instincts. My GD used to always want to cuddle me and would literally chase me around the house to make me kiss him on the lips. I hated it. I found out many years later that he sexually abused my DM for many years.

Can I just say confronting a child abuser may backfire, he will of course hotly deny it. He may twist the truth and blame op and her dh for accusing him of monstrous behaviour, and he is innocent and just being affectionate. He is likely to paint you in the worst possible light.

It could cause a great deal of anguish as this becomes about op being unreasonable, and falsely accusing him. The safer method is to silently stop any contact. He is never going to admit any fault, and he will just be ‘offended’ and likely loudly protest that you are the problem op.

Stop your child from seeing him altogether. Pull right back yourself and if anyone asks just bat the question away.

Without cast iron evidence of SA which will involve serious harm to your child, you are unlikely to get the support you need to stop contact from other family members, but you don’t need to ask for his or their permission. You can decide for yourself that he is no longer welcome or a safe person in your child’s life.

A grandparent is not an essential element to a child’s life, at all, but a life free of grooming and abuse and a guarantee of their safety is the least we can do as parents.

You might come under pressure from your mother or family members but just keep going and protecting your child. It doesn’t even sound like you like him op, so this is the only truly safe way of protecting her.

He’s a pervert sorry.

read this to protect your children https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

You (and every other parent) should read The Well-Armored Child by Joelle Casteix.

I find it hard to believe that when your DD tries to get off his lap and he pulls her back you haven't stepped in and told him to let her go.
You really need to stop all contact between him and your DD. She must be protected.

Op. Take no risks with your kids. Under no circumstances is she to sit on his lap. You intervene right now and dont leave none of the kids alone with him ever. You also need to sit your kids down and talk to them all about boundaries. I don't care if its a grandad or dad we don't need to sit on anyone's lap ever. You do not question yourself over this. It doesn't matter if its innocent or not. You don't take a risk with your kids ever.

You might find this list helpful.

My response to this was immediate concern. Sitting on his lap for over an hour? Being pulled back onto his lap if she made attempts to get down? She’s 6. Put a stop to this OP, please. You know this is wrong.

I’m sorry to say I agree with PP that it sounds like he’s grooming her and trying to normalise an excessive level of physical contact.

I would try and find out if there was anything else I hadn’t seen. “Wasn’t GD funny playing with your feet. Do you often play like that”?

And I absolutely would not leave her alone with him, even just in a different room, and limit the time they spend together. All day visits become days out or just a couple of hours at home.

Yep, that's odd. My 2 would have wriggled away from my dad if he had done anything like this. Disturbing. You need to start off by taking your children to your parents a lot less. And then tell them why if they ask!

Massaging and stroking his feet?! Chilling. 😖

At the very least, pulling her back when she’s trying to get off is not on.
To even think this about your own dad, along with the fact you don’t like hugs from him, means your gut is telling you something. I’m sorry.

Does he have dementia? Not excusing him as his behaviour is really concerning but dementia does cause sufferers to have a lack of boundaries

This is really common actually. The whole family will be have been conditioned to put up with blatantly dodgy behaviour because it’s normal to them.

I wouldn’t let any of my small dc sit on a lap that wasn’t mine, in my experience most children don’t want to anyway. The fact the child seems to have no say and is being openly groomed is only alarming to those outside of the family. To everyone inside it is lovely grandpa being affectionate as normal. Even though it clearly isn’t normal to any of us.

It’s very telling op doesn’t like a hug from him.

I wouldn't leave her alone with him. Ever. What a Weirdo. If it was me i wouldn't take her there very often, if at all. I wouldn't want a effing perv waiting for an opportunity to get access to my child.

I would never leave her alone with him, ever. And I’d stop the sitting on the lap too, tell him she needs to play. If he pushes back I wouldn’t go there

yes this. I have seen in my former role the GM willing to throw everyone else under the bus to support the GF. I can't even say what scenarios there have been, but it may not be 'head in the sand' but occasionally active enablement. Because a paedophile is often grooming everyone around him to think it's normal.

You need to stay away from him OP. The fact that you didn't instantly stop him from making her sit on her knee is very concerning.
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