Grandfather behaviour to granddaughter

[Stripesarethethingforme]

My Dad's behaviour towards my eldest daughter has started to worry me and I need some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this other than my husband who is also concerned.

My Dad asks my daughter to sit on his lap a lot - he wanted her to sit on his lap for over an hour this afternoon. Kept pulling her back in if she got off and asking her to hug him. He focuses all his attention on her and ignores his other grandchildren when she's there. He asks her to hug him a lot- for example this afternoon after having her sit in his lap for a really long time he was still asking her to come and hug him. She's six years old. It makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I found him giving her a foot massage after dinner this evening and saying how nice it was to be stroked. I'm really not happy about this but I'm not sure whether I'm projecting something that isn't there as I have a difficult relationship with my Dad. I've never liked him hugging me although I can't say exactly why, I just don't like it.

What would you do? Should I be concerned?

Wow the arcade games situation is chilling.

I think you should talk to your dd about this. She needs to know that you will advocate for her from now on and have the pants discussion with her along with a body autonomy chat. Often these things are best drip fed.

Why would you let him pull her back? Whatever the situation, surely you would instinctively back her up in choosing to get off someone's knee or away from someone?

I would keep her away from him for now. Get your own boundaries very clear. I'd actually keep her away indefinitely. This is not OK.

@Stripesarethethingforme this man is hiding in plain sight. Continuing contact with him, and yes, even supervised contact, is teaching your daughter he is a safe person. He isn’t.

Yes it was truly chilling, I remember this and it was over a decade ago

Another vomit inducing case, a man abused a young girl within 5 metres of her parents at an airport... She was excitedly looking at the planes.. He came over to her in guise of explaining something about the next plane landing... Used his coat over his arm to block the fact he digitally penetrated this poor child while her parents were thinking: isnt that old man sweet explaining about that plane...

Although Stranger assaults are pretty rare... Most of our cases were within families /communities...perpetrator was Grandad /stepdad/the trusted scout leader /teacher/baby sitter.

Paedophiles are very manipulative and believable... Some will play a very long game.

Eg A child protection social worker colleague discovered the local headmaster (a long time friend and her daughter's Godparent) had raped both his pubescent daughters and was lining her daughter up as his next victim. She was completely devastated.

He served a lengthy prison sentence. I met him through work before he was caught... He was very believable.. You couldn't have met a more sweet man😡

No way is this okay,,,,no way. Stop your father’s behaviour immediately.

Op it’s not going to be enough to prevent him doing x, y and z. It really just takes minutes to violate a child. I was horrified to learn through training of children being abused in plain sight or in the garden/room next door etc. Especislly someone ‘trusted’ to care for them, they have free access and usually show not a shred of remorse or care.

I would severlyreduce or completely stop contact between them. You know something is seriously off. You know. Don’t wait to find out you were right. Protect your dd.

Aside from him being creepy as fuck. What are you teaching your daughter, why did you let him pull her back up ffs? Her body, her choice, advocate for your daughter and help teach her body autonomy, by letting him do this you are telling her that she has no option and she needs to keep him happy.

Jeez. When I read things like this I’d say my 16 yo dd has been very lucky! There is a man, who walks to the shop at exactly the same time every day in my village. School drop off. I used to think he was lovely. My dd’s friend would give him a cuddle when she saw him and he’d chat to me whether I was with my dd or not. But he’s not so lovely and chatty to me now I’m no longer taking my dd to primary school. I’m not saying he’s ever done anything to children as there’s never been a complaint. But it just doesn’t feel right.

Lots of questions but I’m guessing your Mum isn’t around or with your Dad to be able to ask her thoughts or for her to tell him to stop? What age is he, could there be any early onset dementia, which can sometimes start inappropriate behaviour in some cases? Are the other grandchildren boys or are there other girls but different ages? Is he generally a physically affectionate person?

I’m reluctant to jump to conclusions in this specific scenario as there’s many things I’d want to understand first. But agree with others that teaching your daughter assertiveness and clear boundaries is important.

There is defo something amiss. I would stop visiting. Mum can come to you.its no appropriate for your DD.i was expected to kiss all uncles on the cheek as a shy little girl .I hated it.your dad is creepy and weird .you may have repressed memories of him8

You have to trust your gut instinct on this one. By you not stepping in today and allowing him to make her feel uncomfortable indicates you don't want to deal with it but that IS YOUR DUTY as dds mother. I would tell him clearly that it makes both you and her uncomfortable and he is not to behave like that again, doing so will result in you stopping visiting him. Warn your mother about it privately in advance and lay the law down. You run the risk of both being upset and affronted over being challenged but it's a risk you must take as your priority is now your dds welfare, not keeping them happy.

But agree with others that teaching your daughter assertiveness and clear boundaries is important.

She's 6 for petes sake. How is assertiveness and boundaries going to help if grandpa won't let her go for an hour and no-one is backing her up?

Of course you should be worried. His behaviour is predatory and out of line. Your gut is correct, you know it is. You don’t need to ask a bunch of strangers, you know what he is doing is wrong. Please please please protect your daughter. If he did anything to her, her life will never be the same. She’s just a child and you are her protection, so protect her please. Stop contact, tell him why, teach her that her body and personal space is hers and she should never do anything she does not want to do or that makes her feel uncomfortable. All children should be taught that this. She’s 6 years old and he is showing grooming and peadophile behaviours. Stop it now. You know it’s wrong. Trust yourself for the sake of your child.

It would make me sick if my husband carried on like that with my granddaughter, your dad sounds like a perv .

All if this polite pussy footing around clearly predatory behaviour is exactly why these monsters continue to abuse small children with ease.

Double guessing, doubting what you are seeing with your own two eyes, knowing something is deeply wrong - what more evidence do you actually need??

Keep him out of your house.
Keeo him away from your child.
Your child is tiny and can not ‘assert her own boundaries’ she stands no fucking chance! Fgs. I despair sometimes at the watery complacency bordering on neglect.

This man does not come before your dd. If it damages your relationship do what? You keep your defenceless child safe.

I bet he wants her to sit there long enough for him to orgasm under her. Utterly vile. Why on earth are you tolerating this behaviour?

Another one surprised you've allowed this to happen.
Firstly I'd chat with your daughter to get a good idea of her view on this. Such as- you were sat on grandpa's lap a while today... and let her talk. If she's got even the slightest trepidation about having to do that I'd strongly validate her feelings and say, yes, i noticed that too. You absolutely do not have to sit on grandpa's lap. Its your body, your rules. I should have said something too, I'm sorry, no one has the right to do that to you etc etc.
Personally I'd keep my daughter away from this creepy but totally understand if it's family etc. But I'd keep a very close eye from now on and not allow any more lap sitting or foot rubbing. Speak it out in front of everyone- Dad! She's a 6 year old girl. You're being creepy. Stop it.
I bet she didnt enjoy it either and needs to feel confident with her boundaries, and you need to be there loudly saying same.

These responses must make for difficult reading but I echo pp's.

You must advocate for your dd and keep him the hell away from her OP.

I found it chilling reading and the part where you state you never liked him hugging you is very telling.

Even if he’s not a child molester it’s totally weird to expect a healthy 6 year old to sit still on someone’s lap for half an hour. Trust your instincts

You say no and it stops now. He doesn't like it or what it infers? Tough. You are her mother and on this it's better to be wrong than to be proved right. You can tell him discreetly but it stops because you say so

An hour? He kept her on his knee for an hour? And you let him pull her back when she wanted to get up?

My five year old DGD doesn't siit anywhere for long. She's busy playing, or drawing, or just doing stuff. I can't imagine her sitting on anyone's knee for more than a couple of minutes, or wanting to. Why do you let this happen?

You need to tell her that she can say no, can get up when she wants to, and can do what she likes. And if he wants her on his knee and is pestering, you step up and tell him that she is growing up and doesn't like sitting on knees now.

My DGD used to be a big hugger. Now she's less so. The first couple of times she looked reluctant when it was time for the usual hug goodbye, her mum just said 'do you want to give grandma a high five?' and she did. I miss the hug, but I'm glad my DD advocated for her.

Keep your daughter away from him. I sadly found out too late that my FIL violated my precious daughter in the worst imaginable way throughout her childhood, having presented himself as the perfect grandfather. This man is giving you all you need to know, act on it now and protect your child.

I so not think you can be subtle here.

Take him on one side and tell him that having your DD sitting on his lap is absolutely not allowed and you do not want him touching her. He will expostulate and protest but so be it.

Is your Mum around? Sorry if you have said this ipthreaf.

Do not rely on your mother to protect your child. Some are very good at not seeing what’s right before them. As sad as it is.