To think this was just a bit shit

[Cyrilblack]

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

Poor chap

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings

You either have to accept this completely, or spend your future together constantly pissed off and upset.

Sounds cheesy but perhaps sit down and go through the love languages together, then you can both know how you both express love and how you both like to receive it.
Just sounds like there’s a gap in communicating / expressing emotions.

And anyone who isn’t glued to their phone is a good thing!

You do not live together and yet planning as baby

or rather planning on fertility before actually TTC?

all rather odd

Do you say I love you to each other?

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings

...but he's reassured you with his words and now sent you a romantic heart emoji to reflect back your message.

Sounds like he’s just not the soppy sort?

I’ve been with DH 20 odd years and I can’t say we had a ‘you’re everything and I’ll spend my whole life with you’ conversation.

I think you could let him know if you’re not feeling secure or want to know where the relationship is going, but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong going from your post.

It sounds more like he just wouldn’t question the longevity of your relationship.

In my experience actions speak louder than words!

Exdh said all the right things but was a controlling cheating bustard

Dh is not at all good with words but his actions speak volumes

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

Yup, I can see his point.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

I don’t understand this. Are you complaining that he doesn’t walk about attached to his phone so that he is contactable 24/7?

How long have you been with him?

you don’t live together and you’re talking about fertility testing rather than actually having a child or TTC - which is an odd approach

Actions speak louder than words… .

Not everyone is a gushy, romantic-gesture person, despite what films and social media suggest. He’s also not a slave to his phone, which is refreshing.

The main thing that seems odd from your post though is that you’ve been discussing finances to see whether you can afford to live together, and doing fertility testing. Was he expecting you to bring up your future child alone? Surely if you’re planning children together, you live together?

and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together.

rather than agreeing that this was something you both wanted? Was it dependent on if it made financial sense?

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I'm team partner here. If you're planning a future together, why should he have to tell you that you're the one he wants to plan a future with? It's bloody obvious.

Not at all. It’s something we both want. But it’s not been the product of a conversation about how madly in love we are, if that makes sense. It’s just been matter of fact.

Why are you talking about fertility tests if you haven’t actually started TTC?

Op how long have you been with him? Surely you can see that’s relevant

I think you're overthinking this.

That’s really personal and not really relevant to this thread.

Thank you. This is the kind of thinking I was hoping for! I suspected I was being a bit irrational.

Fair enough

but surely you see the relevance re how long together?

he has said he loves you hasn’t he?

and when he was surprised by you saying what you did…. Did he fairly explicitly tell you that he very much did want to spend his life with you?

He’s actually never directly told me he loves me.

We’ve been together a year although known each other longer.

We aren’t TTC. We have been talking about how we both want a family (together) but because of some past medical history I had concerns, so he suggested, given we’re both late 30s, going to get things checked out so we knew where we stood from that perspective so we knew if we’d need some extra help.

So he’s never said he loves you let alone that he sees spending his life with you

you don’t live together

and you have been together for just a year

ok you need to calm down op. This chap is t remotely where you are at and certainly fertility tests shouldn’t be a topic of discussion in any form at all

Be careful not to make assumptions and fill in the gaps.

There's a sensible order to do things in.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

And this is a bad thing why?

A man who can leave his phone alone for a couple of hours in this day and age is a godsend.

It’s completely the opposite though. He initiates ALL of these conversations. I was shocked when he first started talking about having a family together. Happy, but shocked.